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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

426 replies

Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 18:53

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/07/2014 00:02

I'm not going to revise my opinion cause someone man piped up

In all seriousness, have you ever revised your opinion when a woman piped up?

Nanny0gg · 22/07/2014 00:06

Well I think invitations to an overseas' wedding for colleagues is weird unusual.
I think invitations to an overseas' wedding for one half of a partnership/couple is somewhat rude a big ask. It's a lot of family money and time to be used for one person.

I'd be a bit more than miffed if I was the OP.

Happy36 · 22/07/2014 00:19

You are being reasonable. The bride's parents or whoever has invited your husband to the wedding are being unreasonable. Why would your husband want the expense and time of going away for a weekend abroad by himself, to attend a colleague's wedding?

usualsuspectt · 22/07/2014 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrumMummy · 22/07/2014 00:47

I've been invited to work colleagues' weddings without my DH, but admittedly this has often been when I've only been invited to the evening do. This has generally been colleagues have only met my husband maybe once when they've been introduced at a Christmas do etc (I'm a secondary teacher so he has met colleagues in my subject department a number of times at work meals out, parties etc but a few I would consider friends from other departments have met him once if that).

Obviously I like spending time with my DH but I wouldn't want colleagues to think they had to spend an extra 50 quid or whatever to invite someone they don't know to their wedding - and nor would he! A bit different if it's abroad and a weekend thing though but if lots of colleagues are going on their own don't see anything dodgy about it.

How much is it costing OP? Is there room in the family finances for you to go away for a weekend later in the year with friends? If so I think you should. Your username says it all imho.

Coumarin · 22/07/2014 01:18

My DH was invited to a colleagues wedding a cou

Coumarin · 22/07/2014 01:18

a cou

Coumarin · 22/07/2014 01:21

Oh ffs.

*a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't invited. It was a 'invite work colleagues but not partners' thing. I wasn't bothered. I suppose it struck us as unusual as it's usually a plus 1 even when you don't know the other person but it's their wedding, they can do as they see fit. If it was his cousin or something then yes that'd be weird but a colleague, not so much.

GarlicJulyKit · 22/07/2014 01:26

The way I see it, wedding couples ought to be concerned about the comfort of their guests. They are guests not delegates. They've been invited on a personal basis, as differentiated from professional, so it's considerate to give them the personal choice of whether to come with a partner.

I know some people (or their parents) do treat their weddings as business networking opportunities - but that's not thought to be good manners, is it?

FuckTheMagicDragon · 22/07/2014 01:40

I've been invited to a wedding by an ex work colleague that I thought I was friends with (knew both of them through work) without my husband (who they had met). it was a fair way away. I understand that it was probably due to cost, but decided not to go.

I know my husbands was a wee bit stung that he'd not been asked (naturally assumed they didn't like him) and to be honest when I saw the pics all my other colleagues partners had been invited, so I was a bit Hmm and glad I didn't go. It would have been uncomfortable if I had gone.

I made a polite excuse and wished them well, but they are now firmly in the 'work acquaintances'box, not the 'friends I met through work' box :)

FuckTheMagicDragon · 22/07/2014 01:46

I also know some one who invited her manager and above (right up to the CEO) to her wedding, but none of her peers. Now that networking move spectacularly backfired!

JessieMcJessie · 22/07/2014 02:01

OP? you don't say whether he wants to go? What is his take on the financial impact?

Delphiniumsblue · 22/07/2014 07:01

I don't think there is a problem with the actual invite- OP has the problem with her DH. There doesn't seem to have been an open discussion, has she even seen the invitation? It is as if his life is compartmentalised.
We do things apart as a couple e.g I go skiing and DH stays at home as he doesn't like skiing, or even snow. We discuss it openly. We wouldn't waste money going abroad to a work colleagues wedding. I would expect that sort of connection to be invited to an evening do, locally- and whether you go alone or as a couple isn't important. Whether you use money to have an expensive weekend away is important and at least warrants a proper discussion.
If I was OP I would have the solution of making it a few days away for both of us and just amuse myself while he went to the wedding. A win/win situation for all . If he has a problem with that very simple solution then she has got something to worry about.

