To ask what the issue is with having only one child?

[shareacokewithnoone]

I'm genuinely surprised some people seem to see it as something really awful.

To me, it's just a different family. Two is my ideal but if I was backed into a corner I'd rather have one than three (for example.)

Those who see it as something bad - why? I mean this very genuinely.

Yep, I agree with all the posters saying that anything goes, and that you can never predict how things will turn out (however many siblings - or otherwise - you have).

In relation to the idea that siblings can help look after parents when they are old... Yes that must be handy. However, this too is totally unpredictable. I myself have two siblings who are quite ill and won't be able to help much. And when my parents die, I will most likely look after my siblings too. When we were small, no one could have predicted this.

Personally, I'd say to go with your gut about how many DC feels right (if you have the luxury of being able to choose, of course). Then everyone deals with whatever life throws as best they can, whether an only child or one of many.

Likewise, I simply can't imagine how it would have felt when my Mum died last June not to have had my brother there holding one of her hands while I held the other.

Why would you. You have a supportive, sharing sibling.

On the other hand my DH can immagine that losing his mum, after us being left to do the careing, might have been a tad less painful if his brother hadn't been kicking him in the teeth mere minutes after she died.

My DH can immagine NOT laying his mother to rest in the one place she had long begged not to be sent to for eternity. Which he might have had the strength to stand up and fight against, despite his grief, had he not had a lifetime of learning not to cross his domeneering older brother who steamrollers people as a default position.

It's like roulette. You can get greats siblings you can get Ok ones, and you can get outright shitty ones .

You know who my husband can't immagine going through his mother's death without, whose support he can't immagine having gone through all that grief without ?

Me.

That's what I hope for my son. That as he grows as an adult, we will have sucessfully equipped him to choose well. So in his worst of times he will have people to stand by his side, becuase they love him. I don't care if those are his cousins with a family connection, the person he chose to be his partner, or really good friends. I just want to do a good enough job so he knows how to surround himself with good people.

My Dad is the second of four, an older sister, a younger sister and a much younger brother. His older sister was completely deaf and I think was sent away to a special school (60/70 years ago so quite common then) and his younger brother is 13 years younger than him. He was always adamant that he wanted no more than two children, not bothered about gender. Both his sisters are dead now and he isn't in touch with his brother. My Mum has a younger brother who she is very close to, she would perhaps have had three if they had been able to afford it but they couldn't so they didn't and they ended up with me then my brother so one of each. They didn't want to have us quite as early as they did as my Dad was 22 and my Mum 3 days off of being 20 when I was born but nature intervened!

When I was about 8 and my brother was 7 they had a scare that she was pregnant again (she wasn't) and it confirmed to them that they didn't want anymore and my Dad had the snip to make sure.

My brother has two girls, I think he would have liked a boy as well but my SIL was very ill during both pregnancies and also had a miscarriage so it wasn't an option and he has had the snip now as well to make sure there are no accidents. My SIL has lots of siblings and at least one half sibling, she'd has said in the past that she might have preferred not to have had any children as she had an abusive childhood and is only close to her younger brother but I think she is glad now that she did.

I don't have any children. This is not a lifestyle choice in case you were wondering shakethetree, I have fibroids so I had a miscarriage and then didn't manage to get pregnant again but when I thought about it I always saw myself as only having one child, a boy for preference (perhaps because my brother has two girls, I don't know) but I wasn't really bothered and it didn't happen anyway.

My parents are hale and hearty at the moment, not sure what the future holds but then who is.

My DSD is an only and she says she always wanted siblings but I said that's because she didn't have any - the grass is greener and all that!

I think it's weird to judge people on the number of children they have or haven't got if all the children are happy and looked after.

My DM is one of 8 children and she alone is SOLELY responsible for looking after her father now he is old and frail. The others are either dead/disabled themselves/disinterested/estranged. So much for sharing the load. Terrible reason to have another child.

MY DB is 6 years younger than me and was never really any 'company'. More of a strain as I felt responsible and had to look after him and worry about him. We have nothing in common and as adults we are not close. I get much more support in life from my friends.

