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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

nanny problem

147 replies

chimera123 · 30/07/2014 12:08

I would like to know what people think of this. I will try to make it as brief as possible. I have NC for this.

We have a cleaner/nanny, who has worked for us for several years, part-time. She told me last week that she was pregnant. Her personal situation is that she is at present living with a friend, together with her husband (who arrived a few weeks ago to live in the country). My understanding was that when he moved here she and her husband would move into their own rented accommodation quite soon, as the friend has limited space. They had not done this yet.

When she told me she was pregnant however, she also told me that she was now not prepared to pay for private accommodation as she believed that now she was pregnant she would "get a free house" (her words not mine), if she was not employed and had nowhere to live. She asked me therefore to write a letter to the local council saying that she was no longer employed by me, and also that she could not have any accommodation at my house any more (she had had a room available at our house for staying-over if necessary). I did this, and wished her well, although I did tell her I had reservations about whether she would just be handed a "free house" by the council. I was sad to let her go, as she has been great with our DS and he loves her. But, oh well...

She phoned me last night telling me that what she really wants is for me to say now to the council that she has no job or accommodation with me, but that "when I get my house", I should take her back (and pay her cash in hand so the council does not know she in fact still has her job). I am afraid I became angry with her (felt very bad later about shouting at a pregnant woman), and of course told her that I would not do that. She phoned my DH this morning asking him the same thing. He told her even more bluntly that we are finished with her and that is that, wished her luck and set her on her way.

I am now feeling terrible about this and the way it has ended. This woman has been a big part of my DS's life since before he was born, she has truly been loving towards him and he in turn loves her. I went back to work when he was three months old and I just keep remembering all the times I came home to find her cuddling him and singing him songs, and then as he grew older all the love she has showered on him. She really became like part of the family. And now it's all just cut off like that, he will probably never see her again and she will never love and cuddle him again. I feel like we have done something terrible, yet also that we had no choice.

Sorry it is so long.

OP posts:
PickleMyster · 30/07/2014 14:07

Tbh I've got no sympathy for her. I used to be a nanny, had a fantastic relationship with the children (now have my own child and I know I treated the nanny children like my own) also had a really great relationship with the parents (my employers) BUT I would never ask them to help me to do something like that - it would never even cross my mind!! Your nanny choose to try and manipulate the system by becoming jobless, homeless and pregnant. You reap what you sow!!

Did you get a letter of resignation from her? Did you keep a copy? (You may need it if she decides to try and say you sacked her)

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:10

I didn't get a letter of resignation, no, and I am thinking I should have. It may be too late for that now though.

OP posts:
PickleMyster · 30/07/2014 14:17

It might be worth speaking to ACAS or an employment lawyer just to set your own mind at rest/know where you stand if she starts saying that you sacked her.

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:18

Actually, just speaking to my DH, as she is not our employee but is a self-employed contractor, we don't think we would have to have a letter of resignation?

OP posts:
splendide · 30/07/2014 14:19

Sounds really tricky but not sure how else you could have handled it really. Don't understand at all why people think you shouldn't have written a completely factual letter. I am a lawyer and would be comfortable with that - whoever said you should start looking for another job I think must have misunderstood the situation.

PickleMyster · 30/07/2014 14:24

It's been a few years since I was a nanny, but back then it was very frowned upon by HMRC for a nanny to be self-employed if she had a permanent job with a family. Might be worth getting yourself over to childminder nanny boards on Mumsnet and speaking to some of them over there - find out what the score is in 2014.

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:24

Thanks for that splendid. All the letter said, in effect, was that she was no longer working for us and no longer had a room available here either (and gave a sentence of detail on what job she had been doing and for how long).

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:26

She did not only work for us, she had a number of other jobs too (as I said, she was part-time with us). All her income sources were reflected on her self-employed tax books. Her tax returns were complied and signed off by our accountant, who had no problem with them.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 30/07/2014 14:29

I thought the immigration rules were quite strict, in that if someone is allowed in to join a UK spouse then that spouse would need to be earning in excess of 18k per annum in order to support them and no recourse to public funds?

