To think a whole class except 3 party sends a very pointed message.....

[starterforeight]

I'm trying to get my head round this as it is affecting the way I see someone I know well.

I'd rather not say which part I am currently playing in all of this so as to get a truly non biased opinion.

The children concerned are more than old enough to notice who is and isn't invited to a party and much discussion takes place about who's going, what they're going to wear, what they're going to do.

Put it this way, as an adult, would you invite 20 out of a workplace team of 23 to a social occasion? Or would you exclude three mothers of children in your year from a mum's night out? Or 20 of the 23 students on your university course?

I don't understand why some people think the same basic rules of courtesy and compassion needn't be extend to children.

Frank- the op hasn't said that all those invited did have parties though

Sorry do t know why my ipad was only showing a few of the posts. Ignore my last.

Oh God, I hate, hate, hate organising parties for fear of offending someone. In my scenario it seems impossible not to offend someone:

Eldest is in a class of approx 25 with about 10 girls (I can't be doing with working out the maths at the moment, and they split year groups and I forget what the actual numbers are for the year group). This year she wanted a sleepover. She has nothing against any of the girls in her class, but didn't want to invite them all (and neither would I let her - it would have been too many). Compounded that her BF is a boy, and her party fell in school holidays meaning not everyone she invited could make it. She invited 6, 4 can come, which personally I think is perfect. However, in the last 2 weeks of school, she had 2 girls in her year either get upset with her or tell the other girls (who were invited) not to be friends with her because they weren't invited. Horrible.

It seems whole class parties are the only way to keep everyone happy, especially in a small school. I'm not willing to fund that every year.

Oh, and my other complication is unreliable children who don't always hand out invitations to the people they should. Awful.

And then I experienced it again organising a party for my H's birthday - not inviting people I would have as he doesn't know them. Awkward.

Best not to have any parties at all TBH...

Oh ffs. Its tough but its life. There is no law to say that every child in the class has to be invited, get over it.

No there is no law. But there is this thing called 'not behaving like a dick'.

Re-reading all the OP's posts, I don't think the OP knows the reason for the exclusion, because the party host doesn't have any particular reason for excluding the 3.

I'm completely convinced now that OP is party organiser's friend and thinks party organiser is out of order for not inviting the 3. And party organiser has the view that her kid should be able to invite/not invite whoever she wants. OP has probably said, 'not inviting them will send a message' and party organiser has said 'oh no it won't' ('oh yes it will!', 'oh no it won't'). Also I bet the party organiser has excused it by saying 'they won't realise they're the only ones not invited, not everyone who's invited will come anyway, so what's the difference?' and OP disagrees, saying that kids are old enough to discuss stuff amongst themselves.

Thus OP started thread to prove to herself and/or friend that leaving out a few children, even if there is no particular reason for it, no fights, no racism, no falling out, no disabilities, no bullying, no dislike of parents, no class/money issues, no reciprocal party shit....even when there's no particular reason, leaving out just a few kids when rest of class is invited, sends a message.

On that point, I suppose I agree it does send a message, but how the excluded kids and their parents interpret that message is up for some discussion.

And as we've seen with a lot of responses, it can be quite hurtful to be on the receiving end of this type of thing, assuming the 3 are aware that they are the only 3 who weren't invited.

Now for fuck's sake OP, just come back and tell me I'm right about this so I can disappear from MN for several months again!

So people will realise they are not invited. It happens. I really can't be doing with the view that says every child must invite every other child to their party.
They'll get over it if the parents stop harping on about it and trying to find reasons where there possibly aren't any!

It's not every child must get an invite though. It's just 3 left out out of 25. Fair enough if it was a party of 10 or just the girls/boys but it isn't.

The answer is that all but 3 children in that year are aliens in disguise. The 3 uninvited children are human, the others aren't. Be thankful if your child is one of those not invited - alien food is vile, alien party food especially so.

I am on the other side... DD has SN and begins Y4 after hols. In her entire school career, she has been invited to precisely one party.

I have more important things to get upset about.

Your not in Essex are you OP?

Recently someone I know had 7 out of 13 boys over for tea and one of the parents of a child who wasn't invited hasn't stopped complaining since. The irony is that she never invites that many children over to her place.

To those who think excluding a child is ok because they'll get over it, can I just say that's a fallacy used to excuse bullying behaviour. I have AS. I wasn't invited to a single party at school. It hurt me then and when I think about it now, 30 years later, it still hurts.

Wow. There are some really nasty mums on here who would happily exclude just a couple of young children with no consideration of the impact it would have on those kids emotionally.

I have a word for people like that ... Unfortunately my son knows that word to. And yes he has had to 'get over it' but it doesn't make it easy when you're 8 and not invited but get told all about.

Wow. There are some really nasty mums on here who would happily exclude just a couple of young children with no consideration of the impact it would have on those kids emotionally

Erm, people have said they wouldn't invite children who are bullying their child. Where's the consideration for the birthday child terrified of another kid?

I hate this kind of thing.

Even as an adult, I wouldn't do it. I'm having a third child and there is a lunch being organised, I am told. I have said (when asked) that I want all the floor to come, rather than exclude one or two I don't like that much. Just good manners.

As a parent I'd make sure my kids did the same. Whatever age you are, being left out as a child really hurts.

And some of us have merely tried to point out that a mistake could have been made or that they are merely paranoid there's a reason when there isn't.

Plenty of those on wedding invite threads too who can't see past cost or space and think their entire family and hamster should be invited and it was all to make them upset/annoyed.

These are kids, hardly difficult to realise that names could easily have been missed off or a busy parent over looked one or two by accident as they were new etc

But everyone just wants to be professionally offended and assume it's a message.

Dsd has ld. She was invited to only one party this year and unfortunately left the invite in her tray until a week after the event :(
I understand why she isn't invited in that she is more difficult than other children but I think it's very lucky that she doesn't really notice. The girl she considers her best friend had a party and kept going on about it for ages before and dsd was talking about it for months but the school year has ended and she never got invited (cleared out her tray at the end as well so would have known). luckily it seems to have slipped her mind.
She's moving to sen school in September so we won't have this problem.

But if the kids were bullies who were left out then good, I wouldn't force my child to invite a child they were scared of, and I wouldn't want to be in a position where I had to find a way to deal with any bullying occurring at the party and then have parents complaining...

But if not then I think it's sad, especially if it's the bullied/ not cool/ different kids who are left out :(

I'm asking "AIBU to think a whole class party bar 3 sends a very pointed message ?"

Answer: YES

quiet in that case then yes, shame-faced twattery.

To those who say it doesn't matter - lots of people have said why it could matter. Small parties - fine. Excluding just a couple of children - no. If the soft play or whatever will only take 20, and there are 24 in the class, just invite half the class and make up the numbers with home friends and family, or do a smaller different party.

Yabu.

No pointed message sent. Birthday child just does not want these three children at their party, for whatever reason.

Unless you are the mum of the birthday child, I dont think there is any way you can know for sure there have been no bullying or no fall out.

Clearly The Three have done something wrong in the eyes of the party mother because only someone really nasty would invite all but three of the class to a party.