To ask what the issue is with having only one child?

[shareacokewithnoone]

I'm genuinely surprised some people seem to see it as something really awful.

To me, it's just a different family. Two is my ideal but if I was backed into a corner I'd rather have one than three (for example.)

Those who see it as something bad - why? I mean this very genuinely.

My cousin is an only,and lved it. She has a 4 year old,and doesn't want another.

I don't have any yet,but I'd be happy to have just one. If I do have more it'll be because I want another,not because I think they need a sibling.

My db is 4 years younger than me and he has Aspergers. As a child growing up I spent a lot lf time on my, I actually don't recall many times at all that I played with my younger db.

There is also a massive age gap between my cousins and they are just worlds apart. They're barely even acquaintances.

But I know my parents didn't have him to keep me company/playmate/companion.

They had him because they wanted more children.

Any argument for having more than one child so the job of looking after elderly parents can be split (it doesn't work out that way, my parents look after both sets of elderly parents and they both have siblings).

Anyway what if a sibling decides to move away? It would all come down to one anyway.

I know many people with siblings and they couldn't be closer. On the flip many couldn't hate each other more.

I know many happy and many unhappy only children, but after talking to them that stems from how their own parents dealt with them. The happy ones had lots of hobbies, parents always welcomed their friends, went on holidays that met everyone's needs. The lonely ones didn't have that.

What I'm trying to say (I think) is that whether or not it's by choice to have one child or 25, it should always be because you want that child in it's right. Not as a playmate etc because you don't know how thing will ever turn out. You could guess sure, but there is never any certainty. That is selfish.

I can't help feel it's more the natural state for folk to have more then one child.

The natural state is for women to begin reproducing as soon as they are sexually active and spend much of their life pregant.... until they drop dead from it, or sustain such damage rendering sexual activity unlikely/unthinkable, can no longer conceive.

One of the biggest gains of feminism has been our liberation from the "natural state" when it come to fertility.

So.... sod the natural state, and yay for women having the number of children they want.

Shine smile. You can,and sometimes do lose family. I know of several who don't talk to their siblings,and met an old friend the other day,who is completely estranged from her 4 siblings. Not one of them talks to the others.

To be honest we just didn't want another one. We felt complete when our DS arrived and although we did plan to have more before we got pregnant it just didn't turn out that way.

I do feel in some ways it is an English thing, I have friends who have had a second child because - well you do dont you? That being said I also have many friends with three or more kids, they love having a large family but it just isn't for me.

Speaking as an only child, I did feel quite lonely growing up. I think that was partly due to where we lived more than anything else - we didn't live near any other children my age who I could play with so I do think having a sibling would have helped. I am also conscious of the fact that when my parents get older everything will fall to me because there is nobody else. It seems silly to be worried about that now when they are both still fit and healthy but the worry is there.

This isn't a very PC thing to say and I probably will get a bashing for it, but if I have the choice then I don't think I'll choose to have just one child.

Why would you be bashed for that,IamOlder? The number of children you have is your choice. I don't care if you want 1 or 10. What does bother me is the usual only child stereotypes,and people pitying only children when there's no need

Sparks - I know a little of that defending choices but from the opposite perspective. I've just had DC3. We already had a boy and a girl. So DC3 wasn't about trying for the opposite gender which seems to be the only acceptable reason for having a 3rd, so far as parents of 2 are concerned. Plenty of people with 2 have told me I'm mad and specifically said "but you already have a boy and girl". But DH and I (both one of 2 with amicable but not close relationship with our siblings) always wanted 3. We nearly didn't for logistical reasons, and because we doubted ourselves for a while, but now we have him it actually feels very right.

So basically, I now better understand what parents of onlies deal with in terms of judgment of their situation, and also knowing what is right for them. If you're lucky enough to have the choice, having the number of children you want, no more or less, is a great thing. But if it's not 2, then you're just a bit weird :)

Maybe the onlies I know with more than one are doing no more than having the number of DC that feels right for them, and given the 'normal' number is 2, are not reacting to their childhood per se, just making a decision that is more common than that of their parents, but because they haven't experienced siblings it feels more like a reaction to their childhood rather than just making a different choice to their parents.

I know people with siblings who've had just one child by choice. Both were from large families.

I'm one of 4, we were all really close together in age, my mum had 4 children in 4.5 years.

I think we all suffered from a lack of parental attention. The older ones (me in particular) were expected to be independent very early on. I think my mum just gave up when my little brother was born, he pretty much brought himself up.

We fought a lot, especially me and my 2 sisters, not physically but we could be so nasty and underhand with each other.

I've got to say I think parents with more than one child expect them to be friends and company for each other especially if they're close in age, and often don't make as much effort to encourage them to play with other children. They can be a bit insular maybe. They also tend to see their children as one homogenous mass "the kids" - as it becomes more difficult to cater for individuality the more children you have. I even see this is my own family since DC2 came along.

I also think that parental attention is important even as children get older, even into adulthood to some extent. And now that a lot of women work, and children spend longer hours outside the home in childcare or with relatives, it's difficult to provide that attention if you have lots of children.

I would love to have more children but I'm 41 and it's looking increasingly likely that dd will be an only child

I worry that she will be lonely/spoiled/selfish and other stereotypes of only children, and that she is missing out by not having siblings.

