AIBU to get annoyed when asked my marital status when leaving a message?

[peanutbutterandbanana]

GGGRRRR - I used to get this in the last century... you make a call and the person answering needs you to leave a message, so you give your details and they say 'Miss or Mrs?'. My marital status is unnecessary and a man would certainly not be asked to confirm his personal home setup.

I've just called someone who runs an employment agency and I know her quite well. She's a one-woman-band so obviously uses one of these answering services, so I had to spend ages spelling my name out, detailing whether I was an individual or a company and then asked 'is it Miss or Mrs?', "Irrelevant," I said.

But my blood is now boiling. I cannot believe that we are well into the 21st Century and this question is still being asked when it is absolutely not relevant to this call or to my potential employment or to anyone else, in fact, apart from me and my OH/DP/DH. AIBU?

Numpties, please tell me if I should be a Mrs or a Miss. You see, I'm married but I didn't change my name. If I am Miss Joss, that suggests I'm unmarried. But if I were Mrs Joss, that would suggest my husband was Mr Joss. And he's not. Plus, Mrs Joss is, well, my mum's name.

Ms Joss is the only version that makes sense. Van you see? Unless you have a more sensible solution...?!

I'm a bit affronted that it appears I have to insulted by being asked if I'm a mrs. I am. I chose this title. My right to choose.

Just because you don't like it doesn't mean I have to alter to suit you. You want to be called something, ask for it politely. Your right to choose.

That's what equality and feminism are, rights to choose with neither being wrong.

My Mum, after years of being a Mrs (and quite a conservative and traditional person) has adopted Ms in the last few years when dealing with officialdom if they insist on a title, because she's decided it's none of their business.

I was surprised and thrilled.

Not quite, Pickle. The titles 'Mrs' and 'Miss' have an impact on the way 'Ms' is perceived, as is amply demonstrated on this thread!

Feminism isn't about saying that any choice made by a woman is inherently liberated and equally good, just because it was made by a woman.

Mrs = married woman
Miss = unmarried woman or child
Ms = refuses to say whether married or not. Opts out of 'normal' forms of address for women. Awkward. Spinster/lesbian/divorcee. Wants an option our drop-down menu doesn't have.

Mr = Male.

That's not fair, is it?

Pickle, is anyone suggesting you have to change it? Or that you have to be insulted? After all, why would you be - people regularly offer you the title you've chosen, and you've chosen a title that implies you're comfortable with sharing your marital status.

But it'd be nice if peoplel (a) didn't assusme it was a binary choice and insist on one or t'other, (b) didn't make a huge deal out of it if someone asks for an alternative or (gasp) no title and (c) didn't imply/say that Ms calls to mind bitter wanky pretentious cat-owning spinster lesbians (did I miss any?), which is where this thread has been goiing.

I have no problem with cat owners, unmarried women or lesbians, incidentally.

Sorry, nit is right. I forgot one. Bitter wanky pretentious cat-owning divorced spinster lesbians.

I do think that people quoting their professional qualifications in an industry/environment where having at least one degree is the norm is wanky.

Other than that, numpties, I think your posts are profoundly depressing and make me more determined to insist on "Ms" on more things (it's already the default, but some slip through the net). If enough people who care don't do something about it now, then the maiden aunt/mad lesbian cat woman/whatever other connotations will persist, and our daughters will face the same challenge and not, as they should (as we should) have a title available to them which is free of all societal prejudice.

Incidentally, there was a Forbes list of powerful women published this morning for the industry in which I work. I work for one of them, and another is a personal friend. Both are married, with children. One changed her name on marriage, the other didn't. Both use "Ms". I dare anyone to roll their eyes at either.

But Stealth 'dr' is a title you get when you complete your Phd; 'mrs' is a title you get when you get married. Surely it's just as wanky to insist on being called 'mrs' in an industry/environment where your marital status is irrelevant?

Bitter wanky pretentious cat-owning divorced spinster lesbians who can't get a man.

Actually, Nit, sorry, I should have qualified - I don't object to "Dr" - at all - it's the "Fred Bloggs BSc Xyz ABC(Nowherestown)" business cards that I don't like.