I would say, there is no problem with having only one child, and don't feel guilty for leaving your DC as an only, they might well be better off.

Mammuzza yes I agree, having one and bringing them up to make good choices and surround themselves with good people is more important than the number of siblings.

I have 3 siblings, and I felt very lonely growing up for various reasons.

I have one child and for many reasons I will not be having any more. And I definitely don't want anyone's pity. How dare you pity me because my reasons don't qualify for your preset criteria of acceptability. People like you are the reason why people like the op post for support, as they get so stressed out from people judging them.

I am SICK of everyone asking when I'm having the next one and why not when I say no. It's none of their nosy bloody business. And I'm getting much more assertive in dealing with their nosiness. If all you can think of to say to me is 'when's the next one' then you have a tiny mind crap small talk and I don't want to hang out with you anyway. Boring! Next

I have 2 DC but DS who is 4 has several friends who are only children. I don't really get the "lonely only" thing because they're at school, have after school activities, have playdates etc, spend time with other families at weekends, so they get a lot of social exposure- maybe not continuously, but for several hours each day. I can see if your parents are hermits it might be limiting, but I think parents of onlys are often conscious of the need for them to have company and think about who they might like to play with, whereas I just demand that my two play together or at least not bother me!

i am an only child .it was great when i was a child .no one to share my parents affection with .always had the latest stuff .i was always sociable ..but i was lonely sometimes .i have 3 sons .i made a decision to have a few children .but the worse part was when my parents died .there was no.one to share the pain with no shared history .on this fact alone it is really sad to be an adult orphan with no siblings .at least my boys will have each other .

I am an only child, with a 13yo dd (only child)

Can't afford to live as we like to (holidays, large mortgage, meals out, hairdressers, shopping etc) if we were to have another.

Sometimes I feel sad that I won't ever experience a lovely chubby baby in a sleep suit in my bed again.
I do think that this is more a case of wanting to 'rewind' time with dd, rather than a desire to add to our family.

Dd has an impressive social calendar, has dance/singing/drama lessons every night with other children, and brings a friend on family holidays.

I'm sure she would, in some respects, like a sibling.
However, it is my decision.
I wouldn't have another for her sake. My body, my finances, my life.
Plus, I enjoy my job too much to sacrifice a year of my career...was a SAHM until dd started primary and definitely wouldn't want to do that again.

Oh, and I don't mind being an only.
Don't miss what I never had.

april True- but my mum suffered that same thing when her (only) brother died, shortly after her parents, so there's always a chance you'll be the last surviving member of your childhood family unit. I remember her saying "Now there's no-one who remembers me as a child". It was so sad.

Edam made a good point up thread and indeed my friends who have more than one Dc say they often catch me looking at them as if to say 'what the hell is going on here?' because I am a sort-of only (13 yrs between me and DB) with an only. I do find it hard to understand sibling dynamics and what is and isn't acceptable and I'm glad I haven't had to work that out in my own parenting.

I have 2 sisters, but my DD is an only. For me, it was the best choice. I don't have the money or the patience for more than one child. I had her young though so I do have plenty of time to changed my mind. I would say even though I have sisters, I don't feel that close to them. I don't rely on them for anything and don't talk to them that much. No hard feelings, just life getting in the way. Plus they are very different to me.

My DD seems unfazed by being an only, and I make the effort to socialise her with other children. Occasionally I feel a bit guilty, but most of the time I am happy with my choice. It is the best choice for now.

I have had to look after elderly parent even though I have a sibling because he lives abroad. Then he has jetted in at points and annoyed me by trying to take over and tell me what to do. I do generally get on with him but I can't say he's been much help to me in this scenario.

april I am also an 'orphan' and I do have a sibling yes so I don't know what it would be like not to have that, but my real support is DH, his family, and the friends I have around me.

Dbro is not able to be much of a support because he is too far away. I may well not see him for years now. I can phone him up but he knows very little of my daily life.

Shakethetree perfectly demonstrates the incredible ignorance which surrounds only children (sorry to be rude but you do). I am an only for reasons I won't explain (so shakethetree will never know if my parents were selfish or just sad!!) and I adored it.

