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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what the issue is with having only one child?

144 replies

shareacokewithnoone · 27/07/2014 09:04

I'm genuinely surprised some people seem to see it as something really awful.

To me, it's just a different family. Two is my ideal but if I was backed into a corner I'd rather have one than three (for example.)

Those who see it as something bad - why? I mean this very genuinely.

OP posts:
muffliato · 27/07/2014 09:37

I am an only child, and hated it. My mum died when I was young and my dad when I was 18.
It would have been extremely helpful to have someone going through what I was at the time.
Also I was terribly lonely and can remember being very jealous of my friends and cousins who had siblings.

For me two children completed my family. That's how I feel. But I would never tell someone with only one or more than two that it's awful, as its their choice.

numptieseverywhere · 27/07/2014 09:38

truly, it's only on Mumsnet that I've encountered happy posts from onlys. In real life I know many people, several onlys, and they all feel sad about it. Obviously nothing they can do about it, but it doesn't stop them feeling that way.

magpiegin · 27/07/2014 09:38

My husband is an only child. This meant he had a better education as his parents could afford a very good school but the thing he mentions most when asked about being an only child is loneliness in the school holidays as he couldn't have friends round every day. He also felt he missed out on holiday when they went away as slightly older children would do stuff with siblings and he'd have to do things

magpiegin · 27/07/2014 09:41

... With his parents all the time.

shareacokewithnoone · 27/07/2014 09:41

It's pertinent to that particular poster Sir so it would have been unfair of me to explain but I crossed a line in my response and apologise for that. I certainly shouldn't have sworn: there was no need for that.

I apologise unreservedly, and I do mean that.

So, back to thread Flowers

I know a few onlys who are fine with it. Perhaps my perception is skewed as I have a sibling but a very difficult one. I can see that if you have a sibling who is also a friend it must be lovely.

OP posts:
DrankSangriaInThePark · 27/07/2014 09:43

But why couldn't he have friends round every day, magpie?

Surely that's what parents of onlies do, make sure that their children have all the friendship contact they want/need?

I think though, that, let's say, an 11 yr old with a 3 yr old sibling, who didn't have friends round in the school holidays would feel just as miffed.

Actually, that's something I notice a lot. Parents of more-than-one seem to automatically have the older one act as Butlins Redcoat for the younger one, and insist they are involved in everything the older one does. That's just a recipe for resentment.

shakethetree · 27/07/2014 09:45

I'd never have just one - I'd feel too sorry for the child growing up lonely.
Obviously if medical reasons kick in and you can't have a second, then that's different, but to purposely have just one is a bit selfish IMO.

Mammuzza · 27/07/2014 09:46

is even more lonely now that their parents are getting old and needing help.

I took care of MIL for years. Met an awful lot of people also careing for elderly/ill/frail parents.

Number one most often repeated complaint -->

ONE sibling does all or most of the heavey lifting.

It is far from uncommon for the ones who don't do their bit to have a nasty tendency to exercise their right of inclusion in the decision making process with rather too much wieght given to what is in their own best interests, rather than taking into account purely what is their parent's best interest. All to often there is too little willingness to bear in mind the reality the carer sibling is being left to deal with when sib. group decisions are being made.

The single sibling left at the sharp end tends to be female.

I have seen so many sib groups that rubbed along just fine until a parent became ill, or frail. And then it all went to ratshit, with frictions and fractures that remain unhealed long after the ill/frail parent's death.

And that's before any will wrangling starts.

That's not to say that having more than one child is wrong, or a less good choice.

More a case that it is impossible to predict what the future holds, and how future adults will act and interact in the longer term when stressors come into play.

Therefore the only good reason for having 1, 2, 3, or 4 etc. children, is becuase you want that number and you have the resources, economic, energy, metal, emotional to give all those children what they need.

What they will/won't be or do for each other as adults requires that most elusive of items ... a working crystal ball.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 27/07/2014 09:46

Why was your fuckoff tone pertinent to SparklingBrooke? She/he didn't say anything to warrant your sniping.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 27/07/2014 09:48

And here's shakethetree with her usual empathetic warm and fuzzy view of mankind.

shareacokewithnoone · 27/07/2014 09:49

It's those sort of responses from shake I just don't get I think - they just baffle me (in a nice sense!)

I suppose if you do have a sister, in particular, but sometimes a brother too can substitute as a friend.

For me, I was more lonely with a sibling as my brother put other kids off, meaning I was stuck with him! I was lonely a lot as a child, as my parents liked to go to France and rent huge chateau style properties for the full six weeks which in hindsight were beautiful and majestic and breathtaking but at the time I found so boring Grin

Perhaps it's all just dependent on your own personal situation so how you seem others? I would worry having two would be selfish due to the impact on finances and so on.

OP posts:
shareacokewithnoone · 27/07/2014 09:50

Drank, I've apologised for that and it wouldn't be right to explain further.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 27/07/2014 09:50

I worry about only children having to make difficult decisions about elderly parents without proper support, I've seen how difficult it is even when the situation can be discussed between siblings, and how hard it is for am only to carry all the responsibility on their shoulders.

