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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to be offended by being called a 'cool wife'

236 replies

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 23:21

discounting the fact that I am not and in no way a wife AIBU to think that this label, which is so often bandied around here as an insult, isn't that much of an insult.

OP posts:
Pastperfect · 22/07/2014 07:22

Very disingenuous posts if you actually have any understanding of the context in which the term is used on MN threads.

"Cool wife" refers to women who are encouraged/controlled to put up with shit behavior (strip clubs/porn/lack of appropriate contact/courtesy on nights out) from nasty little men who believe they should be able to treat their partners with disrespect and unkindness with the constant threat if said partner complains they'll be labelled as a nag/bore

I have never seen the phrase used of anyone in a mutually respectful relationship

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/07/2014 07:22

I've heard it bandied around on a thread before, can't remember where tbh.

It's a bit daft really, would one actually utter ' you're a cool wife then' as an insult in real life?, it's a bit feeble.

Only on mn Grin

TheLovelyBoots · 22/07/2014 07:23

It's kind of like being a cool mother, I suspect?

TheBogQueen · 22/07/2014 07:30

I like it when some 'kick him to the kerb sista' advice is prefaced with the patronising "Look love" - there's no irony there eh?

rpitchfo · 22/07/2014 07:30

Past perfect - the phrase is used all the time. The thread the op is referring to it was used repeatedly...about a wedding invite.

GretchenWiener · 22/07/2014 07:31

You're not a regular mom

AIBU not to be offended by being called a 'cool wife'
Joysmum · 22/07/2014 07:37

I'd not seen that expression used.

I've been both. I'm not worried now and think it's healthy to be able to do this separately, but I was cheated on by a previous partner and it's taken years to get to where I am now.

Things are how they are. I don't apologise for the early years, I didn't want to feel like that, it wasn't a choice. Acknowledging feelings, accepting them and analysing them led them to change over time.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/07/2014 07:38

A cool mum? Hmm

Christ, the very thought.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 22/07/2014 07:40

Likewise agree with MrsTP on the line!

But likewise had different understanding of Cool wife - I had taken it on that other thread to be a veiled insult that actually the kind of woman who'd let her DH go off to the wedding was the kind of woman who would also happily let him go to strip clubs. Hmm.

PlumpPartridge · 22/07/2014 07:42

I invited DH's ex-wife to my wedding reception. I was also quite happy to let him go off to her wedding reception 3 weeks after our PFB was born and felt sad that I couldn't attend myself (venue far away and unamenable to children).

If that makes me cool then I'm pretty chuffed Grin

Oh and we have a nice respectful relationship where neither of us takes the piss too much, thank you very much pastperfect!

Nicknacky · 22/07/2014 07:48

I was called a cool wife a few weeks ago as I have no problem with my husband who is going to a tacky holiday resort with his friends for a few days.

He is apparently a dirty old man and is going to shag the young things, but presumably if he was going to a better class of resort it would have been fine with the posters that had an issue.

It certainly isn't a controlling relationship, abusive etc. I just treat an adult like an adult.

Hakluyt · 22/07/2014 07:48

The original description of "cool girl" is from a book called Gone Girl
"“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.”

So, not a compliment, no. Unless you are a particular sort of man.

PlumpPartridge · 22/07/2014 08:15

Ok, the original definition isn't great, but maybe it's evolved? I'd like to think that was true.

LittlePeaPod · 22/07/2014 08:30

Really Angry. I thought I was the only Cool Wife about! I don't feel so special now...

Next time DH decides to go and pee, I will be reminding him what a Cool Wife I m for allowing him to have personal space/time! Grin

Callani · 22/07/2014 08:49

I think the term "cool wife" implies that you're only pretending to be ok with certain behaviour because you don't want to be called a nag / controlling / whatever lovely list of names we call women who express their opinions.

Personally I think most women have lovely respectful husbands who make it easy to seem like a "cool wife" because they instinctively wouldn't do anything they know would upset us e.g. going to strip clubs, being overtly flirty with female friends, going out on the piss as a regular occurrence and being pissed out of their head every single time they return. So, for us, you're a cool wife by default because your husband doesn't cross lines and is generally a decent husband.

The problem is when you get non-respectful men whose behaviour crosses lines but their wives are pressured into keeping quiet about it because they want to be a "cool wife". So if Sarah's DH mentions that he's been for coffee with Courtney from work today, she feels she has to grin and pretend everything's ok even though DH ignored Sarah at his work Christmas party to go flirt with the young and very pretty Courtney all night leaving her feeling like a lemon.

