AIBU not to be offended by being called a 'cool wife'

[PiperRose]

discounting the fact that I am not and in no way a wife AIBU to think that this label, which is so often bandied around here as an insult, isn't that much of an insult.

Thanks OP, it's the first cool clclique I've ever been able to call myself a member of.

'I have never seen the phrase used of anyone in a mutually respectful relationship'

But if it's been thrown around on MN as a general PA attack on posters then you have seen it.
I treat OH with the same respect that he treats me, and our need for ownership and control of another adult is nonexistent.

Callani has my relationship sussed

'Personally I think most women have lovely respectful husbands who make it easy to seem like a "cool wife" because they instinctively wouldn't do anything they know would upset us e.g. going to strip clubs, being overtly flirty with female friends, going out on the piss as a regular occurrence and being pissed out of their head every single time they return. So, for us, you're a cool wife by default because your husband doesn't cross lines and is generally a decent husband.'

But if a woman doesn't have an issue with her husband why does she have to be given any kind of label??

Great post Callani,

'But if a woman doesn't have an issue with her husband why does she have to be given any kind of label??'

How else can you snipe and be dismissive of someone who has a different view of the world? The majority of labels are to de-individualise people.

u2 it makes me sad when I read post from other women doubting that somea lot if us do actually live a life where there is mutual trust and respect. Therefore my DH going out for dinner with a female friend when his working in London doesn't cause me to become insecure. That doesn't mean I don't sympathise with people with insecurities. It's a shame my example on some threads would turn into DH having an affair (emotional or physical ).

I only label those who expect everyone to feel the same as them and berate those who don't and try to convince women to get a grip and hide their feelings because that poster deems their feelings as stupid.

There is that too, Littlepeapod.

People are often too quick to jump to the conclusion that someone is having an affair or abusive.

I don't expect people to think the same as me but I still got call a "cool wife" (quote) when I talked about my h going on holiday!

PastPerfect you're wrong on this. I have seen "cool wife" bandied around on threads like "my husband receives texts from a female work colleague AIBU to be annoyed" - and when people say "well yes YABU if your husband is generally trustworthy. People are allowed to have friends of a different gender". I have seen it used to snipe at people who are obviously secure in their relationships and are bemused at something which seems innocent being blown into illicit shenanigans.

On the strip club thread recently, I was among a number of posters who said "I wouldn't be happy about it but neither would I categorically ban him from going". My own persepctive was I know my husband well enough to know his views on this kind of thing and I'd be amazed if he went but if he was say on a stag do and the choices were sit in a bar on his own in a strange city on a Saturday night or tack along with his mates (probably reluctantly), then I'm not going to demand he wears a hair shirt for eternity. Somehow that makes me a "cool wife" in a derogatory sense.

"But if a woman doesn't have an issue with her husband why does she have to be given any kind of label??"

Absolutely!!!!!!!!!

The whole point of the "cool girl" thing is that it highlights a particular sort of behaviour some woman go in for- being "one of the boys". Not "nagging" or "making demands". And all because they are secretly so terrified of losing him that they daren't say "actually, no, I am not cool with you going to strip clubs" (for example). Another thing "cool girls" do is mock or put down other women who dare to say they aren't cool about this stuff. Pearl clutchers is a term they often use on Mumsnet.

Totally agree with scarletforya.... a very fine line .
I don't trust anyone , male or female ( but I have to admit mainly male ) one hundred percent . Now that might make me cynical but is based on a lot of experience , both my own and the experience of people I know. I know where my boundaries are and am usually open with my DH about them . On the other hand sometimes I am not so open , because it suits me at the time .
Sometimes it is better to see how things play out and other times to come straight out and say what is on your mind.
In other words everyone is different and all relationships are different so the participants should do what they think best .

And before anyone points it out ... no, I am not " cool ".....but then , neither is my DH !

Callani

But Nicknacky the whole point is that women who have worries about their DH going for lunch with other women may have genuine reasons to be concerned

Yes but, I have seen "cool wife" used when the OP has said something as basic as "my husband is going for lunch with a female friend. I'm not happy. AIBU?" and the responses will be "YABU if your husband has never given you reason to be concerned about his behavious".

Totally different kettle of fish if the OP said "My husband had an affair last year. Now he wants to meet the woman for lunch as they are just friends" or "my husband is very flirtatious and touchy feely with other women. I've told him this makes me uncomfortable. AIBU?" and the repsonses said "yes YABU, men and women CAN just be friends y'know?".

Ultimately it depends on what the OP actually says but people are so quick to shape it to their own agenda.

100% trust can be dangerous in some relationships.

I think the term "cool wife" implies that you're only pretending to be ok with certain behaviour because you don't want to be called a nag / controlling / whatever lovely list of names we call women who express their opinions.

Exactly

But since it's bandied around a bit too often (by some posters) and used to close down the opinions of anyone who doesn't have an attack of the vapours, because their DH comes home drunk once in a while...it seems to be losing its original meaning, particularly in the relationships topic.

"Oh, here come all the cool wives to stick up for the menz"...when often what they're saying is, they occasionally come home drunk too and their DH doesn't mind either.