My father, uncle and 2 aunts all have PhDs and all use "Dr" - uncle and aunt are therefore "Drs A & B Bloggs" on letters, which I rather like.

yabu

firstly, its such a minor thing to be bothered about

secondly, in terms of dealing with customer services/ businesses, staff are told to call you so one of the first things asked will always be your title and name so that during the conversations they can use your name. More people would get upset if call centre staff started using everyones first name on calls for example.

also, most times i am asked, I get asked for my preferred title, not are you x or y. Give them your preferred title, whatever that may be and worry about other stuff

Araiba, have you read much of the thread? Or clocked that OP wasn't asked her preferred title - or that many systems don't go beyond the binary for women? Or why this matters to a lot of people?

Maybe you did, and thought none of it was relevant.

I got asked my title last year, I opted for 'Lady' gave us all a good giggle each time their rubbish plopped through the door!

Hmm now wondering if it wouldn't be pretentious after all to use the Dr from my newly acquired PhD, specially as it is gender free. Will have to think about it.

Meanwhile, over on dadsnet they are having a discussion about how unfair it is women get so many titles to choose from which may, if they so wish, indicate their martial status while the poor blokes are so unimportant they all get lumped with the same title! [Hmm]

Jesus there's some airheads on this thread.

Araiba - if you read my post which started this thread you will know that the person who annoyed me was taking a message and asked for my name, so I gave it to her. That should have been the end of it.

But no.

She then wanted to know if I was married or unmarried by asking me an irrelevant question and one which she would not have asked a man. If I had felt a title was part of my name I would have given it to her. The customer is always right (if she had been trained properly).

It is a simple case of everyday sexism and I for one will battle to change this stupid indiscrepancy in our society, one person at a time. If, by starting this thread, one or two others are now more aware of the inconsistency of how 'people' are dealt with (ie others dealing with them differently be they a man or a woman) and do something about it, then I will have achieved something. I may not be as brave as other campaigning women who have sought to change our society to a more equal one prior to today, but I will have made a contribution. And the world will be a better place for my DDs and for my DS.

This 'fight' may not be for everyone but then again YOUR battles may not be mine either - but isn't it great that we all care about different things, so that the mass sum of us is making many little small positive changes to what goes on around us. Ergo - a better world all round

For those making the Mr's point about Mrs, I class myself as Mrs Catsize but am in a civil partnership. No doubt technically incorrect, but the men in suits drafting the legislation failed to chew over the title issue. I do not consider myself Miss or Ms. It seems that Wing Commander is the only way... although not convinced that is a title

ps I am a cat-owning lesbian who is a bit bitter about stuff but not divorced.

Yes, I was wondering whether lesbian marriage changed some of this. Though am still a resolute Ms.

damepeanutbutterandbanana - I still can't see in the OP where you were asked about your marital status... many people have posted in this thread about how their titles do not correspond to miss- single, mrs- married.

i used to be on the phones for an insurance company and you had to get the title for people when taking details. for most men I would say "is that Mr X?" when taking details as I would be right most often, for women, I asked for their preferred title. I never thought about it and noone ever commented either.

I guess i just don't see it as something to get that wound up about

I was asked "is that Miss or Mrs" which is the same thing as asking if I was married or unmarried. I told her it was irrelevant... because it was, particularly in an employment agency situation. And it was only a blinking telephone message ffs. No form to fill in at all, just a message pad. I had given her my name, so the rest of it was unnecessary.

"I was asked "is that Miss or Mrs" which is the same thing as asking if I was married or unmarried."

maybe 100 years ago. these days your title is not the same as your marital status

i have friends who got married and still use miss. i have friends who aren't married known as mrs

posters on this thread also point out how it doesn't apply to them

I was asked "is that Miss or Mrs" which is the same thing as asking if I was married or unmarried. I told her it was irrelevant... because it was, particularly in a requesting kitchen caddy bags situation.

I think it's fascinating that some people are so attached to the idea that they need to know women's marital status that they invented or spread the 'Ms = divorced' myth. Why would you do that? It shows how strong the idea that women are defined by whether they've 'caught' a man is.