To feel miffed by guests behaviour on the weekend?

[lill72]

We have just moved house and finally have a lovely garden. As it was a hot night, we invited some friends around for a BBQ to our new house. We were excited to have them round and share our new place. When they left ,I just felt upset and slightly insulted by their behaviour.

When they walked in, they didnt make any comment on the house. I don't want over the top - but a comment would have been nice. They just asked - do you like the area better etc. They didnt ask to be shown around, but then asked me a comment about DDs bedroom, which alerted me to the fact they had been snooping in the room whilst on the way to the bathroom. All their comments were an attempt to try and put us down, as I don't think they like being outdone. They have no kids and live in a modern, stark, city apartment. Our house is the opposite of this, so not sure if they just didnt like it. But hey a comment would have been nice.

They also always bring their own drinks. No problem there. But they always refuse to drink yours. It is as if they aren't good enough. DH went and bought some lovely white wine, but they just had a sip, then went back to their wine. There was nothing special about theirs.

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it.

I get the feeling that they are most comfortable in their own home, with their wine and their food. Nothing else is ever good enough. We went to an effort and it was just chucked in our face I thought. They are never gracious and very thankful. Very very hard to please. So much to the point that despite the fact that we like them -well the guys anyway (i have never liked the wife), we just don't want to have them over again. Which would be odd, as we are friends. I would rather have people very who are more appreciative and easy going.

I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything.

Any suggestions? One thought is to always have the over with others.

So lets keep on doing what WE WERE ASKED TO DO which is to be more proactive in tackling unpleasantness on threads, and reporting at the same time.

If that is excruciating to watch, you can always, you know, stop watching.

Oh I would Kate, I would.

But can you imagine the can of worms trying to pin down a definition? we all know it when we see it, so I guess we can work with that!

Madame... Many of us are now being more proactive on threads and calling posters on rudeness. Just not repeatedly to the same poster. It's my opinion, just as you have yours. MNHQ has asked for reports; no need for commentary on that.

I didn't call you or anybody else a hall monitor but that's the way it feels to me at the moment. I found your posts really patronising and I'll 'input' where I want to, with or without your approval, thank you.

I agree with ObfusKate, the guidelines are there and posters can post within them.

Most here don't want a bunfight and are grown up enough to call out rudeness where they see it and/or report it.

Lying. You are very very confusing.

Its either ok for any number of posters to call out on rudeness on a thread, or it is not.

MNHQ have said please do - AND to report as well.

And you are being wholly disingenous to claim you have called neither me nor other posters 'Hall Monitors'.

As for input, I will do so where and when I wish also. Funny that you find MY posts patronising, but your posts measured and reasonable, despite posting posts that could be considered passive aggressive and controlling about how people comment or report on threads.

Deary me.

at least I only complained about people being rude, unlike you who have complained about people complaining about people being rude. Which as I said, is neither helpful or necessary.

Just make your mind up eh? Either people CAN comment and report, as they see fit, as your last sentence seems to indicate, or they should, er not. By calling people Hall Monitors you are making it pretty clear you think that people on this thread who have called people out on rudeness were doing so unnecessarily.

IF you are referring the exchange between me and Adish, you seem to have completely missed the fact that it had developed into a bit of a jolly jape. Between us. Never mind.

Madame. In my opinion, you are coming across as rather patronising. I hope that this is permissible to mention.

(Coming over all 18th century seems to be catching.)

lawks.

I think two simple, polite comments - one from each side - could have nipped this in the bud:

Them: "What a lovely house, hope you'll be very happy here."

It might be the biggest shit tip in the southern hemisphere (I'm sure it's not, OP!) and not to their taste, but it's the most basic good manners to make an innocuous positive comment the first time you go to the new house belongng to friends of ten years' standing.

You/DH: "I'm sorry Mr Chef, we bought what looked like lovely steak but it's fattier than we expected. I know you don't like fat so don't feel obliged to eat it."

Acknowledges his preferences, takes the pressure of him, you take control and preempt the situation so it doesn't come as a shock if he does just push it round his plate.

I have to say OP, having read the whole thread there seems to be some cognitive dissonance going on. You say you like Mr Chef but the majority of your comments about him and his wife and their lifestyle / habits are very negative. You don't make either of them sound very likeable which is why you come across as a bit U. I know I'm struggling to see why you are friends with them when it doesn't read as though you like them very much.

pressure off him

OP, sorry you had a bad evening when you clearly went to so much effort.

You do sound rather over-invested in their reaction and seem to have needed them to behave in a certain fashion.

I remember a similar post recently; if I were you, I'd let this angsty friendship go and find people you can relax around.

signyourname agreed!

Also apologies OP I missed that the Oyster Bay Sauv blanc was what they brought -I'd misread that you offered them two different types of sauv blanc but actually both of you brought it (and also they have done the same with other wines/grapes/even the champagne!) so it wasn't that, agreed it is just rude!

I'd give up having them round to yours just as a couple and as you suggested upthread instead only have them round as part of the wider group, and as a couple only meet them out - then at least it's not your cooking he's picking apart. Have to say my DM who is also a chef also does this picking apart food critique thing - she just can't help herself, it's a professional interest type of thing and is part of her enjoyment in a meal out - so try not to let that get to you,

Pagwatch - I think he was just say I was effacing in every sense. I don't show off about anything. Career, etc etc. That is the only reason I mentioned. I dont think you are getting my point?!!!!! I don't think I am better than anyone - I was just mentioning something he once said to me!!!! I am far from the person you are making me out to be - but feel free to make up all the generalisations you want based on a few posts!

Choos - yes this is osso bucco guy!! We always bring wine we know they like (grape etc) but it's never good enough, no matter how good.

Adish - you don't know what you are talking about. My DH and I are simply worn down after asking them over countless times (as they invite us over a lot) and each time getting the same result. No appreciation and love from them. It is just wearing. You cannot make sweeping generalisatons about who we are from one isolated incident, obviously which I am fairly negative about.

Have you decided this isn't worth it, OP?

This thread seems to be getting overly complicated to me

Sorry, by this, I meant, this "friendship"

I've had friends I've grown apart from/gone off. It happens

...or they have gone off me

If you will forgive me, you are still going around in increasingly pointless circles.
The point is you don't like having them over to your house and you don't like her at all.
So stop inviting them over.

It actually doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.

yup

Yep - my DH and I basically have agreed that we will not invite them over again on their own. If we feel it is unvoidable to invite them (as they invite us over a lot), it will be with others or just meet out for a meal.

Yes agreed it has gone round and round a bit, but everyone's thoughts have helped crystalise what I should be doing, so for that I thank you all!

You don't like her.He's a pretentious prat ( who ever heard of a chef who didn't like fat on a steak)?Cross them off your Christmas Card list and save yourselves a fortune and a wholelot of angst.

Maras2 - well said!

Why thank you Lill.

No Shit Sherlock.

I got half way through this thread, saw someone implying that 'cunt' was less offensive than 'girl' and gave up on reading.

lill I don't think YABU at all. I could never go to someone's new home and not make a polite comment. It's weird. They sound a bit offish. I agree with meeting on neutral territory.