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:31

As far as HMRC were concerned she was a freelance cleaner/housekeeper/childcarer, who did a number of different jobs in different households (some short term some longer term). And that was the truth! I was in fact advised by the employment agency that I needed to make sure she was registered for self-employed tax if I was aware that she went over the tax threshold (which she did do), so I helped her to register and got my accountant to do her taxes. Any of her other employers could have offered this help/advice but no-one else bothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:36

Yes that's right, she was earning in excess of 18k from all her jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:37

And yes, he does have no recourse to public funds. And I made sure she understood that when she told me he was planning to move here. She thought he would easily get a job. Which has not happened so far.

OP posts:
PickleMyster · 30/07/2014 14:39

Good, if HMRC are happy with that I don't think you've got anything to worry about.

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:42

The fact that she was indeed working really hard, many hours, and was therefore managing to do pretty well, had a good income etc, just makes me all the more sad that she is now in such a pickle.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:45

Oh I was never worried about the tax issue, I was very certain to make sure her tax affairs were all totally correct. In fact in general I did a lot to make sure she was able to do well, legitimately and without any fiddling or deception. She worked hard of course, but I also advised her how to be sure it was all done in completely the right way, to try and give her the best possible opportunity to do well in her life (I did feel sorry for her she came from a poor background and had been through a lot to try and better her circumstances, that's why I was so helpful to her. I really thought she was worth the effort).

OP posts:
Icimoi · 30/07/2014 14:46

She decided to leave her job purely because she was pregnant and wanted a free house. You helped her try to get this magical free house by writing a letter saying you no longer employed her. Of course that is true, you don't, but you wrote the letter so she could then use it to try and get a free house.

Itsfab, that's ridiculous. How can you possibly say it is morally wrong for OP to have written a letter containing nothing more than the truth? You might as well say it's morally wrong for doctors to write reports about people's disabilities to enable them to claim disability benefits.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 30/07/2014 14:47

Op, I would be sad about this too. But she has brought it upon herself.

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:49

I did not write the letter to get her a free house. She is not going to get a free house, and I told her so, several times. I wrote the letter because she told me she was no longer working for me and and she wanted a letter to that effect. I still see nothing wrong (even morally) in that.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 30/07/2014 14:52

You've done nothing wrong and as someone said up thread I'm sure once she realises what a stupid position she is in she'll be back in contact.

Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:53

In fact I did not even address the letter to the council, I addressed it to whom it may concern. She can use it for whatever purposes she wants, wherever she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
chimera123 · 30/07/2014 14:55

She can get back in contact and I will be nice to her, but if she is was ever to be working for me again (and I cannot see that happening really), I would first be very sure that she was not passing herself off to the council (or any other agency providing benefits) as unemployed.

OP posts:
Gen35 · 30/07/2014 14:58

Just all sounds a bit like her being led up the garden path by her husband. She'll recover, and it may take her a while to recover but if you warned her several times I don't see what else you could have done. I've contracted for a while and definitely didn't resign or get sacked, it was a fixed term so ended at the term date but you should follow up.

PickleMyster · 30/07/2014 15:02

I don't think you did anything wrong.
You made her aware on several occasions that they wouldn't get a house, she choose to ignore you. You say her husband hasn't been in the UK long, he may have been told (in his home country) about getting free housing and benefits and then (he) has been telling her that it's true and anyone (you) telling her otherwise is lying. You did as much to pre warn her as possible.

PickleMyster · 30/07/2014 15:03

X post with Gen

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 30/07/2014 15:14

Maybe her husband reads the Daily Mail? It is full of 'immigrants coming over here, getting our benefits and free council houses, blah blah blah' after all Wink ^^

Anyway! It's a sad situation OP but I can't see that you've done anything wrong, and as has been said above, it's not you who put her into this situation, she did it herself.

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