To ask what the issue is with having only one child?

[shareacokewithnoone]

I'm genuinely surprised some people seem to see it as something really awful.

To me, it's just a different family. Two is my ideal but if I was backed into a corner I'd rather have one than three (for example.)

Those who see it as something bad - why? I mean this very genuinely.

I do think it is a peculiarly British thing though

Yup.

I think only children are that common here in Italy that people would wear themselves put with sorrow-overload if they went around feeling sorry for onlies.

I am, to all intents and purposes, an only child (have a half sister who is 16 yrs older and didn't live with us). My DH is one of three. There seem to be be pros and cons of both...

I am generally good at spending time on my own - lots of reading / imaginative play etc. as a child and very good at making conversation with adults as a result of being carted round with my mum all the time. It can be a bit lonely, I think it is harder to make friends as a child on holiday, for example, if there is only one of you. However - there was clearly a resource advantage, both financially and in terms of paternal time and focus. As my parents get older, I am acutely aware of potential caring responsibilities and generally being the only child in terms of visiting / contact etc.

My DH avoids the only child parental guilt thing but there are big issues about equality / parity of treatment even now they are all past 30. Plus lots of issues with space / sharing / financial challenge...

Final thought - I love my best friends like they are sisters - you can't choose your family... (My mum, one of 5, will never understand this).

We are planning two dc!!

My DB was born six years after me and we were never close. It's so bad actually that a few months ago DH recognised him in the street and I had no idea, if I was on my own and he'd approached me I reckon I'd have thought he was a chugger . That sounds awful, I know. We had different fathers and his F was an utter wanker that turned abusive towards me when DB was born, I never fit in to that family again once he was born. DB also happened to be the most difficult child in the world for the first six years, always in and out of A&E with various ridiculous injuries, wouldn't sleep in his own bed, always beating me up in his fits of rage because he lost a game and then I'd get blamed for not letting him win. He was bloody awful. He calmed down at six though but by that point I was going through puberty and didn't want to know him or power rangers iykwim.

I was and still am my DFs only child and I loved it so much more when I was there. Got his sole attention, was a major break from naughty DB getting all of the attention at home.

I have 3 DC myself but they were all born within the space of two and a half years so pretty much go through similar stages at the same time. They get along a lot better as a result and it's great for them to have each other. I think the downside to being an only child would be if your parents died you'd have no one to lean on or reminisce with like I won't with my DF. Or if they get really sick it'd be down to you to make necessary arrangements or care for them by yourself.

As for selfish,having children at all is a selfish decision surely. The reasons for having children always start with 'I want' or ' We want/need'. Not that I think this is a bad thing,but it is selfish really.

It's far more selfish to have a child that you do not want. They're not a bloody plaything for the other sibling to have fun with. They're a separate,independent human being whose creation should ideally be carefully considered.

I'm really fascinated that only children are so common in Italy, what with it being the heart and soul of Catholicism! What are the reasons for this having become the case?

Don't feel sorry for me thanks. I love it. I used to work during holidays when I was old enough (unpaid from around 12-just for fun I hasten to add). I did grow up in an apartment which meant there were always loads of kids around and I'm still friends with one of them (almost 30 years later). I never feel lonely. I've just spent a whole week alone (except for going to the shops and seeing some friends last night) just chilling and have loved it.

My husband is middle of three and hates it. Says he'd rather have one than three and probably wouldn't be too fussed about having two. My mum was an only child and I may we only have one. So, that's three generations of onesies.

I do agree that being an only when your parents are old is harder perhaps. I live miles away from them and worry. But I'd still be living here if I had siblings-only then I'd probably be accused of shirking my responsibility. I love my parents. I adore them and they adore me. I'm glad my husband is very supportive and for reasons I won't go into understands the only child "issues" like why if we spend Christmas with any family my parents have to be there.

Anyway, I can go on and on but please, don't feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for people with siblings - I don't want siblings (never did) but I don't pity you for yours. We're just different people with different experiences.

Excellent post Milk

So, I repeat Shake. How do you decide which parents-of-onlies you feel sorry for, and which you think are selfish?

Do you get them all to do a questionnaire upon meeting them?

You must, I think, have "selfish" as your default judgement, no? Until they tell you about that hysterectomy due to cancer, or that genetic disease, or that stillbirth?

And perhaps my late grandparents should apologise for giving my mother three siblings who all have/had alcohol problems,and other issues who cost her incredible amount of stress,time and money. Her life would have been much simpler,and less stressful without them.

And she received no support from them while looking after her terminally ill mother.

Excellent, now I have something new to feel guilty about.

I didn't like being an only child and longed for a brother or sister but everyone's experience is different. I said I wouldn't have an only child if I could help it.

Jessie- because Italians only have sex once.

I think it is mainly economic. If you can't afford them, you don't have them. It is as simple as that. Childcare (certainly up to the age of 3) is hit and miss depending on the area you live in. Grandparents are still the fallback option for that. Also, the economic situation (40% of all people under the age of 25 are unemployed at the moment) means that couples get married later (and it's still the case that fewer people have children "out of wedlock") I was not considered anything out of the ordinary to be pregnant with my first at almost 38.

Btw I don't really believe that my grandparents have anything to apologise for. Or that having several children is anymore wrong or selfish than having one. I'm just trying to make the point that you have no idea how a having a sibling will affect them. It could be a positive relationship or negative.

