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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

nanny problem

147 replies

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 12:08

I would like to know what people think of this. I will try to make it as brief as possible. I have NC for this.

We have a cleaner/nanny, who has worked for us for several years, part-time. She told me last week that she was pregnant. Her personal situation is that she is at present living with a friend, together with her husband (who arrived a few weeks ago to live in the country). My understanding was that when he moved here she and her husband would move into their own rented accommodation quite soon, as the friend has limited space. They had not done this yet.

When she told me she was pregnant however, she also told me that she was now not prepared to pay for private accommodation as she believed that now she was pregnant she would "get a free house" (her words not mine), if she was not employed and had nowhere to live. She asked me therefore to write a letter to the local council saying that she was no longer employed by me, and also that she could not have any accommodation at my house any more (she had had a room available at our house for staying-over if necessary). I did this, and wished her well, although I did tell her I had reservations about whether she would just be handed a "free house" by the council. I was sad to let her go, as she has been great with our DS and he loves her. But, oh well...

She phoned me last night telling me that what she really wants is for me to say now to the council that she has no job or accommodation with me, but that "when I get my house", I should take her back (and pay her cash in hand so the council does not know she in fact still has her job). I am afraid I became angry with her (felt very bad later about shouting at a pregnant woman), and of course told her that I would not do that. She phoned my DH this morning asking him the same thing. He told her even more bluntly that we are finished with her and that is that, wished her luck and set her on her way.

I am now feeling terrible about this and the way it has ended. This woman has been a big part of my DS's life since before he was born, she has truly been loving towards him and he in turn loves her. I went back to work when he was three months old and I just keep remembering all the times I came home to find her cuddling him and singing him songs, and then as he grew older all the love she has showered on him. She really became like part of the family. And now it's all just cut off like that, he will probably never see her again and she will never love and cuddle him again. I feel like we have done something terrible, yet also that we had no choice.

Sorry it is so long.

OP posts:

Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:05

PS middleagedmother why should the fact that she was originally an immigrant prevent me from helping someone with their affairs, helping her to better herself, helping her to do a better job looking after my son (the courses I sent her on were all to do with childcare, first aid etc)? That does sound rather racist to me I am afraid. I was originally an immigrant to this country too, by the way.

OP posts:

backbystealth · 30/07/2014 13:05

You did the right thing. She's not trustworthy and she's no friend of yours asking you to do this. And what I said above!

Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:14

I am now 100% sure that when her husband arrived a few weeks ago the first thing on their mind was to get her pregnant asap to get this mythical "free house". I know that she was on contraception (the pill) whenever she went to visit him in his home country, but then the minute he arrived here she fell pregnant. I believe now that there was never any intention for them to look for rented accommodation when he arrived here. (And even there I was a mug, I have spent several hours of my very limited time recently looking through accommodation sites, trying to help them find somewhere. I realise now that she never followed up on any of the suggestions I made of possible places).

Yes I have been taken for a ride. But balance that also against genuine love for my son, and wonderful care she has given to him, which has benefited him greatly. She has, right up until this moment, been amazingly reliable, never taken a day off sick in years, always been happy to stay late, change her days etc when necessary. I have really relied on her. Which is why I also helped her with advice and practical things(NOT doing anything wrong, just trying to be a good employee and yes, I thought, friend).

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Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:16

good employer that should read!

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Happy36 · 30/07/2014 13:19

You would be breaking the law to pay her cash in hand so you are not being unreasonable at all.

I expect she may get a bit more sense when the baby's born ( I hope she does!) It sounds as though she has become very misled by someone else or her own imagination.

If you get a new nanny you can stop feeling guilty (you don't need to) and just tell her there is no job for her with you...as she herself resigned (!)

Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:20

It is not against the law to pay someone cash, only if they do not declare it in their tax accounts. We did not in fact pay her in cash, but some of her other employers did and we were instrumental in making sure she kept proper records of this, and declared it all in her tax statement.

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sezamcgregor · 30/07/2014 13:26

Chimera - no, and I wasn't saying that you did. But what's stopping them saying that you did? That would be my concern.

Gen35 · 30/07/2014 13:26

You know her best but it's possible for otherwise good people to sometimes display bad judgment, greed is a moral failing but it is a fairly common one and most mums want to have a place for their dc when they're pg. clearly she's been stupid and dishonest and I hope she sees her mistake and doesn't try and manipulate you further

Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:26

I do think she has been misled, yes, which makes it all the more sad. She has a friend who, she says, got this "free house" (but her friend is a single mother with two disabled children so a totally different situation).

