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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a whole class except 3 party sends a very pointed message.....

521 replies

starterforeight · 24/07/2014 10:52

I'm trying to get my head round this as it is affecting the way I see someone I know well.

I'd rather not say which part I am currently playing in all of this so as to get a truly non biased opinion.

The children concerned are more than old enough to notice who is and isn't invited to a party and much discussion takes place about who's going, what they're going to wear, what they're going to do.

OP posts:
LiberalLibertines · 27/07/2014 10:25

I agree in theory, in reality your child breaking down in tears at the very thought of the child who's making their life hell being at their party, May make it a harder decision.

NoSquirrels · 27/07/2014 10:28

That's when, LiberalLibertines, you adjust the party accordingly.

Hopefully, you knew about your child's life being made hell before this point, so that you didn't plan a whole class do in the first place.

LiberalLibertines · 27/07/2014 10:38

I've never done a whole class party, only ever says out with one or two friends (which I wholly prefer!) Or around 8 of closest friends party.

combust22 · 27/07/2014 10:39

Mary have your children ever been bullied? I have had no problem excluding bullies from my kid's party. They get what they deserve.

QuintessentiallyQS · 27/07/2014 11:09

How do you know that excluding a bully does not work though?

Did you try and find it made the problems worse? Or is your child accused of bullying and their behaviour worsened as a result of the lacking party invite?

In either case, the child hopefully got a good and memorable party!

PhaedraIsMyName · 27/07/2014 11:12

Many of seem to be assuming it's the excluded children who are bullies. It's quite possible it's the birthday child who is the bully. How can you be so sure it's not your child being spiteful or are bullies always someone else's children?

QuintessentiallyQS · 27/07/2014 11:16

Why would any child even want to go to a party held by a child bullying them !

FrontForward · 27/07/2014 11:20

Whether they do or they don't they will feel the exclusion. It's an extension of the bullying excluding behaviour done in school perhaps.

It's not about bullying in this case however. In a case that I was aware of it was the mother who controlled the guest list and it was very much a pointed act to hurt the other parent. The child's hurt was just collateral damage.

PhaedraIsMyName · 27/07/2014 11:26

why would any child even want to go to a party held by a child bullying them

That doesn't answer my question. And yes if the bullying has consisted of being excluded I can well understand an excluded child wanting to go to a whole class party.

OneInEight · 27/07/2014 11:27

combust22 maybe the "bully" thought your children "deserved" whatever slight they inflicted on them. I really don't understand how you can object so much to bullying behaviour when you are doing the same thing - at least they have the excuse they are children.

PhaedraIsMyName · 27/07/2014 11:29

Or actually it answers my question that only other people's children can be bullies.

So let's imagine you're doing the invitations and your child who as far as you are aware is not being bullied tells you he/she wants to exclude 3 out of 23 children. You'd be fine with that? .

JenniferJo · 27/07/2014 11:40

I'd ask why not those three.

QuintessentiallyQS · 27/07/2014 11:41

But why does a bully have the right to attend the party of the child he is bullying? Why does the bully's feelings matter more?

Of course I am not going to insist my child invite his bully?
What if your bullied child really only wants a big class party?

QuintessentiallyQS · 27/07/2014 11:44

"Or actually it answers my question that only other people's children can be bullies."

How does it answer it?

By calling the bullied child a bully for wanting to have a party without bullying?

You should look carefully at your conclusions.

QuintessentiallyQS · 27/07/2014 11:47

"So let's imagine you're doing the invitations and your child who as far as you are aware is not being bullied tells you he/she wants to exclude 3 out of 23 children. You'd be fine with that? ."

I would not allow it. If no bullying I would say all, none or a small select group.

slithytove · 27/07/2014 11:51

What if any child only wants a big class party and you can't afford it?

You deal with it and manage expectations. Same with all requests from your kids I would have thought.

You don't have to make it about the kids they want to exclude.

And I agree, often IMO it is the bullied children being excluded. So why make that worse.

DogCalledRudis · 27/07/2014 11:53

I see a lot of people offended if its their little darling being not invited but i wonder how many are willing to stand on their heads to accommodate some "children from hell" on their DC's birthdays?

PhaedraIsMyName · 27/07/2014 11:54

Quint you seem to be incapable of realising the child telling a parent "I want A to W but not X, Y and Z " is the bully rather than X, Y and Z.

If X, Y and Z are bullied by regularly being left out of things they may well accept an invitation which might mean things are improving.

Picturesinthefirelight · 27/07/2014 11:59

I know exactly why my child was excluded from parties for many years. It was because he was totally obsessed with a subject that didn't necessarily interest the other children but he couldn't pick up on the social cues that tell normal people they are being annoying. He had meltdowns & occasionally hit out when he couldn't cope, especially in busy, noisy environments.

His best friend was also excluded because he was fairly immature in nature, not interested in football, hopeless & sports so didn't join in the playground games Also when in year 2 or 3 was seen picking his nose & a thing started that spread through the school about not touching him. He too would have tantrums.

Both children were desperate to be liked & included.

My ds is now one of the included group as his current obsessions match the interests of the other children but I regularly remind him to still include his still excluded friend as 'remember what it was like when it was you'. This is a gamble as he now risks being ostracised or told he can't be included if he still wants to play with other friend

My daughter was bullied. She has social issues too & was also often excluded which she dealt with by just sitting in a corner if the playground with her best friend reading. Noway were we inviting bullies to her parties so just had small ones with around half a dozen closer friends.

QuintessentiallyQS · 27/07/2014 12:00

And you seem incapable of understanding that i am merely defending the position that a bullied child should not have to invite their bully. Not sure how you can make out that I say otherwise.

QuintessentiallyQS · 27/07/2014 12:01

That was to Phaedra.

Picturesinthefirelight · 27/07/2014 12:01

Goodness knows what you will all make of her best friend (am dreading reading the Child Genius thread tonight but won't be able to help myself)

combust22 · 27/07/2014 12:02

oneineight- rubbish.

I am not going to invite a bully who spits on my son and punches him. It's my son's party. I owe the bully nothing.

PhaedraIsMyName · 27/07/2014 12:13

Quint none of what I was saying here was suggesting the bully should be invited although I did say that several pages back.

You and several others seem however to have difficulty with the notion that the child who wants to exclude others is in fact the bully.

DogCalledRudis · 27/07/2014 12:21

That comes to the "elephant in the room" -- why having a whole class party so important?
About who is bullying who is irrelevant. Some children do dislike each other, or find each other uninteresting. Do you sincerely like everybody you work with?

My DS get invited to quite a few whole class parties. And you know what... Lots of those invited often don't bother turning up -- obviously better things to do.