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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get annoyed when asked my marital status when leaving a message?

439 replies

peanutbutterandbanana · 30/07/2014 11:40

GGGRRRR - I used to get this in the last century... you make a call and the person answering needs you to leave a message, so you give your details and they say 'Miss or Mrs?'. My marital status is unnecessary and a man would certainly not be asked to confirm his personal home setup.

I've just called someone who runs an employment agency and I know her quite well. She's a one-woman-band so obviously uses one of these answering services, so I had to spend ages spelling my name out, detailing whether I was an individual or a company and then asked 'is it Miss or Mrs?', "Irrelevant," I said.

But my blood is now boiling. I cannot believe that we are well into the 21st Century and this question is still being asked when it is absolutely not relevant to this call or to my potential employment or to anyone else, in fact, apart from me and my OH/DP/DH. AIBU?

OP posts:
cingolimama · 01/08/2014 18:09

I singularly HATE that practice. It's not correct, it's incredibly outdated.

CharlotteCollins · 01/08/2014 18:19

I don't think anyone's mentioned on this thread that the pronunciation of Ms is "Mizz" not "Mzz", like the PP who mentioned bumblebees thought.

Re teachers: I think Sir/Miss is fine. I've thought about this and come to the conclusion that I have heard both said either with respect or without, depending (funnily enough) on whether the student respects said teacher or not!

Cutepaw · 01/08/2014 23:54

Assuming it's just some jobsworth that's asking and not someone who has the right to know ... if they ask Miss/Mrs ... I choose from Rev. Dr. Lady or Professor pretty much at random. Although if they've really annoyed me I'm much more likely to go with Rev.
It's fascinating how much junk mail I get via organisations who shouldn't ever have passed on my false title on to anyone who wanted to sell me insurance or whatever.

Moln · 02/08/2014 00:36

I always use Ms, because I'm not a Mr.

I also work (it seems) in a modern place as I was doing a work related exam recently and on the details page the options were 'Ms' or 'Mr'.

Evidently this would have driven some around the twist!!

MrsMcColl · 02/08/2014 08:41

Haven't RTFT but firmly agree with OP. And feel the need to point out that despite my name here, I am not a Mrs and never will be. Smile

Glasshammer · 02/08/2014 08:51

All women could be a Ms

IdealistAndProudOfIt · 03/08/2014 08:47

14 pages to this thread! Sorry I haven't read all of it... but my tenpenn'orth is that the titles, as titles, are a formal way of referring to people when you don't know them very well. I would feel very uncomfortable walking up to a strange client / customer at work and addressing them by their first names as if we were friends. If you are then invited to use first names, fair enough, but not straight away. Both parties may find the extra formal distance useful if you're dealing with complaints, or private health matters for instance!

The problem that british titles for women indicate marital status is a separate one for me. It's a shame, given their usefulness. In France and Germany they are merely age-related. Ms looks like the easiest-to adopt compromise.

This is one of the problems with social customs changing so fast, different age groups keep the ones that were current when they were growing up. Naturally I consider mine to be the best.

Chunderella · 03/08/2014 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 11:16

Sorry I haven't read all of it... but my tenpenn'orth is that the titles, as titles, are a formal way of referring to people when you don't know them very well. I would feel very uncomfortable walking up to a strange client / customer at work and addressing them by their first names as if we were friends. If you are then invited to use first names, fair enough, but not straight away.

It won't surprise you to read that this has been covered in the 14 pages you skipped. A few times.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 03/08/2014 13:03

Ok another haven't rtft. Sorry in advance. OP YANbU. I am a ms since adulthood.

But, why wouldn't we just reclaim Mrs? Just use Mrs for all adult women as the equivalent to mr. A title that says 'adult woman' and is neutral on marital status?

I'd hazard a guess feminism has explored and rejected this idea but can't think why. Can anyone explain?

IdealistAndProudOfIt · 03/08/2014 13:12

Ah well. Sorry missed those bits, but it doesn't greatly surprise me.

eitherwaythatway · 03/08/2014 13:16

I work in a call centre and only ever ask Miss/ Mrs when I've asked for the full name and can't hear what's been said after repetition/ spelling it out.