I had in fact had a discussion with her about this a few weeks ago, when I was trying to help her find accommodation and she said "but why can't I just get a free house like [friend's name]?" I told her that it did not work like that and even sent her links to housing benefits info pages etc. I think she has got herself into an irreversible pickle without understanding what she is doing, which is terribly sad. If she had just waited till she had accommodation (and her husband had a job preferably) and THEN got pregnant it all would have been different. I would have been happy to help her, advise her, to have kept her job in place for her for when she came back from having the baby, to have looked into childcare options etc.

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Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:29

I won't allow her to manipulate me further. I would be happy to stay in touch, even give her baby things etc. But that's as far as my future involvement will go, however sad I feel about her. And yes, as someone mentioned upthread, the next time, no getting overinvolved in the personal life and business of the nanny or cleaner and their family!

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Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:31

She can say I sacked her but it would be her (dishonest) word against mine. How does anyone who has an employee leave for personal reasons prove that they didn't sack them? I don;t know

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KoalaDownUnder · 30/07/2014 13:31

I think you have done nothing wrong, and you have been a very good employer.

I don't think this woman is morally bankrupt, or anything close. She has been her own worst enemy, and messed things up for herself.

Letting the dust settle and then sending her a note and a baby present seems like the way to go.

Itsfab · 30/07/2014 13:32

She decided to leave her job purely because she was pregnant and wanted a free house. You helped her try to get this magical free house by writing a letter saying you no longer employed her. Of course that is true, you don't, but you wrote the letter so she could then use it to try and get a free house.

KoalaDownUnder · 30/07/2014 13:39

It'sfab, the OP wrote the letter because it's true. What the nanny used it for is not on the OP.

Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:39

I still don't see that writing a letter to confirm that I no longer employ her is wrong. I have also written to the employment agency the very same thing. In fact it is quite pertinent to tell the council that she is no longer employed by me, because, for reasons which I won't go into here because do not want to give too much identifying detail, they pay some money to me which goes to her to provide a specific service for us (aside from her usual job). So I would have had to tell them anyway that she is no longer doing this work.

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Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:48

And I don't in fact think I have helped her get a free house at all. I happen to know a great deal about the housing situation in this council, for reasons connected to my job. It is dire. That's partly why i am feeling so bad, I know she is going to get nowhere.

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/07/2014 13:49

Most decent people would write a letter stating the factual truth if it would be of some help to the other person. That the ex-employee was hoping to exploit her situation with that letter doesn't mean the employer was necessarily colluding in any dishonesty.

The poor woman is deluded and foolish. Likely she will discover this when the best that can be found for her is some slum landlord willing to accept her and her husband while being reliant on JSA & LHA, or being put in some flea-bitten B&B with one bathroom and kitchen shared between twenty other people.

Itsfab · 30/07/2014 13:50

I see it differently. Good luck in the future chimera123 and I am sure your son will be fine with someone else caring for him while you work.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 30/07/2014 13:51

I assumed she didn't have the right to live/work here because you said you helped her with her immigration forms.

And I don't mean that there is anything "wrong" with you giving her so much help - that's fine if you wanted to. I just think you've been treated like a mug.

Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:53

Sadly in this council that is exactly what she will get. And her husband is entitled to no benefits at all so I do not know how they will live. This is what makes it all so dreadfully sad. This woman has stayed in our home, been on holidays with us, been a lovely companion to our son, shared our lives for years, seemed like one of us, and she is about to be reduced to that. While we just get on with our lives. I can't help feeling bad.

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Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:55

The immigration help I gave her was related to her getting her paperwork in order to get her British passport (once she was legally entitled to it, having spent the correct amount if years on indefinite leave to remain, paying her taxes etc etc). And advising her on her husbands legal situation.

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Gen35 · 30/07/2014 13:56

You really shouldn't feel bad, you did try and warn her and explain and she didn't listen. If she's a a hard worker she'll find alternative employment and be able to sort herself out over time even if the next year or so will be grim.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/07/2014 13:57

I have a feeling you will find her on your doorstep ere long once she's acquainted with the facts of her situation. And that husband of hers has returned from whence he came. He's going to be nothing but a millstone around her neck if he won't qualify for benefits if he can't get a job here. Is he an EU citizen?

Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 13:59

She is a hard worker, but she is not going to find a job like this again. I paid her well over the usual, gave her free accommodation when she needed it, took her on holidays, did her tax accounts, paid for courses for her, and above all she really loved caring for my son. Now she has lost all that. But, on the other hand, she is an adult (she is not even a young girl, she is over 30) and she has made her choices. I have had some awfully bad times in my life, some through unwise decisions and choices and foolishness. I survived and I suppose she will too.

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Original poster

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:00

No the husband is not an EU citizen. He is here through being married to her.

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