Being the cool wife is not saying anything when your dh is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, for fear of being accused of being clingy or insecure.

And yes, if you minimise someone else's insecurities then you are pushing the "cool wife agenda".

We're all different and have our boundaries in different places. The cool wife will push her boundaries and quash her feelings for the sake of being seen as "cool".

So if you are happy with your dh going on holiday with a female friend, then you're not a cool wife. But if you criticised someone else for not being happy with it, then you're projecting the need to be a cool wife on someone. And that's not fair.

Even if you don't agree that the worry is a valid one, if someone has a worry the sensible thing would be to encourage them to communicate that worry in a calm way, to get some reassurance from their dh. A cool wife worries alone and doesn't share her fears. That's not how love should be.

I remember being the "cool gf" when I was young. But then I grew up and realised that my needs were valid, and my discomfort was justified. Being the cool gf, just meant I put up with shitty behaviour, when I should have been treated with respect.

So there you go, a cool wife is either squashing her true feelings due to fear, or not empathising with those who are struggling with what to do with those feelings.

I am happy for dh to have female friends, go out to dinner with female colleagues, go out without me without me contacting him, this doesn't make me a cool wife. It makes me lucky enough to be in a relationship where we trust each other.

Maybe we need new terms to distinguish between the partners who are truly not bothered by various potentially offensive types of behaviour, versus those who are bothered but are trying to pretend they're not.
'Happy in my relationship' versus 'Unhappy in my relationship' leap to mind. 'Hap' and 'Unhap', maybe?

I'm Hap, since you ask.

I think that even if you're happy with your own relationship then you can still manage to display empathy towards others who aren't so happy. I was happy to have the ex-wife at my reception and various friends were quite startled at me. Given that response, I would NEVER tell them they were being uptught and needed to lightyen up if they didn't want ex-wives at their own receptions. We have different views and experiences and I don't know how they got there, so I can't and shouldn't judge.

Chris

I think what this thread is about though is other posters sneering "oh here we go, cool wives" when people are saying perfectly reasonable things like "if your husband is trustworthy then you don't need him to phone you when he's on a night out" or similar.

I don't think it's about anyone thinking they are a cool wife, more that it's offensive to be called one for saying something perfectly reasonable based on the information the OP has given. It's similar to the "competitive relaxed parenting" moniker that is flung round when someone says they let an 8 year old go to the shop down the road.

The use of "cool wife" is frequently to demean posters with a reasonable outlook.

I agree plum, but I would also say it works the other way too. If you are seen to be easy going about nights out, holidays etc then quite often you are accused of being naive, cool and other things. I fin fit insulting to be told these things when I'm nothing of the sort.

PlumpPartridge

Maybe we need new terms to distinguish between the partners who are truly not bothered by various potentially offensive types of behaviour, versus those who are bothered but are trying to pretend they're not

That's exactly it!

nicknacky it is annoying, you're right. I try to be charitable and assume that they have had unpleasant past experiences that make them uneasy (which fortunately has not happened to me) or that their partner is a right douche who would stray at the drop of a hat (this one has sort of happened to me). Alternatively, they could have had no prior bad experience and have lovely considerate partners and still be hugely uncomfortable about whatever it is.

It's all so variable. Our responses are based on a mixture of our experiences, other people's piss-taking (or lack thereof) and our own baseline personalities. You just can't decide what the 'right' response is, really.

but "potentially offensive behaviour" can be anything. Having a coffee is potentially offensive if potentially it could lead onto an affair. As with virtually every thread on MN so much depends on the individual people involved as to whether something is reasonable or "offensive" or not.

I don't know what's going on here but it'd piss me off to be called a cool wife because whho's doing the judging? men? and what makes you cool? looking the part, playing the part being no trouble, not asking for any help around the house or with children and not objecting to porn (or anything else you're uncomfortable with). I don't knnow what it means but it smacks of being pretty and letting men be men, so, it would make me uncomfortable. I don't know if I@m cool but I have integrity. :-|

I agree! Which is why MN is so useful, IMO anyway. There are times when I'm not sure if I am totally reasonable or if I'm out on a bit of a limb. Asking MN generally lets me know how mainstream my opinion is. If I seem to be well and truly out there (and in this place that's not too common) then I will re-evaluate my position and try to work out if I am, in fact, possibly being unreasonable/paranoid. If my position holds up after re-evaluation, despite the fact that it's out there, then I will stand by it. In fact I think that it's sometimes unfair to call drip-feeding on a post, because drip-feeding is often provision of information that you didm't realise was relevant to the conversation until now.

If my position is within the usual scope, then I am usually a bit more confident of it and don't subject it to much further scrutiny.

You can't tell I trained as a scientist, can you

Chanal

It's supposed to mean a wife who puts up with all kinds of rubbish in order to look "cool" and not a "nag".

It's often used when posters point out that if OP has no reason to be concerned about DH's behaviour generally, they might be being unreasonable to be unhappy their DH is having a coffee/lunch with a female".

It's is increasingly used to sneer at posters in "normal" relationships who wouldn't assume their husband was having an affair if he received a text message off a female colleague.