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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

426 replies

Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 18:53

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

OP posts:
shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 21:50

this would make more sense.

Most couples that get married abroad usually invite family and then have a bash for friends and colleagues back home.

If they are only work colleagues I'd probably organise a bit of a bash back in UK local to work, then it would just be an evening maybe some nice food and wine or something if money is that tight

I still say that OP needs to see the invitation.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 21:50

I reiterate my last comment.

And thank you BowlersArm

Rainbunny · 21/07/2014 21:52

No, YANBU. Some people clearly wish it was okay (because it saves them money) but it's still rude and it is still the general etiquette practice. I had an insane year of weddings in 2013, 8 in total. Not a single wedding excluded partners on the invites. A couple excluded casual boyfriends/girlfriends but nobody excluded serious partners.

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 21:52

I think we will all have to agree to disagree on this one.

I hope the OP and her husband sort it out.

MBT1987 · 21/07/2014 21:53

Oh, give over projecting YOUR poor experience of a handful of people on to a whole gender.

If we were to distrust a whole gender based on a very limited subset, Mumsnet would just be 10,000 users calling each other rotten Caring Understanding Nice Types.

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 21:56

Rainbunny, agree. Seems extremely bad manners more than anything else.

No, YANBU. Some people clearly wish it was okay (because it saves them money) but it's still rude and it is still the general etiquette practice. I had an insane year of weddings in 2013, 8 in total. Not a single wedding excluded partners on the invites. A couple excluded casual boyfriends/girlfriends but nobody excluded serious partners.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 21/07/2014 21:59

Sorry Piper not been ignoring you - been putting kids to bed, cooking supper etc.

I am thinking that probably traditional mindset is probably more preeminent in working class/upper classes, and that middle more progressive and liberal and that possibly that is also a factor. For me though, it's a religious/cultural thing - Spanish catholic background!

hollycomputer · 21/07/2014 22:01

Oh, for god's sake. Why are people assuming it means OP's DH will be up to no good?

Yes, it's a bit aggravating to be excluded from such an invite but it's not the end of the world and it doesn't automatically mean it's dodgy. DH and I often socialise separately. No, he's not keeping secrets and neither am I, we are grown-ups who don't feel the need to live in each other's pockets and have our own friends and work dos.

When DH was invited to the ex-colleague's wedding without me, I can honestly say it never even crossed my mind that it was dodgy.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 22:02

I actually don't know what to make of that. But it's food for thought.

Delphiniumsblue · 21/07/2014 22:03

I think the problem is her DH who doesn't appear to have shown her the invitation or discussed the financial side. As it is just a work colleague I would expect him to turn it down.

scottishmummy · 21/07/2014 22:04

Shoulda you have a perception as wife you have an elevated status,and certainly above girlfriends
And as wife,you must be ore sent.as that's wifely and all that?
Oh and the men you know are shaggers who'll whop it up when the wife is absent

eddielizzard · 21/07/2014 22:07

just unacceptable. i would never do this in a million years. really yuck.

but i wouldn't stop my dh from going.

LittlePeaPod · 21/07/2014 22:08

Wow yet another "I am not invited to the wedding" thread. I shall roll out my usual post.. Its not your wedding therefore not your rules. It's a bit rude to expect an invite just because your husband is going to a work colleagues wedding. If you have an issue with him going then tell your husband he can't go but please don't slate the B&G for organising their wedding how they want.

I also agree with this point made by Scottishmummy

I couldn't bear to be glued to a partner the way some of you describe. It's permissible to socialise without each other. I'd really suffocate in a we're a couple we go everywhere and do everything together relationship

DH and I have always had our own interests. We also have couple friends that we socialise with and we have individual friends that we separately socialise with. It's healthy for couples to have their own identity.

GarlicJulyKit · 21/07/2014 22:11

I'm sorry to hear your story, Irian. I remember your thread, I think, and that those of us who felt it was weird, and pointed to a 'more than friends' situation, were shouted down by coolwives.

I freely admit that my perspective may be skewed by having been married to one man who never told anyone he was married, and another who went to an overseas event with his secretary acting as his partner.

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 22:12

Delphinium, I think that's the main issue, he didn't show her the invite or discuss financial side, or ask whether she minded.

I think the problem is her DH who doesn't appear to have shown her the invitation or discussed the financial side. As it is just a work colleague I would expect him to turn it down.

GarlicJulyKit · 21/07/2014 22:12

OP hasn't suggested for one second that she "does everything" with her husband! Will you lot stop being ridiculous?

edamsavestheday · 21/07/2014 22:13

Wow. I invited a few work colleagues to my wedding, didn't invite their partners - a. because I didn't know them b. because there wasn't enough room. I didn't have the budget to cater for double the number I actually wanted to invite!

OP, I think you are being a little precious. Your dh has been invited as a colleague. You are not married to his job, or part of his department.

scottishmummy · 21/07/2014 22:13

Keep up,the thread has evolved we are responding to op and other posts
Others who expect to be invited cause they're the wife

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 22:13

Here we go again with the 'cool wives'.

aquashiv · 21/07/2014 22:14

Is he going?

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 22:14

I freely admit that my perspective may be skewed by having been married to one man who never told anyone he was married, and another who went to an overseas event with his secretary acting as his partner.

As much as people would like to point out that not all men are like that - there are a heck of a lot of them around.
The DO exist, whether we like it or not.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 22:15

You know, women like that exist too. Shhhhh, it's a secret.

edamsavestheday · 21/07/2014 22:16

(Mind you, none of them were actually married, I think if they had been I might have invited wives and husbands.)

Aeroflotgirl · 21/07/2014 22:17

I have been alive for a lot of years but have always been invited with +1 to weddings. Incredibly bad manners, doesent matter if you have met the the other half or not!

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 22:17

You always get the cool wives responding piper.

''I'm so cool we don't do anything together and now I'm wondering why we've drifted apart and are getting divorced''

How did THAT HAPPEN? Confused