AIBU not to be offended by being called a 'cool wife'

[PiperRose]

discounting the fact that I am not and in no way a wife AIBU to think that this label, which is so often bandied around here as an insult, isn't that much of an insult.

I have thread the whole thread, however thought you would like to know that the youth of today use cool as an insult. My 9 year old loves to tell me I am cool. It means constipated, outdated, old lady!

Should of said, haven't thread the whole thread....

I am a cool wife. Certainly not a wife that turns up at DH's work night's out as has happened where I work recently. saddos.

'playing the part being no trouble, not asking for any help around the house or with children and not objecting to porn (or anything else you're uncomfortable with). I don't knnow what it means but it smacks of being pretty and letting men be men'

Chanel, how can this be cool in any sense of the phrase? That's being a doormat, a person with no sense of self esteem or value, other than as a person in a relationship. That's a very sad and unhappy game to have to play.

Staryeyed, if we're truly talking about times when the term has been misused, which is possible, then absolutely.

But there is a part of me that says, no matter how unreasonable the worry seems to me, I am not the person or couple involved. So I could never say to anyone "don't feel those feelings that you are feeling", but could advise that they examine where those feelings come from and to discuss them with their dh.

It's impossible to tell the "I'm an obsessive controlling person who wants my dh to think only of me" type, from the "I'm usually completely rational but something's got me worried and it's making me feel very insecure" type.

Ah the perils of offering advice on the internet.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse
Ah the perils of offering advice on the internet

Indeed

I recognised someone on here once from a very particular set of circumstances but she had put a slant on some of the key facts and as such received some advice which was good on the basis of her OP but on the basis of what was actually happening was awful! I tried to ask her to consider things in a slightly different way as I could see how the thread was going, but I was limited in what I could say as I would've outed/compromised both of us if I'd been more specific.

It's impossible to tell the "I'm an obsessive controlling person who wants my dh to think only of me" type, from the "I'm usually completely rational but something's got me worried and it's making me feel very insecure" type.

Hells yes.

It does sometimes emerge on threads as they progress though:

OP: AIBU to be worried? DH has gone to a work party.

MN: Ummm. On the face of it, no. Why are you worried?

OP: Because last time he went out a woman LOOKED at him. And SMILED.

MN: And what did he do?

OP: He looked uncomfortable and moved away! Obivious guilt!

MN:

versus

OP: AIBU to be worried? DH has gone to a work party.

MN: Ummm. On the face of it, no. Why are you worried?

OP: Because he has a history of cheating on me with work colleagues and also of getting really drunk and claiming he wasn't responsible for anything he did whilst drunk and that I need to get off his case.

MN: YAdefNBU. LTB.

Situations/past experiences vary......

Oh God no, I'm not a cool wife; I'm a bit clingy actually. Fortunately DH is a real family man and would much rather be with me and the kids than off abroad to some randomer's wedding with his workmates.

I recently marked his cards about spending too much time on his hobby too. He's seen sense now.

It seems reading these messages that this is one of the things that the two sides will never agree on.

The phrase gets thrown at women who quite clearly see themselves and their partners as individuals who come together in a relationship and understand the importance of mutual respect and trust.

When they explain this then they are told they are either being controlled, in a terrible relationship or aren't being truthful about their feelings.

They can't win.

But would you say mutual trust 100%?

Tinkly I really didn't want to start a bun fight with this but there are some things about your post I really have a hard time understanding.

You're happy to admit you're "a bit clingy"?

"some randomers wedding" - It was a friend.

You made him "see sense"?

I would have a huge problem if I thought somebody else's ENTIRE world revolved around me. That's a huge responsibility.

I suppose it different strokes....

Settingsitting If I didn't have 100% trust in a relationship I wouldn't be in the relationship. I have better things to do than worry about my partners behaviour all of the time.

I think part of the problem is when people ask AIBU?
Then you are being solicited for an opinion, you give it and sometimes that triggers a reaction. Dangers of the net indeed,

I read that thread about the husband being invited to the wedding of a work colleague, without the invitation being extended to his wife (the OP).

I immediately thought "well...the bride knows your dh well, but doesn't know you from Adam...why would she invite you to her wedding?" but already the thread was filling up with bristling women who thought it was terrible.
I thought the non invite was fair dos and no biggy, but didn't comment as I felt I would be shouted down. In the same circumstances, if my dh got a wedding invite from a workmate that didn't extend to me, it wouldn't occur to me to puff my bosom out in outrage. I'd not give it another thought. Whether or not he took it up, would be up to him. I wouldn't mind either way.

Guess I'm a cool wife then. Oh dear.

Oh my god pictish "puff my bosom". That's hilarious.

I have 99% PiperRose. I think that it is healthier that way.

But realistically, a lot of people should have way less than that.

I just tried to puff my bosom in outrage at the dog, he just walked away. Epic bosom fail.

I have a dedicated bosom hoist for such occasions.

I come at this from the perspective of someone who gives their DH a tremendous amount of freedom (for want of a better description) He is a SAHD and I work away, about 40% of the time so have very little clue what he is doing day to day, let alone hour by hour.

So far throughout our fifteen year marriage my DH has treated me with respect and kindness. He enjoys a varied social life and spends time with women I don't know. None of that makes me cool and not would I want to be described as such - the label has all the connotations as set out by hakluyt

Aside from that the term is used to berate (and rightly so) woman who are so busy setting out how great they are that they cannot or won't empathize with a woman who clearly needs support

I clearly need a bosom hoist/puff tutor.

Piper
My post was somewhat tongue in cheek. Yes I am a bit clingy, I am aware of it and try to keep in under control.

The post I was referring to concerned a work colleague's wedding; that would be a randomer then, as far as I am concerned.

The weekend before last DH spent two very long days on his hobby (cycling). This last weekend he worked (self employed so his choice) on Saturday, then spent Sunday cycling until mid afternoon. DC4 who is seven, said he was fed up of not seeing his Dad and I was fed up of basically running the ship on my own for consecutive weekends.

Basically I told DH I'd had enough, I was really pissed off and if he didn't devote a bit more time to the family he'd soon find himself a single parent. DH is a reasonable person, saw sense, apologised profusely and cancelled his cycling arrangements until the end of August. (When we'd all calmed down a bit and renegotiated, he reinstated one day).

It's worked for us for 23 years.

I've seen it thrown about on various threads where the DH has gone out with female friends to the pub/lunch/Christmas party without their DW.

My DH has done all the above, does that make me 'cool'? Or as we are both HCP it's fairly obvious he will have female friends as we work in a female dominated environment.

Hey, if it's worked for you that's great. Congrats on your 23 years!

I've had a partner in the past who had an affair with someone he did a joint project with. I encouraged the joint project as I had nothing to fear (oh the irony).

Fast forward 15 years - she is a jealous controlling woman who doesn't let him socialise with other women unchaperoned especially me (they will accept social invitations and then renege if they find out I'm going) and I believe she limits his blokes social life too but that is only here say whereas I still encourage Partners to carry on with their outside interests, friends and life accepting that I had one bad experience...

I think I'm happier tbh!

YABU. I think the term "cool wife" is thrown about in a snidey way to insult women who have different boundaries to themselves. Whether you're using it to denigrate those who are able to ask for the respect/behaviour that you yourself would secretly like, or towards those who are genuinely comfortable with their partners doing things that would have you filing for divorce...... it ain't a compliment.

I'm a cool common law wife..... as long as he stays out of titty bars and away from his narc. bitch ex. And I'd be right on the case if he ever got mentionitis about a female friend.

Which probably means I'm not a "cool wife". Hey ho.