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Original poster

to feel sad about people's perception of having sons.

304 replies

wanderingcloud · 20/07/2014 11:15

A random conversation in the staffroom at work, general chit chat about children. The mother of two daughters who go to the same nursery as my sons said "I'm sure your boys are lovely but I'm SO glad I have girls! Boys are just horrid!" then other mum's of girls started chiming in with comments about how generally noisy/smelly/disgusting/horrible boys are and what a nightmare they must be. I laughed it off, my boys can be a handful. What under 3yr old isn't occasionally noisy and dirty? However, watching my two sons sitting quietly looking at books together this morning, I'm filled with sadness that people actually perceive them in such a negative way.

OP posts:
PastaBow · 21/07/2014 09:20

YANBU. I have a DD and a baby DS. A few people made out I must be disappointed to not have another girl.

Quite the opposite.....!

One friend has two girls and lent over when I was changing baby DS's nappy and said 'urghhh, I just couldn't touch it'. Poor DS. I got all defensive about it because in truth he is less smelly than DD was, easier to clean up and wees over me far less frequently than she did despite having quite a range when he does

People tell me he 'will be a nightmare' and 'be into everything' which makes me laugh because it's not as though 2 year old DD is easy. If I point this out though I get told 'you'll see boys are much worse, they never stop' etc etc

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/07/2014 09:21

She was known to be homophobic too, so had an extra Shock face.

Imagine the horror, a mother NOT CARING about her child's sexuality, and having the audacity to love them anyway....

And of course, girls never grow up to be gay, or decide not to have children, or find out they can't conceive do they?

grannytomine · 21/07/2014 09:23

Rainicorn, don't worry about when you DS has kids, my son's two are with me far more than other grandmother. They call my house home, probably because they have already moved house 4 times so my house is their stable place. Boys are great.

Amber76 · 21/07/2014 09:27

I have a girl and a boy and am pregnant with my third. To be honest I find my boy and girl very similar so far in terms of what they're interested in and how they behave. But they are still very young.

Hand on heart if I could choose gender for third baby I would pick a girl even though I'll of course be happy with a boy too. I think it is lovely for a girl to have a sister. And yes it is lovely for a boy to have a brother.

I just find that as an adult I draw so much emotional and practical help from my sisters even though we didn't get on as children. None of my brothers have ever minded my kids whereas my sisters are involved in my children's lives. If I ever have a problem the first person after DH that I would call would be one of my sisters - I'd never go to my brothers....they're nice people but the same closeness wouldn't be there. And my brothers are not particularly close to each other - I think they rely on their wives families far more than their own brothers and sisters. My husband is one of four brothers - he gets on well with them but would be much closer to his friends than his brothers.

This is very much my own experience and that is why I would have a slight gender preference even if it is not pc to say it. I wouldn't dream of commenting on gender of someone's children. And it sounds like the OP has some incredibly ignorant colleagues.

5madthings · 21/07/2014 09:28

I have four boys and got lots if poor you etc and you must really want a girl etc.

Then baby no 5 idea girl and you would think we had won the lottery. Judging by the comments. But equally I have had lots of 'she will be a nightmare ad a teen.. Girls are bitchy, just you wait' type comments, so it works both ways,

I ignore it or pull them of on shitty stereotyping and sexism.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/07/2014 09:34

I remember very vividly being told by the mother of two boys how sorry she felt for me that I would never have a son!! And my exFiL openly expressing his disappointment when I had a second girl.

So OP it works both ways

Primafacie · 21/07/2014 10:05

Agree with Button. Surely the way to fight prejudice against boys, isn't to give in to anti-girl prejudice? Gobbin, Rounded, Blink, I'm looking at you Hmm

thatwhichwecallarose · 21/07/2014 10:37

Mums of boys are equally as bad. I have a friend who thinks she deserves a medal for having two boys and that I have it easy for having a girl (another girl on the way too). Truth is all kids are just as demanding just in different ways. For example her dc are the type to run off and play, my dc likes role play. So whilst she can sit and watch them, I rarely get time to sit and have a cuppa (unless it's a fake cuppa with teddies and dollies!)

Boomeranggirl · 21/07/2014 11:12

I've been thinking about this viewpoint and to my mind its quite sad and says a lot about the person saying it. Being this gender specific in your approval of your children shows that your love for them isn't unconditional, it is conditional on them acting a certain way or being a specific gender. Each person is an individual with their own personality traits, quirks and characteristics, stereotyping them based on gender is very shallow and to my mind limited.

I feel sorry for people who are proponents of this opinion, something is obviously lacking if they feel they need to carry on a 'one up manship' approach with other people and use their children's gender as a means of validating their own insecure position.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/07/2014 11:16

Very true Boomerang

TheLovelyBoots · 21/07/2014 11:18

People are stupid. My boys are lovely and affectionate, even into the relatively advanced age of 12 (that's as far as I've gotten).

