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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

nanny problem

147 replies

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 12:08

I would like to know what people think of this. I will try to make it as brief as possible. I have NC for this.

We have a cleaner/nanny, who has worked for us for several years, part-time. She told me last week that she was pregnant. Her personal situation is that she is at present living with a friend, together with her husband (who arrived a few weeks ago to live in the country). My understanding was that when he moved here she and her husband would move into their own rented accommodation quite soon, as the friend has limited space. They had not done this yet.

When she told me she was pregnant however, she also told me that she was now not prepared to pay for private accommodation as she believed that now she was pregnant she would "get a free house" (her words not mine), if she was not employed and had nowhere to live. She asked me therefore to write a letter to the local council saying that she was no longer employed by me, and also that she could not have any accommodation at my house any more (she had had a room available at our house for staying-over if necessary). I did this, and wished her well, although I did tell her I had reservations about whether she would just be handed a "free house" by the council. I was sad to let her go, as she has been great with our DS and he loves her. But, oh well...

She phoned me last night telling me that what she really wants is for me to say now to the council that she has no job or accommodation with me, but that "when I get my house", I should take her back (and pay her cash in hand so the council does not know she in fact still has her job). I am afraid I became angry with her (felt very bad later about shouting at a pregnant woman), and of course told her that I would not do that. She phoned my DH this morning asking him the same thing. He told her even more bluntly that we are finished with her and that is that, wished her luck and set her on her way.

I am now feeling terrible about this and the way it has ended. This woman has been a big part of my DS's life since before he was born, she has truly been loving towards him and he in turn loves her. I went back to work when he was three months old and I just keep remembering all the times I came home to find her cuddling him and singing him songs, and then as he grew older all the love she has showered on him. She really became like part of the family. And now it's all just cut off like that, he will probably never see her again and she will never love and cuddle him again. I feel like we have done something terrible, yet also that we had no choice.

Sorry it is so long.

OP posts:

londonrach · 31/07/2014 07:52

Op just read your updates. (Teach me to post from first page). Your poor son. Of course he going to miss her. X

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 07:53

Right now I am right off nannies! We will need one but I think we will muddle through the summer at least without one!

OP posts:

londonrach · 31/07/2014 07:57

Op it's a lovely summer this year (stating the obvious....) so spending time with his mum, dad and friends (sending in work) might lessen the loss to your ds.

TrendStopper · 31/07/2014 08:06

rollonthesummer - were you trying to be funny with your section comment? If not you must not know a thing about unemployment benefits. Sanction means that the jobcentre punish you by stopping or reducing the money they pay you. It is happening more and more for silly reasons.

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 08:11

I have some leave booked over the next few weeks anyway, and we are going away for a bit too, so will re-address the problem after the summer!

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 31/07/2014 08:12

I'd love to know how she got her non EU husband in if she now doesn't have a job. She needs to earn £18500 a year to support him.

I can't get my dh of 13 years, father to our two British born children in!

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 08:17

She WAS earning well in excess of that, as I have explained.

OP posts:

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 08:19

Ad she DID have a job, in fact several, as she was a self-employed contractor with a number of different people she was working for. The biggest and longest job was with us, but there were several others.

OP posts:

LIZS · 31/07/2014 08:26

So has she similarly resigned from all her other work ? I didn't think you could be a SE nanny , or was she employed by the agency ?

MaryWestmacott · 31/07/2014 08:28

You've acted completely appropriately, you've not been a mug, you've been kind and that was taken advantage of.

You might be better using a childminder or a nanny who is your employee, not a halfway situation like this.

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 08:32

Interesting expose of the obvious flaw of the £18k rule

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 08:35

I have no idea what she has done about her other work (I believe she only had one other family at the moment, although no totally sure).

There was no problem with her being self-employed, the agency who supplied her even advised this. She was initially primarily a cleaner but then started doing childcare too (after I organised some training for her etc). Her tax return listed her as a freelance cleaner and childcarer.

I also have a self-employed income so i know a fair bit about how it works.

OP posts:

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 08:36

Yes I agree about the flaw! You can prove you were earning that amount up to the day the spouse arrives, but they cannot see into the future...!

OP posts:

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 08:38

It would seem very sexist, but with a woman of childbearing age bringing a spouse into the country based on her income....it is pretty obvious where things can go pear shaped! I wonder if no-one thought about this when they devised the rule!

OP posts:

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 08:39

You do realise 'I'd like to know what people think of this' in lieu of an actual AIBU question sounds a bit journo-trawly from some angles do't you OP?

Cyclebump · 31/07/2014 08:40

You've done nothing wrong. You wrote a letter stating the facts (I read your OP properly) and have now refused to get involved in benefit fraud.

I understand why you're upset, she was someone who cared for your child, that's an important job, but she's committing (or attending to commit) a crime.

hellokittymania · 31/07/2014 08:40

Unfortunately, many people from developing countries think that things will be "free" in the UK/US/Aus. I get asked every day why can't I get surgery/how many thousands of $$$$$ does my government give me/why don't I like in the UK as it's comfortable.

People just can't understand. In central Vietnam, an average monthly salary is $100.... DLA, which few families even know about, is $13 per month.

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 08:41

Really? I am very very far from being a journalist! I don't think you could get much further! I have not been on AIBU before so i did not know there was some etiquette in how you phrase the question. Anyway, I am going to move on now as I have to go to work, and I am going to try and put all this behind me. Thanks everyone for the support and the interesting viewpoints.

OP posts:

ArsenicFaceCream · 31/07/2014 08:46

Fair enough.

On a pragmatic note, she will be needing a really really good reference to start rebuilding when her dreams of free house and honey turn to dust.

Presumably that is one thing you can do for her with a clear conscience, as your opinion of her work sounds so positive.

As you say, many of us have made foolish choices. If she is as hardworking as you say, she will be ok.

Cindy34 · 31/07/2014 09:05

Not sure why you are 'off nannies'. This person as you have said yourself was your cleaner who then did a bit of childcare. They are not a professional nanny who has been providing childcare to families for many years.

If you need childcare, do come over to the Childminders,Nannies board and ask about employing a nanny or using the service of a childminder. Lots of info from parents and providers.

sandgrown · 31/07/2014 09:07

Chimera you sound a lovely and caring employer who has done nothing wrong. Enjoy your Summer

Original poster

chimera123 · 31/07/2014 09:15

I am sorry! That comment about being "off nannies" was meant to be lighthearted, I didn't mean to offend anyone. Of course she was not a nanny in that sense, she did have some training but not a professional nanny, no. We called her a nanny though, I suppose (and I grew up in a country where the "nanny" was the lady who looked after us, she didn't have any kind of qualifications.

OP posts:

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