It's usually people who are pissed off they have to leave a message/ be transferred to someone else so speak quickly.

kickassangel · 03/08/2014 19:06

On a more cheerful note, DH and I went and opened a bank account last week.
I went first as I was the one opening it. then DH's name. both of us just first name last name, NO title at all.

then we opened a saving thing for DD - first name, last name. The only thing they checked was asking if the last name was the same for each of us.

SO - it appears that it's possible to carry out business politely without needing to use a title at all.

nocheeseinhouse · 03/08/2014 22:51

I have a gender neutral title, but if it is not offered in their options, and it is obligatory to put one, I will sometimes put Ms, but more often put Mr, as it's only one letter from my actual title, as opposed to a completely different one.

I don't see why we give men and women different titles at all, or in fact have them, in this day and age. It's an odd concept, given gender is not so rigid as once thought etc.

heraldgerald · 04/08/2014 00:08

Ok.
Where's the petition then. I'm fired up and want to take some serious action!

HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 00:20

Huh. I've never gotten this for leaving messages. I have had situations where I have an option and just mark Ms. But really I hate being addressed by my last name, too formal and weird. Just call me by my first.

Mrs. Happy is my mother. Grin

I'm also not from the UK. In the US it wouldn't occur to us to call you anything other than your first name. Or it would be "Is Ms. Firstname Lastname there?" But never "Ms/Mrs. Lastname" unless it was a strictly formal setting. I'm having a hard time thinking of one, but it happens rarely.

HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 00:22

Oh! Teachers.

And... military, but then it's just "Lastname" no title.

pamish · 05/08/2014 12:59

A little history - MR stands for Mister and Master. MRS and MISS, for Missus and Mistress. It was an age distinction, not marital; that came later. Titles are part of our aristocracy, and the M's were brought in to distinguish the plebs from the aristo's.

Better solution? Dump the lot. Why do we need them? Addressing envelopes and letters can be done by initial.surname. Seems obvious to me, I've been doing it for years unless forced by a box-ticking choice. It's almost worth going for that PhD to avoid it.
.

edamsavestheday · 05/08/2014 13:09

Surely Missus is just a phonetic way of writing out Mrs - for people who pronounce it that way?

CharlotteCollins · 05/08/2014 23:51

DD was filling in a form for me this afternoon.

"Do I tick 'Mrs'?" she asked.
"No, tick 'Ms', please," I replied. "Mrs and Miss are quite old-fashioned these days."

On the strength of this thread, anyway! If enough people say it, it'll become true!

I told her "Ms" was pronounced "Miz", too.

superstarheartbreaker · 06/08/2014 07:44

Why do people assume that all single women (detest the word spinster) own cats?

Ok I am a single women with a cat but what about all of those dog or iguana owning single ladies?

Sorry to derail slightly but I am a ms . If I ever do marry then I pm not sure what I will be.

Flipflops7 · 07/08/2014 09:33

Edam, I think missus is just phonetic too. Mrs is short for Mistress and Miss is a word in its own right. There are age-related distinctions in some countries (especially in Europe) but in English speaking countries the terms are changed upon marriage.

KillmeNow · 08/08/2014 21:39

I took a call today from a woman asking for information. From her reference number I located her name. I used her first name to say that we would go to the next stage of the enquiry.

She absolutely went barmy at me ."How DARE you use my first name.I have NOT given you permission to use my first name. "

Okay .

Then she said that I was NOT to ask her about her marital status. If there was a security question that asked about her marital status she would refuse to answer it . She said that as a gay woman she found marital status questions to be degrading.

So...um ...how can I address someone who objects to having her first name used and will not use a marital status?

prettybird · 08/08/2014 21:43

Umm - use Ms

Isn't that one of its purposes? It's certainly why I've mused it for the last 30+ years.

KillmeNow · 08/08/2014 22:28

Well thats what i would have thought .

But no .

When she said no marital status she meant NO marital status. So first name (which I wasnt allowed to use) and last name.So should I have just called her Smith (for example)?

Would have made conversation stilted to day the least .

The point was moot anyway as she put the phone down in fury having stated that I was being deliberately provocative by asking her questions ( to determine who she was so I could give her the information).

As if I care a jot what her marital status was.As long as whatever was on the security question screen matched what she was telling me I dont care what her name/title/occupation or income is. Although she told me twice in a 2 minute conversation that she was gay which was the most irrelevant information possible for her query.