Sapat · 21/07/2014 11:35

I have 1 girl and 2 boys, and the girl is by far the most difficult one, but I think it is mostly due to her character rather than sex. I am still shocked when I announced my 3rd pregnancy, people did not seem to understand why I would want another baby when I already had one of each sex. Err, because I want another child, couldn't care less if it is a boy or a girl, though I am glad I have both sexes because they are a different experience. I love seeing my daughter, who hates brushing her hair but insists on having it long, delight when I comment that it looks like silk. I love it when my boy gives me big cuddles and says he loves me. As for the baby, he is cute as all babies are, as long as he is fed and cuddled, he is content.
Where I was brought up, there was more kudos to having a boy rather than a girl. My perception is that your first born should be a boy, then subsequent ones should be girls.

seb1 · 21/07/2014 11:47

I have a girl team always thought I would have a boy team (11 nephews and 1 niece, I was surprised to say the least) what I probably worried more about was a mixed team as they are more likely to (though not always) want to do different things (at different end of the town) and as DH works stupid shifts thought I would have to clone myself. Luckily mine like similar things, girly things though.

aloysiusflyte · 21/07/2014 12:44

I find this very strange, I have two ds's and so far they seem the same as little girls of the same age. I have however encountered people being negative about just having little boys (more difficult to control, not interested in doing crafts etc) which is not the case in our house. My sil was the worst culprit of this- when she found out we were expecting ds1 she told me (in front of her ds) that boys were awful and so difficult, so much harder to deal with than her 2 dd's. Wanted to point out that her parenting was probably more to blame then anything to do with gender!

What I don't understand is when this negativity changes - boys are perceived as under-acheivers in school and not as valued as little girls. BUT when they get older, men often take the prime roles in employment and in government for example, men are in the majority.

How do the much maligned little boys turn into the more important men later in life?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 21/07/2014 13:30

aloysius I'm not sure this generation have actually got there fully. When I was born, boys were still the favored gender. I remember reading a survey as a teen and it was the same.

So perhaps we are yet to see the full effect.

I've never had any comments on current behaviour of my DS, just how he will basically fail to even recognize me in his adult life. Grin

HavanaSlife · 21/07/2014 13:40

My friends with teens have all had far more troubles with the girls as teens than the boys, although this obviously isn't the case with all girls!

I have 5 boys from 19 to 18 months, i haven't found them to be any dirtier, smellier , noisier or meaner than any of my friends girls

LaFlambeau · 21/07/2014 18:12

This sort of shit used to annoy me even when I was the mother of one girl.

Still annoys me now I have one of each.

Some people are idiots.

(DD picks her nose and eats it, btw.)

Idontseeanyicegiants · 21/07/2014 18:24

I do actually have an acquaintance who has 5 boys and would have kept going if number 6 hadn't been a girl. She was quite publicly disappointed when they found out about boy number 5 and has been loud and proud about how girly her DD is. Dad doesn't have a choice really, she's been pinked up to her earlobes...Hmm
Having 2 girls and a boy I can appreciate their differences but I can't say that one is easier or more affectionate than the other.

somewherewest · 21/07/2014 19:36

In my experience the sort of older women who like to bang on about how sons don't care about their mothers are always the ones you just know are nightmare mothers / mothers-in-law. What they really mean is "For some strange reason my daughter is marginally more willing to put up with my toxic / clingy / just plain weird behaviour than my son"

Albertatata · 21/07/2014 19:44

I have two sons and people have actually said to me , oh well better luck next time'! WTF! I also have many people telling me that I will be trying for a girl soon.

I'm one of two sisters and apparently back in the 80s boys were the favoured gender and my m got all this crap too as she had two girls. I really don't know why boys get such a bad press.

HaroldLloyd · 21/07/2014 19:58

A total stranger came up to me in the doctors and said make the most of him, he won't ring you when he is older.

Mean!

Hotbot · 21/07/2014 20:57

Well, my ds is 4 and feral.....
I adore the bones of him, as I do his sister.
People talk shite sometimes

mummybare · 21/07/2014 21:48

Have a DD (who is a delight, incidentally) and am currently pg with a DS (who I am sure will be equally wonderful). Sooo many people have commented that since I'll have 'one of each', that's me done.

Not even asked what our plans are, just assumed that all boxes are ticked, all possible types of human covered.

As it happens, although we're taking things one step at a time, both DH and I have talked about having three. This was before we knew the gender of DS and, tbh, it is totally irrelevant.

EugenesAxe · 21/07/2014 22:13

In my opinion, whether you see your DGCs much if you are a mother of boys comes down to whether or not you are a cunt.

My DM is friends with someone who has two boys; she runs a beautiful house, is incredibly kind, a fantastic cook, funny and intelligent and generally someone you'd find hard to object to being around. Then there are other MILs that... just make life difficult.

I have both (Oh aren't you lucky? Hmm), and as far as I can see they are both lovely.

EugenesAxe · 21/07/2014 22:14

And actually, that first sentence of mine could just as easily read 'if you are a mother of girls'.