Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

nanny problem

147 replies

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 12:08

I would like to know what people think of this. I will try to make it as brief as possible. I have NC for this.

We have a cleaner/nanny, who has worked for us for several years, part-time. She told me last week that she was pregnant. Her personal situation is that she is at present living with a friend, together with her husband (who arrived a few weeks ago to live in the country). My understanding was that when he moved here she and her husband would move into their own rented accommodation quite soon, as the friend has limited space. They had not done this yet.

When she told me she was pregnant however, she also told me that she was now not prepared to pay for private accommodation as she believed that now she was pregnant she would "get a free house" (her words not mine), if she was not employed and had nowhere to live. She asked me therefore to write a letter to the local council saying that she was no longer employed by me, and also that she could not have any accommodation at my house any more (she had had a room available at our house for staying-over if necessary). I did this, and wished her well, although I did tell her I had reservations about whether she would just be handed a "free house" by the council. I was sad to let her go, as she has been great with our DS and he loves her. But, oh well...

She phoned me last night telling me that what she really wants is for me to say now to the council that she has no job or accommodation with me, but that "when I get my house", I should take her back (and pay her cash in hand so the council does not know she in fact still has her job). I am afraid I became angry with her (felt very bad later about shouting at a pregnant woman), and of course told her that I would not do that. She phoned my DH this morning asking him the same thing. He told her even more bluntly that we are finished with her and that is that, wished her luck and set her on her way.

I am now feeling terrible about this and the way it has ended. This woman has been a big part of my DS's life since before he was born, she has truly been loving towards him and he in turn loves her. I went back to work when he was three months old and I just keep remembering all the times I came home to find her cuddling him and singing him songs, and then as he grew older all the love she has showered on him. She really became like part of the family. And now it's all just cut off like that, he will probably never see her again and she will never love and cuddle him again. I feel like we have done something terrible, yet also that we had no choice.

Sorry it is so long.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/07/2014 20:11

I really think a huge part of it is cultural on her behalf and I really hope things to work out ok for her somehow. Really sad that she's got herself into such a pickle after working so hard to provide for herself. Not sure how the word will get out there that the UK doesn't have "free" housing Sad

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 20:11

Randonmess my thoughts precisely.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 20:18

She has spent eight years in this country working very hard and building up a good reputation and making good capital with people like me who are eager to help her. And then within a few weeks of the husband arriving, this is what she does...it really shocked and upset me.

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 30/07/2014 20:20

I have been in almost exactly this situation, except I wasn't living in UK at the time. Some people just won't be told that something isn't going to happen the way they think it will.

Northernlurker · 30/07/2014 20:39

It IS sad when you see somebody screwing their life up. I have recently had an experience of this sort and much as I feel sympathy I am not going to run after a person endlessly picking up pieces which shouldn't need picking up. You've nothing to reproach yourself with OP. You're a good person.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 30/07/2014 21:11

Well done.

She sounds rather weak and like she takes on the characteristics of those she values. Not bad exactly, but easily led and dumps previous loyalties easily.

So when here on her own and having an amazingly supportive boss who went out of her way to include her and help her, all her kind and positive traits came out.

And when her husband came, and all the myths started to be parroted (he'll get a job, she can get a house etc), she seems to have affiliated with him and has taken on all his beliefs and traits.

I'm afraid I find that kind of person pitiful !

PhaedraIsMyName · 30/07/2014 21:22

You were wrong to write the letter and it has back fired. You got rid of someone in the process of helping her cheat the system

I agree. I'd have said no to that request.

SugarMouse1 · 30/07/2014 22:17

The nanny could feasibly get a council house though, depends which part of the country OP is in, it's not that difficult in some areas.

If it's London, then yes, it's difficult, but I'm in London and a 20 year old on my street had a baby, lied she was homeless (has parents who are able/willing to house them both), and has been put in a mother and baby hostel. It's not that bad.

And it fucking well FREE!

rollonthesummer · 30/07/2014 22:49

neighbour also doesn't think that they will sanction you when you have children

? Do you mean section?

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 22:51

I did not "get rid" of her. I wish so much she had decided to stay.

OP posts:
SugarMouse1 · 30/07/2014 22:53

Is it too late for her to have an abortion?

flame me all you like, but this sounds like the best solution for everyone!!!

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 22:54

My son has kept asking where she is since she left, it is heartbreaking. Not my choice at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 22:55

OMG I would never have even suggested that.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 22:57

And no, she is only 5 weeks pregnant (she tells me, anyway), but never in a million years would I suggest she has an abortion. (I am not anti abortion by the way,, but n this situation it is the last thinks I would say to her).

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 22:58

last thing sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 23:00

And give that she obviously meticulously planned this pregnancy, I cant imagine suggestive an abortion would have any effect anyway.

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 30/07/2014 23:08

Has she been married to her husband but living apart for all the years she worked for you or has she only just met/married him? Does he work?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 30/07/2014 23:10

You didn't do anything wrong at all, but you maybe should have told her that a) no such thing as a free house, and b) you don't need to be unemployed to get a council place. Unless a person is earning loads, it makes no difference. And most Housing Associations prefer working tenants actually.
I think maybe she just listened to the wrong people, and was panicking about where they were all going to live.

whereisshe · 30/07/2014 23:16

It's very sad OP, but perhaps if she's willing to do that she's not the kind of person you want raising your son?

Original poster
chimera123 · 31/07/2014 07:41

They were married last year but have known each other since childhood (are related to each other in some way).

I don't think she would have been entitled to full housing benefit on her previous earning level, as I said, she was doing very well from her various jobs, she was making more than 20k. And she made it very clear to me that she did not want to have to pay anything at all for housing.

Well all this has now caused a massive fight between me and my DH, who thinks I have been soft and a mug and says he is fed up with hearing about how sorry I am for her. So it is agreed we don't talk about her again, until maybe one day she contacts us and comes to show us her baby and fetches some of the stuff I am keeping for her. I guess a chapter has closed now. I will not stop worrying about her and feeling sad about how it ended, but we all have to move on now.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 31/07/2014 07:42

And no he does not work as he has not been able to find a job since he arrived.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 31/07/2014 07:44

Oh and I told her repeatedly that there is no such thing as a free house. She just did not believe me.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 31/07/2014 07:47

Phaedra, have you RTFT? The OP didn't "get rid" of the nanny, she did not help her to cheat anything, she simply wrote a wholly true and factual letter.

londonrach · 31/07/2014 07:48

No wAy I'd allow this dishonest woman in the house. I'd be more worried about the letter. You should have never had written it if incorrect. Anyway you can re attract the letter. I'd be concerned you might be implicated in this fraud. They do fine people who do this. Sorry op don't want to worry you. Hope you find another nanny who your ds loves as much x

Original poster
chimera123 · 31/07/2014 07:52

There has been no fraud and I said nothing incorrect in my letter! She said she could not work here any more and I noted in a very brief letter that she was no longer working for me and therefore no longer had access to my house/room in my house. She has not been able to commit any fraud, at least not any of which I am aware, as I would not get involved in any such attempt. The council have phoned me and spoken to me and I reiterated to them that she decided to leave the job and that although I wished her well, she was therefore no longer working for me. That is all.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread