To think meanness is a mental illness

[jenny69xx]

I am very worried about my 20 year old DD. She is very careful with money to the point were I think it may be a mental illness. She works full time and takes home around £300 a week. I take a small sum of £20 a week in board. She has been working for about 18 months after finishing A Levels. She is responsible for her own travel, clothes toiletries, social life. She does not spend a penny if she does not have to. Her clothes are often worn and she will not buy anything if it is not on sale. She steals my make up, deodorant etc. She looks a mess as she refuses to “waste” money on haircuts. She would rather walk the 2 hours to work than pay for public transport or run a car. She has no social life and has gradually lost all friends as she refuses to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc, even a bottle of wine to take to a party. Christmas gifts from her are very mean and often she does not even buy so much as a card for mother’s day etc.

She has thousands in the bank, which is great, but I am very worried about her. My father is incredibly mean, to the point of embarrassment and I am seeing the same pattern emerging. We have always been very generous with her and she has never seen us struggle for money so I have no idea where this comes from. It makes me very sad to see friends children on holiday, in nightclubs, driving cars. She should be living life!

It started at school with her saving her lunch money rather than eating and it has snowballed from there. After the upbringing I had I feel meanness is absolutely the worst trait to have and I am at my wits end. I have no idea what to do or how to handle her.

I agree thorn rose, I remember my brother from a very early age counting out his money everyday in his bedroom and saving it up. He has thousands in the bank despite earning very little.

I know I need to ask her to do more, but she gets in such mood if i ask her to so much as wash a cup, easier to do it myself. I know it isnt right.
Same with meals out. If I left her at home there would be so much sulking. My husband says she acts more like a 13 yr old rather than a grown woman, he is right.

jenny69xx Oh goodness a 4 hour walk to work every day is odd. Unless one really enjoyed walking and/or was in training what a waste of time if nothing else.

I agree with the posters that are saying that you are not helping the matter by babying her.

She's 20 and you are still doing everything for her? You need to stop that. You are not helping her at all by doing that and yes, the rent needs to be increased as well.

I very rarely mention Aspergers on a thread like this. I hate it when people post about negative personality traits and people 'diagnose' Aspergers. I've even complained about it on here myself.

I am not doing that, I am suggesting that extreme saving is similar to hording and can be linked to OCD.

I mentioned my dd having AS as it linked with 2 other posts. Just to be clear. (Phew, I think I've covered myself!)

NO. You don't ASK her, you TELL her. If she has a tantrum and sulks then you really don't have anyone else to blame but yourself for that because you've let her get away with so much. I suspect this is why she is stealing too..

It is almost as though she is acting up because she wants boundries putting in place.

OP do you have other concerns? Has she always resisted being asked to help/do chores?

Don't worry thornrose I also hate when people jump on the bandwagon of diagnosing asd on these threads BUT occasionally it is relevant and like I said negative personality traits aren't an indicator of asd but the extreme way in which the OP's dd refuses to acknowledge the issue could be. Also I know plenty of teens happy to sponge off mum and dad left, right and centre but few would let there social life suffer or walk 2 hours to work to save a few quid.

I think my own mum felt the same as you in that it was easier to let things go OP, except now my DB is mid thirties and my poor mum is at breaking point and my DB is miserable. If things stay the same no one wins.

@thornrose She has always resisted helping in any way. In fact anything at all that does not benefit her eg visiting relatives. She is an embarassment sometimes as she will just sit glued to her phone!

If she does help it is always met by an day/evening of a grumpy mood. She has always been very "young" too. She claims she is still a virgin, despite having several boyfriends, the present one she has been with over 18 months, which i would imagine is unusual for a woman of 20. That also worries me.

With meals out say "I would like £xx before we go please to cover your share" if she says she doesn't want to pay just stay calm say "ok if you don't want to come that's fine, let me know if you change your mind"

Let her sulk if that's what she wants to do.

Also as you mention meals out is she doing the bulk of the socialising with you the parents rather than her peers? At that age it would have to be a birthday before I socialised with my parents. I know we are all different and someone will be along to say they loved socialising with family at 20... but you need a balance.

@Frog She comes out with us and her boyfriend or just her if he is busy. She has no friends to socialise with, apart from her boyfriend. 9 times out of 10 they see each other at our house.

I do think it seems to be a problem. Could you compare it in a way with some kind of OCD or similar. Like washing your hands a few times a day - fine. Washing them hundreds of times a day worrying.

Good grief - you are still letting her live at home, and paying a ridiculously small amount of 'rent'? I'd tell her she has, say, three months to find her own accommodation. After all, she can afford it. You really aren't doing her any favours, letting this continue. Tell her she has to strike out on her own. She needs a dose of reality.

Why does it bother you if she sulks? Let her sulk and ignore her. It's what you'd do for a 13 year old, and that's how she's behaving.

If she's that bothered about money, is it worth pointing out to her that if she looks a mess she's less likely to get pay rises and promotions?

It just seems such a waste of a young life. I know its been said if she is happy. . And in some ways its less of a worry if she isn't pissing it up in ibiza. But it is a concern because her 'behaviour' is bringing the rest of you down and its causing discord in your marriage. I think you need to have a chat and be prepared for some cold shouldering. This can't continue.

Well shes either learned it, or its something inherent.

I think it sounds pretty obsessive, and I also think theres definitely an unawareness of social things. Maybe she is aspie. I actually think its a massively underdiagnosed thing, even if its mentioned often here. It can present very differently in girls

www.willowhope.com/pages/aspergers-traits-in-girls

Could she buy a bike? Is it safe to cycle where you live? Then she would be getting somewhere under her own steam, but not wasting hours walking the same boring route, and not guilt tripping others into picking her up, lifts etc.
I think I would be tempted to put her rent up is she doesn't help round the house more.

You need to stop pandering to her.. she needs to learn how to cope in the world.

Start by putting her board up.. 100 quid a week if she's bring home 3.. then you can use it to buy the things she takes from you if you must to start with. Then she has to pull her weight in the house - even if she sulks.

It's time man, how is she going to cope in her own place if she has no idea what it's like to fork out lumps of money?

Stop pandering.

It just seems such a waste of a young life. I know its been said if she is happy. . And in some ways its less of a worry if she isn't pissing it up in ibiza.

But people usually grow out of that sort of behaviour; this sounds like behaviour she is growing in to.

£20 per week is a tiny sum for board. I ask for 20% of my DD's income and she gives it gladly. She needs to understand the true costs of living.

I agree that it sounds like she has control issues which may be symptomatic of mental health issues. How you deal with this I have no idea.

I think in your shoes I would be charging a more reasonable amount of board (£20! come on!) and absolutely NOT accepting her stealing your stuff. If she doesn't like you being stricter she can always move out.
She is old enough to be out on her own so she is taking your good nature for granted. The fact that you do not even get a nice card now and then is very sad IMO.

Thanks itis.

I agree that when you have a child who persistently resists being asked to do anything you can get into the habit of giving in.

It's not easy to change the habit though.

meanness like this is a horrible trait. Her boyfriend will probably end their relationship before too long as well.

It doesn't sound like mental illness to me (no expert though) just a very selfish personality flaw.

I do think she's been incredibly indulged by you though OP. £20 a week in board? That's insane.

I would start instigating measures that mean she HAS to spend her own money. Tell her she has to shop for and cook a family meal once a week as a starting point.

I also think you should take more money from her. Then you can make sure there are always "extra" toiletries, make up and even clothing etc, for her.

If she won't buy these things for herself then you will have to. Even pay for her hair cuts and bus fare?