To ask what the issue is with having only one child?

[shareacokewithnoone]

I'm genuinely surprised some people seem to see it as something really awful.

To me, it's just a different family. Two is my ideal but if I was backed into a corner I'd rather have one than three (for example.)

Those who see it as something bad - why? I mean this very genuinely.

MilkandCereal because I've seen previous threads where posters were bashed when they dared to point out the downsides of being an only child and that they would never choose to have an only child if they can help it (even if they were only children themselves). Basically if they point out that being an only child isn't always all wonderful and sunshine and rainbows. I don't think that's been the case on this thread though.

We have one.
We only want one.
Having another won't make me more of a parent than having one.
Our son has plenty of friends, DH's family is big (he's 1 of 6, his oldest brother has 5 and lives nearby) so plenty of cousins to play with.
He'll do some activities when he's older (now only 2.7), be that football, karate, dance or underwater basket weaving.
And we'll also be able to fly back to UK to see his grandparents, or Australia to visit his Aussie cousins.

I wasn't raised to be selfish and self-centred and neither was DH, why would our son grow up to be like that? Even tjough he is young, we still say 'no' to him. And he isn't lonely at all.

Mamuzza you could have described Spain: no child benefits at all, no family allowance, no free childcare after 3yo. DS starts school this September - he won't be 3yo until December, but we can't afford to put him in playgroup/nursery for another year.

One final thing.....

WE DON'T WAMT ANOTHER ONE!

Sorry for shouting. It could be financial, physical (both us parents or DS), shocking birth and dreadful recovery,age of me/us. Unlesd you are a close friend or family relation, you won't know why, you'll hear: "Another one? Lordy no. Next one will be a dog! Haha"

this subect drives me nuts and seems to appear on MN regularly. I find it as annoying as ie filling in forms that always seem to ask both your religion & ethnicity. In a word, it's noones bloody business and shouldn't matter. I have had a terrible ten years ttc (stopped a few years ago) hence my rude outburst on a previous post which got deleted ....... but i still stand by it (minus the rudeness). This obsession that i have had to endure from too many mothers who appeared to have had the quantity of children they desired and then criticise women who 'selfishly' had 'only one'. fwiw i have a sister but have an awful sad empty non relationship with her and would have preferred to not have had one at all as miserable as that sounds. My dd is very happy and appears to have a great life. I know all the pitfalls of her not having a sibling, i too worry about her later in life etc etc but to constantly read it on MN when it is always written by women who have (probably with great ease) completed their family, terribly upsetting.

Agree with cate, siblings are not guarantee of someone to stand by you in the tough times. My mum died when I was 20 and my brother 18. We never talk about it as his and my view of our childhood and everything that happened through her long illness are polar opposites. We have a good relationship and see each other regularly but only by NOT discussing the past.

My DS is an only. I didn't have him till 37 and while we could still try for a second I don't want to be pregnant in my 40s and the 3 of us feels right. Whether he is happy about that when he grows up is up to him. I will do all I can to let him play with other children and have friends round and hopefully he won't be lonely. My dad is an only and was very lonely growing up but they lived in the middle of nowhere and his parents did nothing with him as they were too busy.

I got what you meant Sparks

I think having 5 or 6 cards is far more selfish and outlandish than than having 1. Each to their own.

I agree having 5/6 kids is far more selfish than having 1. The only way the planet will survive is if occasionally people decide to have only 1 child.

My husband strong-armed me into number 2. I'm thankful I agreed because I love the bones of number 2, but is that really a good reason to have another? I'm sure I'd love my 10th child as much as my first.

Selfish just having one?! What a load of bollocks. It's far more selfish for parents to keep having kids just because they want to have lots of kids, without considering the impact on the existing child or children. Even having no. 2 can be selfish when Dc no. 1 is taken into consideration. And the world is already overpopulated, so even having one child is technically selfish in terms of the world's resources, etc.

Am not saying that people shouldn't have however many kids, or none, just putting another side of the argument over.