Then I give myself a mental slap and remind myself that I was abused by one brother and have no adult relationship with the other, despite being close when we were little. Neither brother helped care for my dad when he got alzheimers. They will not help mum either, I will be doing all of it.

Also, dad was one of 13 but hadn't seen most of his family for more than 20 years. His siblings all live in the same town but most are not on speaking terms with each other.

Meanwhile, my MIL and FIL are both only children and are kind and sociable people with many friends and a happy life.

I reckon a lot of only children have quite an idealistic view of what it is like to have siblings because they didn't have any to experience.

When my Dad was in hospital and very weak and only days away from passing away he insisted that he did not have any further intervention and that he be allowed to die more quickly. I would not have had the strength to stand up to the nurse who was kindly saying "you don't mean that, yada, yada, yada" and say, actually I believe he does mean it, had my sister (with all our shared history and knowledge of our family and my Dad's wishes) not been there holding my hand.

I reckon a lot of only children have quite an idealistic view of what it is like to have siblings because they didn't have any to experience.

Likewise, a lot of people with siblings have an idealistic view of what it's like being an only child.

Some of my friends with siblings certainly do.

I have an only. He has a very varied full activity list and is never lonely

I had 3 sisters, a year between each of us. I never felt so lonely as I did in my child hood, even now my relationship is strained and I'm no contact with one of them.I adore my nieces and nephews though

I'm expecting dc number two now and while we are surprised but delighted, there will be a nine year gap between them. I worry that it will hinder the relationship as they grow up. I don't think you can win either way.

I'm an only child that never wanted siblings, and my son is an only who absolutely does not want siblings. Anyone who thinks being an only is in sub par is bonkers IMO.

My dad was an only, and had an only (me)

My mum was the middle of three and had a tough time being the middle child growing up - I think that informed her decision to have only one child herself.

I had the delightful pleasure of being a younger sibling to a golden child, and spent my entire childhood having to live up to the expectations of an older child.

I needed to get the same exam results, take the same subjects, was measured on everything - sense of humour, interests, and rarely won any arguments.

A typical argument would be:

X has got my comic - well they aren't going to read the print off it, are they? Stop making a fuss.
Wally has got my comic - you are just taking it to be spiteful, you aren't interested in it at all, give it back you nasty girl.

And so on....my sibling was the favourite without doubt. Without doubt because I was told this on many occasions.

I never got to choose the holiday destination or activity. So that statement further upthread is utter bullcrap. My DS is central to the decision on where we go and what we do. We are a team of three and very close. He is in no way a spoiled child, I think that has more to do with the parents and situations than those who make a conscious decision to have one child and stick to it.

Calling people selfish for choosing to have one child is disgusting, in RL I don't hear any parents of single children slating bigger families for unsustainable overpopulation....so why does my son deserve the pathetic head tilt of pity?

What I find confusing is the idea that it is a terrible thing to have a subsequent child in order to give your PFB a sibling. Whereas its considered acceptable to have another child to "give" yourself another child. The whole business of having children is a bit selfish. So why is not ok to want your PFB to have a sibling?
There are no guarantees. There are no perfect ways of doing thing for everyone. We can only try to do what's right for our families.

It's fine to want to give your PFB a sibling so long as you/the parents .also want that child. Nothing wrong with that.

littlemslazybones that is a very poignant post. Likewise, I simply can't imagine how it would have felt when my Mum died last June not to have had my brother there holding one of her hands while I held the other.

Wally

What I do object to is society reinforcing stereotypes of only children being selfish,spoiled and lonely,and guilt tripping parents into having another when they'd be happier to stop at one because they're told that only children will have lonely,miserable lives.

I have two with a large gap - happy with my choice

I can honestly see the advantages to sticking at one from a practical sense.

Brining a life into the world is truely deeply personal an it is different for everyone

I love the idea of having big family (never gonna happen) but I think I wouldn't actually like hte reality of it - My parenting cloth is cut to two DC and thats it!

ds is an only child. My Mother was also an only child. It was funny, sometimes, seeing her try to figure out what the hell was going on between my and my sister.

She really didn't get the complications of a sibling relationship but worked out that if she intervened and appeared to be unfair to one side we would both gang up against her - it was only when I was an adult I discovered it was a deliberate tactic to stop the endless bickering!

I love my sister dearly as an adult and that relationship is very precious to me. I hope ds might have something similar with his cousin, only two years younger and also an only.

As for being lonely as a child, yes, I can see that might happen, but we live in a street where kids play out, ds goes to after school club, and my niece is often round, so he gets plenty of chances to play. When I worked largely from home I had children round to play at least three times a week.

When we go on hols, we usually take my niece. Most recent hol she couldn't come, and I did notice the difference, as ds didn't make any friends with the other kids in our hotel - they all had their own siblings to play with. In future I think I'll look for holidays with activities that ds can join in.

I also have a half-sister who we used to be very close to, but an awful family row means we don't talk any more. Very sad but shows that just because you are related doesn't mean you will get on.

Dh has also spent most of his adult life not having much to do with his sister - no real reason, they are just very different people with very different interests. What's lovely is that as his mother got increasingly infirm, needing more and more care, dh and his sister have worked together really well and become much closer. It's a sad situation but lovely that it's bought them closer when I know it drives so many siblings apart.

Also, it really doesn't take long when we get ds and my niece together for them to turn into bickering siblings. I think (hope) this is quite good for them...