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Original poster

To think meanness is a mental illness

155 replies

jenny69xx · 19/07/2014 12:50

I am very worried about my 20 year old DD. She is very careful with money to the point were I think it may be a mental illness. She works full time and takes home around £300 a week. I take a small sum of £20 a week in board. She has been working for about 18 months after finishing A Levels. She is responsible for her own travel, clothes toiletries, social life. She does not spend a penny if she does not have to. Her clothes are often worn and she will not buy anything if it is not on sale. She steals my make up, deodorant etc. She looks a mess as she refuses to “waste” money on haircuts. She would rather walk the 2 hours to work than pay for public transport or run a car. She has no social life and has gradually lost all friends as she refuses to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc, even a bottle of wine to take to a party. Christmas gifts from her are very mean and often she does not even buy so much as a card for mother’s day etc.

She has thousands in the bank, which is great, but I am very worried about her. My father is incredibly mean, to the point of embarrassment and I am seeing the same pattern emerging. We have always been very generous with her and she has never seen us struggle for money so I have no idea where this comes from. It makes me very sad to see friends children on holiday, in nightclubs, driving cars. She should be living life!

It started at school with her saving her lunch money rather than eating and it has snowballed from there. After the upbringing I had I feel meanness is absolutely the worst trait to have and I am at my wits end. I have no idea what to do or how to handle her.

OP posts:
Original poster
jenny69xx · 19/07/2014 15:03

@Birdsgottafly She is quite happy to use the bus when I pay (which I stupidly have done when the weather is bad)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/07/2014 15:03

Just as an example, if her boyfriend left £10 by mistake, would she take it and pretend it was lost? Does any of your money go missing?

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 15:04

'I do have to buy her pads though or she wont use them, uses toilet roll.'

Bloody hell, that isn't right is it? No wonder you're worried about how she'll cope.

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2014 15:04

Doesn't she have to replace her shoes more frequently, with all that walking?!

littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 15:05

It certainly sounds like she has very disordered thinking which may indicate some deeper rooted issues. Have you tried broaching this with her?

ImperialBlether · 19/07/2014 15:06

Does she panic at the thought of spending money?

expatinscotland · 19/07/2014 15:06

No, I don't think meanness is a mental illness. It's a character trait.

beijaflor · 19/07/2014 15:06

I understand your hesitation to ask her to move out or to stop babying her. It's a classic dilemma for family dealing with MH or SN: Maybe she's avoiding adult responsibility because you baby her, but then it could be that you baby her because you know she can't handle the pressure of life like an NT person could.

I think it's utterly reasonable to ask for £100/week in rent and board, especially as you are feeding her bf as well. And I would do all I could to make public transport to & from work happen, as well. A self-inflicted 4-hour commute is terrible, and a clear sign that as you say, something's not right.

It may be as simple as telling her to grow up, move out and stop acting like a spoilt teen. I suspect it's a lot more complicated than that.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 15:07

If the boyfriend is the one outside family social contact and not flush himself I'd hang fire on charging for his food directly

Agreed. If boyfriend is for want of a better word "normal" I'd want to hang on to him.

beijaflor · 19/07/2014 15:08

I don't think you're stupid to pay for a bus in bad weather. I'd do the same. You're worried and doing what you think is best to protect your DD.

expatinscotland · 19/07/2014 15:08

Charge her more rent and board, too.

Original poster
jenny69xx · 19/07/2014 15:09

@ImperialBlether Money has never gone missineg and I could quite happily leave £50 around without worrying

@littlewhitebag If I bring it up she always turns around to me having the problem. "If you walked to work you wouldn't be so fat" "I cant help if you are so bad with money you have no savings, you are just jealous" "If I was out drinking every night I might die. Its better for you i stay in" "No one else has a house as tidy as ours, there is no need to sweep the floor daily" That kind of thing.

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 15:09

It's seems a bit like a hoarding tendency but with money. Signs of OCD perhaps?

littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 15:13

I suspect asking her for more money is going to really upset the applecart so be prepared for this to go very badly. However, it might be the catalyst that is needed, especially if she is sliding down the road of OCD or some related condition.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 19/07/2014 15:18

If I bring it up she always turns around to me having the problem. "If you walked to work you wouldn't be so fat" "I cant help if you are so bad with money you have no savings, you are just jealous" "If I was out drinking every night I might die. Its better for you i stay in" "No one else has a house as tidy as ours, there is no need to sweep the floor daily" That kind of thing.

Wow... this is starting to sound like personality disorder territory. I'd be worried too. Maybe it'd be worth giving somewhere like the MIND helpline a call?

gamerchick · 19/07/2014 15:18

I agree.. If there is some sort of underlying problem then poking the wasp nest may bring it to a head. This limbo might go on for years otherwise.

GarlicJulyKit · 19/07/2014 15:18

"If you walked to work you wouldn't be so fat" "I cant help if you are so bad with money you have no savings, you are just jealous" - This from the young woman who steals your things and breaks them, ponces off her boyfriend and won't move out to pay her own way.

You're being abused by your own daughter. From everything you've said, I am convinced she has a mental disorder of some kind. She's an adult, though, you can't make her seek assessment. I'd recommend setting very firm boundaries including £100 a week or move out. Also stop feeding her boyfriend - I understand it's a pleasure for you to have him there, but by including him in your family you're enabling her ability to have a kind-of relationship at other's expense.

I'm sure this will feel very tough. If anyone's going to seek counselling, perhaps it could be you, for some support during transition?

beijaflor · 19/07/2014 15:18

I like walking to work, too, and it takes me an hour - about 20 minutes longer than if I took the bus. I also think it helps keep me slim. But if it's raining or quite cold or I'm in a hurry, I'll take the bus. I do it to make my life better, not worse.

I think we left behind any normal-teen-laziness excuse at 'if I don't buy her pads she uses toilet paper'.

efeslight · 19/07/2014 15:20

A personal question, but is your husband her father? Is there any tension between them? She does sound like she has problems...toilet roll instead of sanitary products is horrible - what would she say if you asked her to share costs of a cleaner, as you're struggling to do it all yourself? if she's too tired in the evening..

expatinscotland · 19/07/2014 15:22

So upset the applecart. Stop enabling by buying her pads, and feeding and keeping everyone.

A lot of people, myself included, could never afford that.

She moves out and she'll have to stump up.

Original poster
jenny69xx · 19/07/2014 15:28

@efeslight Yes he is her father. They do not get on at all, especially if he tries to bring up how unfair this is on me. She is an only child. If I asked her to share cost of a cleaner she would roll her eyes and call me lazy. Or say she doesn't care if the place is untidy and I have a problem.

@GarlicJulyKit If a man spoke to me like she does she would have been shown the door long ago.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 19/07/2014 15:30

being excessively careful with money is one thing, using loo paper instead of pads is something people have to do when they are flat broke, not bothering to put sheets on the bed is also grim - has she always been like that?

she's also very rude in the way she speaks to you, gain, I am assuming this is new not always behaviour? otherwise why would you tolerate it?

she is an adult. it is time for an adult talk. she is either just being lazy and happy to sponge off you, or she has serious problems. hard to say which but you cannot let things go on as they are, it's not doing any of you any good.

expatinscotland · 19/07/2014 15:30

Her father has the measure of her.

ExcuseTypos · 19/07/2014 15:31

But just making her move out may not solve her issues will it. I think it will make her worse becasue she'll have to be paying rent, bills, food etc.

She clearly has a huge issue, and if it were my dd, I want to help her sort it out slowly rather than just asking her to leave.

expatinscotland · 19/07/2014 15:31

She needs to move out.

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