SirChenjin · 27/07/2014 09:50

OK, back to the thread....

The thing I've noticed throughout my parenting years is that parents with 'onlies' seem to work much harder to ensure that their child has friends round more regularly (mine certainly don't act as Redcoats to each other - as if I could make them! - but having other children around constantly means that there is company generally to do the kind of things that appeal more to children and less to adults), they have to make a conscious effort not to put all of their hopes, ambitions and expectations onto the shoulders of one small person, and they have to make sure that the 'pfb' thing that we all do doesn't continue throughout the entire childhood of their 'only'.

mydoorisalwaysopen · 27/07/2014 09:50

I find my friends who have only one child to be horribly judgemental of those with more than one and go on about how well behaved theirs are (no sibling rivalry), how their kids are given no regard in holiday or other choices as they just get on with what the adults want (whereas I choose holidays on the basis of something for everyone and happy kids paramount to general holiday enjoyment!).

DrankSangriaInThePark · 27/07/2014 09:50

shake- how can you know which parent-of-only is being selfish and which has a medical condition, or perchance, a dead child?

Should they be made to wear a special badge, to make your judging easier?

MilkandCereal · 27/07/2014 09:51

Don't dare feel sorry for me,ShakeTheTree. I grew up an only and loved it,and I still do. A sibling is no guarantee of happiness. They could be your child's worst enemy,or best friend,or anything inbetween. There are no guarantees.

riverboat1 · 27/07/2014 09:53

I think the majority of people I know would have wanted at least 2 children definitely, they wouldn't have considered stopping at one because it's not creating the 'full family' experience with brothers and sisters, etc.

However, I can think of a few friends who have had one and are very happy to stop there. The reasons seem to vary however - some are due to horrific experiences with birth and labour that they don't want to repeat, others it's financial, others are just content with one and feel their family is already complete.

I'm an only child, and I was really happy to be one when I was a kid - I had no problem with me-time and didn't like the idea of sharing my space and life with a sibling. None of my friends seemed to get on with their siblings. However, as an adult I do often wish I had a brother or sister - people now have great relationships with their brothers and sisters as adults, they have nephews and nieces, they have a wider family network, celebrations (birthdays, Christmases etc) are bigger and more fun, and as parents get older you have someone to share the load with.

MilkandCereal · 27/07/2014 09:54

As for care,Mammuzza is right. It does often seem to be the case that one sibling,usually female or eldest,ends up doing most of the care. That's certainly true of my morher's friends who are that stage of life.

I'm sure there are plenty of siblings who all assist with care,but it's just as likely that it won't happen.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 27/07/2014 09:56

I do think it is a peculiarly British thing though. But more to do with judging others for anything and everything that is not what you yourself have chosen to do.

We judge on names, clothes, brand of pushchair, laminate flooring, headbands on baldy babies, choice of feeding, you name it, the Brits will judge it. (If MN is anything to go by)

Strangely, in Italy, for example, where there are more one child families than anywhere else in Europe, no-one bats an eyelid. I guess because it's considered the norm, rather than something freaky not to have 7 kids under the age of 10 hanging onto your (resolutely designer label and garishly coloured) pushchair.

magpiegin · 27/07/2014 09:57

Drank- he couldn't because he was a day boarder at school and none of his friends lived local enough (his best friend went home to Hong Kong every holiday). He is aware he was lucky to be able to go to the school he did but did feel lonely at times.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 27/07/2014 09:58

Definitely true wrt care of the elderly. My SIL has 2 sibs and says that since their mother became infirm, her sister pops over once a month, it's as if she no longer has a brother, and she, despite having 3 children and working full-time, does everything.

shareacokewithnoone · 27/07/2014 09:58

Yes, I'm nodding along with Mammuzza too.

I don't understand the family experience thing - it isn't a day at Alton towers that won't be complete if you don't go on the nemesis Grin

Your family are the people related to you who love you - I think it's a pity people still think it's the media ideal of mum, dad, brother and sister. Cliche but families come in shapes and sizes. I know a single mum with one daughter, and that child is loved and adored - they are everything to each other and a very happy family indeed.

I find it strange (in a pondering way, not a nasty way) that anyone would pity them, I suppose.

OP posts:
thornrose · 27/07/2014 10:01

There are reasons other than medical that mean you only have one child! How about just life and shit happening.

I split up with my partner and didn't meet anyone else so I only have one child. I didn't purposely set out to have only one.

Should I have tried harder to meet a man just to have another child? Or used a sperm donor?

shakethetree · 27/07/2014 10:10

There are all sorts of reasons why people have just one - medical, financial, life circumstances ( divorce/separation ) I would never judge on that - but if you're happily settled with your partner & have no financial or health worries, having just one child is selfish - I'm sorry but that's just how I feel.