My son will be an only child. It disgusts me that there are people so inane and immature that they would pronounce me a worthy mother of an only, or a selfish one, based purely on the reasons why he is an only.

As for me, I loved being an only child. Then my parents had another child, a sibling with massive behavioural difficulties which dominated family life and all their attention. I've had to have therapy for how shit my life became after he came along. Do I love him? Yes. Would my life have been better if I'd stayed an only child? Also yes. I realise that this is not going to be everyone's experience of such a sibling, but it's not unique to my family either.

There is no one size fits all. All I ask, like most parents of only children, I'm sure, is that people stop making/asking tactless fucking comments and questions about only children. People just love to go on about how an only 'must' have a sibling, etc., etc., to someone who might be severely depressed because they can't have another child. Or just to someone whose choice to have one child is as valid as any other family-size choice.

But having one child is the norm nowadays. 2.4 is now 1.6 children I think.

I have one DS and have never heard any negative comments. I was surprised recently to discover there is a one child family section on here (it may be for something else so forgive me). Why the need for such a section I don't know.

moolis - because MNetters who have one child wanted somewhere they could chat about the ups and downs of having one child without the negativity that goes on in such threads on MN.

I have two now.
Before dc2 I knew that one would be "easier"
But I couldn't bear the idea of having to take friends of ds on holiday all the time.

Only an only in adulthood as my DB died a few years ago. Can't comment on childhood only ism but know as an adult I don't enjoy it. I am the sole focus for my parents. I also worry about them when they are very old and I have no one to share their care with.

FWIW I thought I would only have one but ended up with two and am pleased that I have 2.

Lonny glad my Mum isn't alone in finding it hard to work out sibling dynamics as an only child. But I was impressed by her discovering the 'make them gang up against me' trick.

If I had two, I bet they'd both run rings round me. At least with ds, dh and I outnumber him - I can't imagine how friends with three cope... obv. they do, but I have no idea how!

Oh I see. I wondered what it was for. I suppose I'm just personally fortunate I haven't encountered any negativity anywhere, so don't get why there is supposed to be any. I was an only child growing up too.

moolis I never encountered negativity...until I moved to England as an older teen when the pity party started. Now as an adult I get no negativity.

I only had one due to medical reasons. I sometimes feel sad for her, but where we live she has plenty of friends to play with. She has a great imagination and plays happily on her own too.

If we go out to a local attraction I take a friend for her. I go on holiday to holiday parks so she has other kids to play with.

I think she would love a sister but its not going to happen. I would have loved a sister but only had DB. My mum was one of five and there's no love lost there at times.

I've had the comments about how mean i was to just have one and now I just say, well XH walked out when she was four, so out of my hands, sorry! That usually shuts them up.

I do think an awful lot of 'projection' goes on to only children from those around them. A lot of people are scared witless of being 'alone'. People go from one crap relationship to the next for fear of being 'alone'. Seeing people eating out alone or going to the cinema alone freaks some people out. Therefore, regardless of the actual situation of the only child (i.e. whether they are happy or not, or indeed if they ever feel lonely), the mere label seems to conjure up a lot of pity and concern. All of which is totally irrational and speaks volumes about the person voicing the concern, in my opinion.

There will be only children who are happy about it and only children who are sad about it. There will be children with siblings who are happy about it and children with siblings who are sad about it.

There is no secret recipe to giving someone a happy childhood. Even with the best intentions in the world - there are just too many variables that are completely out of our control that might mean your child is sad about some aspect of their life.

If you are genuinely worried about children being lonely - then you should worry for all children who might seem lonely- not just only children. I was one of three and desperately lonely growing up because I never felt understood by my family and nor did they make any genuine attempt to understand me. My parents made the mistake of trying to treat us all the same - in an attempt to always be 'fair'. What I needed was to have my own individual needs met. I do wonder if this might have been more feasible if I had been an only. But then again maybe not.

Excellent post, MrsRambo.