To think meanness is a mental illness

[jenny69xx]

I am very worried about my 20 year old DD. She is very careful with money to the point were I think it may be a mental illness. She works full time and takes home around £300 a week. I take a small sum of £20 a week in board. She has been working for about 18 months after finishing A Levels. She is responsible for her own travel, clothes toiletries, social life. She does not spend a penny if she does not have to. Her clothes are often worn and she will not buy anything if it is not on sale. She steals my make up, deodorant etc. She looks a mess as she refuses to “waste” money on haircuts. She would rather walk the 2 hours to work than pay for public transport or run a car. She has no social life and has gradually lost all friends as she refuses to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc, even a bottle of wine to take to a party. Christmas gifts from her are very mean and often she does not even buy so much as a card for mother’s day etc.

She has thousands in the bank, which is great, but I am very worried about her. My father is incredibly mean, to the point of embarrassment and I am seeing the same pattern emerging. We have always been very generous with her and she has never seen us struggle for money so I have no idea where this comes from. It makes me very sad to see friends children on holiday, in nightclubs, driving cars. She should be living life!

It started at school with her saving her lunch money rather than eating and it has snowballed from there. After the upbringing I had I feel meanness is absolutely the worst trait to have and I am at my wits end. I have no idea what to do or how to handle her.

The stealing bit I worry about, but to me this is not a mental illness, however frustrating it is.

I don't think you're BU to be worried about your dd. She does sound unwell to me - the issue with money sounds like it could potentially be a symptom of something underlying. It does sound as though it is having a huge negative effect on all aspects of her life.

Have you spoken to your dd about your concerns? How would she respond to the suggestion that she go and see someone?

So has she been ruling the roost since 13 ?

Basically I sense there is a reason for the behaviour you describe, but I feel you are rather too close to find out what it really is.

Perhaps she is saving for a deposit and wants to leave fairly soon -- everyone will be happy.

The pther thing that occurred to me is that having decided not to go to uni on financial grounds, she is determined to prove that her current situation is better financially than if she had gone.

OP, there is something called money hoarding, but I don`t know if that would fit what you describe. It is related to difficulties in decision-making and to perfectionism.

I don`t know if a clinical psychologist could help, as it relates to a problem of thinking. You could ask your GP.

I don`t think arguing and putting up the rent would help. I think the help needs to come from outside.