Ragwort · 22/07/2014 07:06

Unless I have missed it the Op still doesn't say if her DH has accepted the invitation or not - surely that is the more important bit? Yes, it might be a bit 'unusual' for the invitation to be addressed only to DH but whether or not he accepts it is up to him - if she is disappointed that she hasn't been invited, and he accepts the invitation, then the issue is between DH and her, not the sender of the invite IYSWIM Confused. Earlier on the OP made the point that weekends without one parent were difficult for family reasons - so surely weekends without two parents would be even harder?

Lala83 · 22/07/2014 07:08

Well I've learnt from this thread that though the majority see this as a rude snub at best, there are clearly a significant minority who would do this, so OP although yanbu imo, it's not unheard of so maybe just don't take it personally as you probably did when you heard.

I did note the loudest voices about 'in each others pockets' though are all unmarried with long term partners. Those posters unsurprisingly don't see a difference between a wedding and a knees up.

Delphiniumsblue · 22/07/2014 07:08

I'm sure she wouldn't have started a thread if he had just thrown it down and said that it was a nice thought but he wasn't going. I'm not sure she would have started it had he had an open discussion.

Delphiniumsblue · 22/07/2014 07:10

I agree the problem is nothing to do with the invitation- it is to do with OP's relationship with her DH.

Ragwort · 22/07/2014 07:14

I wonder if the OP's user name Homealoneagain is implying that this sort of thing has happened before and she is feeling neglected by her DH?

My personal view (and I have been married a long time Grin) is that it is rude to invite just one half of a married couple to a wedding ceremony but each individual can decide whether or not they want to attend - assuming they RSVP appropriately and promptly. Personally I loathe big fancy weddings and would be quite happy for my DH to go off abroad for a w/e without me ............ I love my own company Grin. However, if finances were severely constrained then I would not think it an appropriate use of family money (we have a joint account for everything).

Delphiniumsblue · 22/07/2014 07:16

I would imagine from the name that this problem is the tip of the iceberg- there is probably more to it.

MostlyMama · 22/07/2014 07:20

If she does not know you, she doesn't have to invite you so suck it up, build yourself a bridge and get over it...:)

LightastheBreeze · 22/07/2014 07:26

The problem isn't really the invite as others have said though, its what the DH does about the invite.

BellsaRinging · 22/07/2014 07:30

I think YABU. I have been to a number of weddings like this, and as others say, you don't know the bride.
I assume this isn't a wedding that is happening abroad because one of the couple comes from the other country? If so there may be cultural issues in play, and restrictions on the accommodation etc. I was invited to a wedding on my own of a work colleague in Cyprus. Spaces were restricted because it was a small village, and there was only one hotel. Bride's parents lived there-we had a great time!

LightastheBreeze · 22/07/2014 07:38

We don't know where the wedding is though, it could be just across the Channel or it could be far-flung like USA or Hawaii, it could cost loads and mean several days away or on the other hand just Sat morning until Sun afternoon and accommodation and flights paid for.

LittlePeaPod · 22/07/2014 07:39

Just catching up on this thread... Laughing my arse off at the Cool Wives. Is that supposed to be an insult or a put down? Is it a bit like the "are you sniffing glue posts" thrown out when people don't really have anything to say?

I am a cool wife aka not a clingy, needy, can't do anything without my DH been superglued to my hip and if he does do something without me then he must be having an affair and we will be getting divorced soon. That's a very long sentence! Grin

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 22/07/2014 07:54

I think Delphiniums has it spot on, hadn't picked up on the user name but suspect it's the tip of the iceberg.

See other thread about cool wives - is backhanded insult methinks.

Piper "I don't know what to make of that* sorry wasn't at all meant to be a personal thought on why you had your opinion - more that I was surprised there were so many saying it was OK when to me it seemed a no brainier it was rude, and musing about why that was so - my thought that it was probably mainly down to what one thought of marriage (ie, religious, cultural, feminist etc) but having had my working class DM have a hissy fit about a similar wedding issue last week, thought class might also be a factor, since it often does get mixed up in UK etiquette. Meanwhile my very posh and etiquettely-uptight DF would also patriarchally feel similar, also because of class (he barely sneezes without consulting Debrett, god knows how he managed to marry DM happily for so long!) But my own attitudes are more shaped by matriarchal forrin catholic grandmother.