I never had to put up with irritating siblings, never engaged in the wars I saw so many friends take part in and now my parents are older I don't have to engage in family politics over who visited last or what is in my parents best interests. I also missed out on all the lovely bits of having a sibling.

I wouldn't dream of commenting on another size family negatively. What the hell would I know about living in a larger family? Bugger all, just like shakethetree knows about only children I'm afraid.

Don't pity me. I have a wonderful family life and a great upbringing. Most people on here are sensible but the odd few who offer only children pitiful glances and try and decide who is to blame for our lonesome state really need to think again.

My brother is a complete selfish PITA - was extremely cruel to me as a child and now 20 years later I have I have no idea where he lives (and neither do my parents - all the "care" if any is needed, will fall to me) So having a sibling wasn't/isn't such a great experience for me.

My DD is an only. She loves having our undivided attention, and we can afford to do more with her - in terms of activities, experiences and holidays.

I agree with justgotosleep though - I too, get ridiculous questions about "when are we having another one?" Let's face it, even if we were planning another one who the heck knows in advance exactly when they are going to have the next one?

Am rather envious of being able to waggle a lovely sister like Mammuzza, though!!

Mam-you sound like my mum and dad. Which makes you bloody awesome as far as I'm concerned.

Incidentally, I told my parents about this thread when I skyped them tonight. My mum laughed and said she couldn't work out why people felt this way (she's an only with an only) and my dad was stunned into silence and then just made lots of huffing-and-puffing-I'm-confused-and-want-to-be-polite sounds (he's eldest of three... Don't get him started on family dynamics). Neither of them broke into tears at the fact that they "only" have me.

This type of thread makes me so sad. I can't even tell you.

When my parents go I will be beyond devastated. But I have chosen people to bring into my life (and have been given the confidence to do this) who will be there for me and (I know) will be devastated and cry with me and hold my hand. And you know what, that already brings me comfort and joy. My husband and my friends have shared memories of my parents. Holidays with my parents, birthdays, chilling in the garden, weddings, christenings, Christmases etc. You can choose who you form memories with.

I am 1 of 5 kids and would have given anything to be an only and I may as we'll be now. I love spending time on my own and have very little time for the drama all my siblings seem to thrive on.

I have 1 child at the moment, I'd love to have a second but living in a 2 bed in negative equity means that DD may be an only child, and that's fine with me.

I agree with Sparks - these threads make me so sad. I am an only, of an only mum, with an only DD. I don't think my choice to have an only makes me selfish, or cruel. Nor do I think it made my mother or grandmother selfish, or cruel. What I do think is selfish and cruel is making people feel guilty about their choices. I thought the myth of the 'nuclear' family as the perfect, ideal family had long since died, but it appears not. Those who are onlies remain subjected to stereotyping and scorn. It is those who judge onlies and parents of onlies that perpetuate the stereotypes.

Aw oneforthemummy. I agree. I don't understand where the scorn and mean comments we get but hey ho. People like to judge.

That should have said something about not knowing where the comments come from....

Sandgrown you have described my childhood!

I am an only. When people find this out they often say but you don't act like one!
I don't miss having siblings. I have very good friends and perhaps too outgoing for fear if loneliness maybe. I don't think having siblings make you less lonely.
I enjoyed being spoilt and by spoilt I'm taking about music lessons, etc.
I was speaking to a friend who was one of five who described herself as overlooked. Her other sibling loved coming from a big family.
Life is what you make it!

DD is 10 and living the dream with loving parents and lots of interests.
I am in awe of her ability to make friends wherever she goes and appreciate the way lovely sibling groups welcome her into their play.
Also happy to spend time alone or with us - we have a lot of fun together.
Loving, happy families are fab no matter how many children they contain

It does seem to be a mumsnet theme today. I'm an only, have three children. Advantages & disadvantages to siblings as far as I can see.

shakethetree why has brought you to this conclusion out of interest?

I do think it's a bit shitty the way some posters are saying onlies will be lonely once their parents die. I'm 1 of 4 kids, our parents died when they and we were young. My siblings were of no comfort to me so please don't be so smug as to think your children will be a source of strength to each other in later life. With luck they maybe but there are no guarantees.