Jessie only children are more common where I'm from too. It's a financial/quality of life thing for Italy and where I'm from. Both parents have to work, life is expensive, parents have one so that they can offer that one child more time and opportunities. There's minimal social support so parents don't get much additional financial support etc. Plus, women are settling down much later in life so have less biological time to have children.

I only have one ds, and as he is getting older I do feel sorry for him, he is lonely a lot of the time in the holidays, all his friends are away right now and I wish my life had panned out differently and I could have given him a sibling. I even looked into adopting another child of a similar age when Ds was 6 or 7.

I think people who see having only one child as cruel or whatever lose sight of the fact there will be some only children who loved it, some who hated and there will be some with siblings who loved it and some who hated it. And people like to find things to make people feel guilty about so that has a big role in threads like the other one.

Jessie

No child related tax credits.

No child benefit.

No compareable welfare state.

No job security.

Everything (excpet perhaps tomatoes) costs more (I go into a whirling delight of shopping back home)

Women more often than not have to go back to work after children, and nonni have to form the childcare, so would be unfair to overload them with several kids to care for.

If it all goes bent by and large it will be your family bailing you out, so the fewer kids there are,mthe less of a burden will be placed on your parents to proivde until things get sorted out.

Cobbled streets are a bastard to wheel a pushchair down.

No general availability of mother and baby style stuff. Hard to retrofit it into really old places. Hard to make a profit from it when nonni generally have the tinies and don't want to go to it.

School here being what it is you often have to pay for outside tutition if you kid struggles in a subject or two. It adds up.

School wants to send lots of supplies, including soap and loo roll. It adds up.

You pay for school books from Y6 onwards. Can be as much as 300 euros per kid per year.

School hours are all over the place. Your ele. kid might need picking up at lunchtime twice a week and at four three days a week, while your middle school kid needs to be sorted out at 1.47pm everyday. Your high school kid need a ride to the busstop at Disgustingly Early o'clock even on a Saturday, and not be back till after lunch. Makes it harder to co-ordinate with several at different stages.

Few freebie/low cost hobby/activity/sport options, so can cost a fortune if your kid like two things. Multiplying that per child can be a wallet hammer.

Basically... kids are really expensive in the good times, but in the main the smaller family is about the necessity of planning your family around providing the basics for them in the worst of times, becuase there is no secure safety net.

Is it seen as a negative? I wasn't really aware of that but I don't have any myself so that may be why I haven't heard the silly comments! In my experience onlys tend to be rather better adjusted adults than those with lots of siblings. No sibling bullying, no favouritism, no playing one off against the other ... and so on.

There's pros and cons to any family dynamic. Tell people to bugger off.

DrankSangria - No not at all, in fact, I'd always assume there were 'reasons' why a child was an only, ( I've already said what those reasons are but I'll say it again ) Medical, Financial, 'LIfe' - I would only think 'selfish' if none of those reasons applied. But hey, as long as a child is wanted & loved it doesn't matter whether you have one or 10. I'd far rather have been an only with attentive loving parents than one of four & feel neglected.
But, in an ideal world, it's lovely having a happy home with 2 or 3 kids.

All of the only children I know have chosen to have more than one child themselves - either 2, 3 or 4. The ones I've spoken to about it were very clear that there was something about being an only in their childhood or now adulthood that they didn't want to replicate and were always very clear that they wanted more than one.

Does anybody know an only who has chosen to have an only? In my own experience (and yes i know that anecdote and data are not the same thing!) this hasn't happened which suggests being an only is maybe not something anyone with experience of that would choose.

I don't know anyone with siblings who has chosen to have an only either - some have ended up that way through circumstance but it wasn't their plan, which suggests most with siblings on balance think having a sibling is better than not.

But, in an ideal world, it's lovely having a happy home with 2 or 3 kids

What you have done is percieve an "ideal world" as one that is based on your own preferences.

There is no such thing as an ideal world that suits all of the people, all of the time. So basically, you are saying that people who are not your clone, are selfish.

Which is a tad self centered, "I am the centre of the universe" of you.

I can't help feel it's more the natural state for folk to have more then one child. Nothing wrong with being an only though some have said they wish they weren't - otoh others lived it. True, siblings don't always get on and can cause grief for each other. I wouldn't have wanted an only - it was always at least two in my mind.

I have siblings and my friend is an only - our mothers died round the same time. Me and my siblings were all there for her and each other. My friend was on her own (her father was already dead and her husband had to look after their young children). She feels very alone now - has no other family of her own. But, as said - siblings aren't always a blessing.

Shake in my ideal world a house of 2 or 3 kids sounds like hell. Each to their own.

Everton I'm an only of an only and am planning to have an only. I know others in a similar situation. None English. Maybe the way only children are perceived puts people off more than anything. I get fed up of feeling as though I have to defend myself and my parents' choice. It was a choice by the way (shake I guess that makes them selfish).

I have one child and don't plan to have more. I can't cope mentally and physically with another child, though I would love to have more.

I worry that my LO will miss having siblings and won't have the support network that I get from my siblings (we are very close and supportive of each other). Overtime, I've personally lost plenty of friends, and realised you loose friends but not family. I do worry that she will be lonely and may need support and not get it, and I do feel guilty about it.

I also worry that when we leave the world, there won't be siblings to comfort her.

IMO most onlies who grow up saying they want more than one cause they were lonely have an idealised vision of what having a sibling is like. My brother and I have ZERO interests in common and it's always been like that. My poor parents spent years trying to be fair and give us turns doing the things we liked because we honestly never ever enjoyed the same things. The same applies now so we really only see each other at Christmas, family birthday lunches and weddings/christenings/ funerals.