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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

426 replies

Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 18:53

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

OP posts:
shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 21:17

If I were getting married I wouldn't dream of asking One Half of a married couple to attend my wedding.
It's just bizzare.
(is that what people are doing now?)

Pico2 · 21/07/2014 21:17

DH and I quite like doing stuff apart, that would definitely include colleagues weddings. We usually don't go to each others' work events, even if partners are invited. Is that so strange?

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 21:17

I don't think this is an age thing. I'm in my 40's my dp is 14 years younger. We're both on the same page when it comes to this.

PhaedraIsMyName · 21/07/2014 21:17

That's your bill to pay? Well - technically no, it's both of yours

That is not true. You are not responsible for anyone else's debts unless it's something like a joint mortgage where you both undertook the debt or one party has specifically given a guarantee for the other.

GarlicJulyKit · 21/07/2014 21:18

Do they know he's married?

Can you ask some of the other colleagues' partners if they're going?

Putting my hands up to being overly suspicious here - have been burned.

scottishmummy · 21/07/2014 21:19

I couldn't bear to be glued to a partner the way some of you describe
It's permissible to socialise without each other
I'd really suffocate in a we're a couple we go everywhere and everything together relationship

GarlicJulyKit · 21/07/2014 21:21

I dunno, SM. I'm sure there are people to whom a massive party overseas is just 'socialising' like a curry after work, but I'm not among them.

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 21:21

If it had been my DH he would have shown me the invitation and said he wouldn't be going, but would send them a card and wedding pressie

This is exactly what my DH would offer to do (out of respect for me) and cus he luvs me
and yet he goes away, golfing weekends and I go away with friends

OP is uneasy about it and her H should respect that and either suggest she goes along for the holiday or he should not go at all.

SlicedAndDiced · 21/07/2014 21:21

Nah, it's rude and odd.

I get that some people live separate lives from their DH, separate finances/ hobbies/ everything except a bed. And that's cool, for you.

But pretty much no married couple I know in rl is like that. I'm with because I (shock horror) like spending time with him and vice versa.

Op I'd be put out too. DH wouldn't even consider an invitation that excluded me IF I was upset by it.

SirChenjin · 21/07/2014 21:21

It depends Phaedra - unless you both have plenty of disposable income once the bills have been paid, then outgoings have to be factored into the joint household budget.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 21:21

You and me both Scottishmummy

Notagainmun · 21/07/2014 21:22

Some people think it is ok for the OP not to be invited because the bride doesn't know her. However, I bet the OP's DH doesn't know the groom either. I think it is very disrespectful of other people's marriages.

I can understand if it was an evening reception in a local venue and only colleagues were invited, because everyone know just being invited to the night do is a bit of a booby prize anyway, but to travel and at a lot of expense is rude.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 21/07/2014 21:22

I already said it but I think that it's down to your attitude to marriage, rather than an age thing. I'm (clearly!) a fuddy-duddy traditionalist! Possibly a class thing too?

Delphiniumsblue · 21/07/2014 21:23

Maybe everyone on here just has lots of money and can afford for one partner to have a social event abroad involving travel costs, hotel, meals etc while the partner and children stay at home. If so lucky them.
It would be out of the question for us financially, unless it was very close family and one needed to go. Certainly not for a work colleague.
My bet is they expect to have very few guests and are inviting at least double the number they finally expect. They are probably sorted with looking generous knowing that they will be turned down as people want the money to travel as a family. Unless I have it wrong and they are all bankers or other high earners.

PhaedraIsMyName · 21/07/2014 21:23

Bruno seriously, finances and assets do not join together just because you get married.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 21:24

And exactly which "class" do you think I belong to?

Hulababy · 21/07/2014 21:24

Neither myself nor DH have ever had a wedding invitation which hasn't included the other partner, even colleagues.

It definitely isn't the norm here.

I wouldn't pay to go to a wedding overseas for a colleague, not unless it was a very good friend. Even then only if it involved the family really, or perhaps just me and dh if not far and could do as a short weekend.

Delphiniumsblue · 21/07/2014 21:25

We have been invited to weddings in Italy and Cyprus- we couldn't go as too expensive for us.
Locally wouldn't be a problem.

HauntedNoddyCar · 21/07/2014 21:25

DH has been invited to a wedding of a colleague without me. Not overseas but it will be a bit of a pain. Hadn't occurred to me to be grumpy about it.

IrianofWay · 21/07/2014 21:25

It just seems a bit odd to invite work colleagues to a wedding abroad. And a married one without his spouse is even odder. I really get on with my colleagues and I have been to the wedding of one of them but I went with DH. I can't see me being invited to celebrate their nuptials overseas.... that would normally be just close friends and family, surely.

I am a little sensitive on the subject as I objected to DH going to a wedding of a colleague without me (this was after many work dos with his largely female work cohort, and going to the bloody Hen party as well!). He declined the invite and we were both miraculously invited to the evening reception (at which I felt about as welcome as a fart in a lift). And you'll never guess what! The bride and my husband were having an affair within 6 months of the wedding. Oh how I laughed at the irony when I found out ..... Hmm

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 21:25

So Choosandchip tell me which class you think I'm in?

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 21:26

*Nah, it's rude and odd.

I get that some people live separate lives from their DH, separate finances/ hobbies/ everything except a bed. And that's cool, for you.

But pretty much no married couple I know in rl is like that. I'm with because I (shock horror) like spending time with him and vice versa.

Op I'd be put out too. DH wouldn't even consider an invitation that excluded me IF I was upset by it.*

Sliced&Diced, I agree.
It seems to be the thing now for some marrieds to lead separate lives, then as they get older and things start to go pear shaped, they are left wondering if maybe there was a bit too much freedom and 'seperate ways stuff' going on and whether it was such a good thing after all.

ICanSeeTheSun · 21/07/2014 21:26

I enjoy going out with DH, I have a lifelong commitment to Him.

We been together 10 years, married 3 and got 2 children. Not the most perfect relationship and we have had our problems.

But I am not joined at the hip. I have a life outside of my relationship and home life.
I think it is one of these threads that we have to agree to disagree

Shakey1500 · 21/07/2014 21:27

I think YABU.

I have a male friend (the groom) that I met pursuing my hobby. DH has zero interest in my hobby just as I have no interest in him catching fish only to throw them back Grin

Co-incidentally, my best friend (male) also shares my hobby and is equally friendly with the groom. He is getting married in November and has invited my best friend and I as a "couple".

DH knows him but not that well at all whereas best friend and I have shared many a completely wankered evening social event with the groom. It makes sense. The groom gets two friends at his wedding for the price of one couple. Win win. And we're sharing a twin room so savings all round Grin

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 21/07/2014 21:28

Scottish and Piper - we're not joined at the him. DH just went away for a MAMIL biking holiday and has another biking weekend planned in September; he also often goes away abroad for work. I've been away for yoga weekend, a hen weekend, to Sweden to see my family, and off to my mother's with the DC for part of the summer.

It's the attitude to marriage I find rude.

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