Sallystyle · 22/07/2014 08:49

I have only used it when a poster is talking openly about her insecurities, which everyone has, and other posters come on to tell her she is wrong for her feelings.

For example. A poster comes on saying how she is uncomfortable with her husband going to restaurants with a female friend who he also happens to text all the time. A few posters come on saying how it is her problem, she is insecure and a control freak who needs to get a grip.

Yeah, those posters are the 'cool wives' those who can show no understanding that others may not be comfortable with it and think that anyone who has feelings of insecurity or jealousy in their marriage are controlling and pathetic. I wonder who they are trying to convince and what they put up with in the name of trying to be 'cool'. Obviously some are going to be genuinely ok with it, but the ones who can't understand why someone else would not like it do make me wonder.

Summerblaze · 22/07/2014 08:56

Me and DH regularly go out separately. This week alone, i havent seen him for 4 nights as we have been out with friends. We both have hobbies that the other doesnt share or join in with. DH has a couple of female friends that he visits on his own sometimes and sometimes with me. We both go on weekends away and DH is going abroad next year on a stag. I dont mind him going to a strip club. He doesnt actually like them that much and soends most of his time at the bar apparently but i dont care at all.

However with the thread you are referring to, i would be a bit pissed off that i wasnt invited. I dont know why, but i would.

Now im not sure if i am a cool wife or not (sob).

Nicknacky · 22/07/2014 08:59

U2, that is exactly the type of example that us "cool wives" find annoying. I have friends of the opposite sex and I haven't jumped into bed with them so it is entirely reasonable to go for lunch.

And yes, some women may be insecure etc but it doesn't make the rest of us "cool" for not having an issue and it is used as an insult.

AuntieStella · 22/07/2014 09:02

It's OK to be 'cool' about stuff if that's what you feel.

But it is equally OK no to be "cool" and disagree with porn/drugs or whatever else it is that someone else is trying to tell you your being square/controlling and you should lighten up.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 22/07/2014 09:02

my boundaries are that if he does something that makes me uncomfortable he would be told. He doesn't so that's fine, we are in a mutually respectful and trusting relationship. I don't care if he looks at a women and thinks phwaarr I look at men and do the same, we can appreciate other peoples beauty and attractiveness without trying to shag them!

Callani · 22/07/2014 09:05

But Nicknacky the whole point is that women who have worries about their DH going for lunch with other women may have genuine reasons to be concerned.

It's all very well you being happy with how your DH doing the same - I assume it's because your DH treats you well and you've got every reason to trust him. But if you then TELL someone that they're being unreasonable for worrying about something when you don't know the back story or whether her husband is decent or the type of shit who likes to get one over on his wife, that's when the label "cool wife" comes into play because you're encouraging someone to minimise their feelings.

Jollyphonics · 22/07/2014 09:07

Well, if it's essential to define wives as "cool" or "not cool", then I would argue that it isn't anything to do with your personality, but entirely down to the relationship you're in, and the relationships you've been in.

If you've had a partner in the past who went for coffee with a female colleague and then subsequently had an affair with her, then you probably wouldn't be happy about your new partner going for coffee with a female colleague.

Equally if your current partner has had multiple affairs and has a history of staying out all night shagging women then you're unlikely to be calm and relaxed when he stays out all night.

If you are lucky enough to have a truly wonderful monogamous relationship, then you can be chilled out and certain you won't be cheated on. But the same person in a differerent relationship won't be as "cool".

scarletforya · 22/07/2014 09:09

There's a fine line between 'cool' and mug.

Hakluyt · 22/07/2014 09:09

"Ok, the original definition isn't great, but maybe it's evolved? I'd like to think that was true."

If it's evolved, it's only done so because the original definition was too uncomfortable for people to deal with.

Sallystyle · 22/07/2014 09:10

It's not about jumping in bed with them though.

I have male friends and it isn't an issue here either.

However, if I was to go to restaurants with a male friend and text him loads of times every day my husband might start to wonder if something more is going on. He trusts me to go out for coffee with male friends and have no problems with me talking to an ex boyfriend on Facebook, but equally he wouldn't be wrong if he had some insecurities over it either.

Like AuntiStella said. It's fine if you are ok with it, it's the people who come on and berate those who aren't comfortable with something and then tell the OP she is a control freak and needs to buck her ideas up that piss me off.