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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by the assumption that mothers don't work?

149 replies

SuiGeneris · 13/07/2014 23:07

Just received first email from the class reps (DS starts reception in Sept): pre-start picnic for the children to get to know each other. What a good idea I thought. Until I saw the time: lunchtime on a Tuesday. Email addressed to mothers only even though the school circulated contact details for both parents. Closes with suggestion that those who cannot make it can meet at a coffee morning later on.

I can make neither- work is an hour away and I am out 7-6. Will DS be condemned to social isolation? Could DH attend (busy in this particular case but works nearer)? Could I send our nanny?

But, more to the point, AIBU to be annoyed at the assumption that mothers don't work? They didn't even cc the fathers!

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 13/07/2014 23:10

I think they assume you will take annual leave if you work, isn't that possible?

JassyRadlett · 13/07/2014 23:12

Christ, that's so depressing.

Though maybe it's not the wider school community - just that the class reps are probably more likely to be SAHMs and are making stupid assumptions about their fellow parents?

When DH was extended paternity leave my NCT lot were marvellous and invited him to all their weekday daytime catchups. Without them he would have been quite isolated despite classes, etc. So much is geared towards (a) mothers and (b) families where at least one parent doesn't work or works part time. I can't find swimming lessons for DS because they all seem to be on weekdays for his age group.

WanttoFindWorkLifeBalance · 13/07/2014 23:13

Yanbu - I find the whole school thing very gender stereotyped.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2014 23:14

I think youre wrong to be annoyed by this. They're just trying to be nice, nothing wrong with that. By the looks of your hours, there wouldn't be any times you could make. But, yes, send the nanny, that's fine.

JassyRadlett · 13/07/2014 23:14

Soon, but surely if you've got a kid about to start school you'll be hoarding annual leave for school holidays, etc, as you won't have the simplicity of 51/52 week childcare any more? Expecting people to take annual leave seems a bit ridiculous, especial as annual leave availability is at a premium at this time of year.

JassyRadlett · 13/07/2014 23:16

Arethereany, if they're trying to be nice, why exclude half the parents?

ChoccaDoobie · 13/07/2014 23:16

When would have been a good time though? You have very long working hours. I'm not being unkind, I do too!!

Pumpkinpositive · 13/07/2014 23:18

Maybe they think by addressing it to the mother this will ensure the missive gets read and remembered? maybe they think dads are useless

Not saying I agree with this logic. Grin

HicDraconis · 13/07/2014 23:20

I'd be annoyed if it were me. In our family setup I work FT, DH is the SAHD - he'd have felt somewhat excluded from a mothers-only type invite. I suspect he would have felt too awkward to have gone which is a shame.

Luckily where we are there seems to be an even split of genders as the SAHP, with a fair few nannies thrown into the mix. Everyone's included.

YANBU - could you send a reply asking if there's a reason it's mothers only or whether anyone else could attend?

morethanpotatoprints · 13/07/2014 23:21

Yes they should have also addressed the fathers.
However, its not the schools fault you work. Are they not to do these things for those who can attend.
The school is also part of the wider community and dds old school had something going on all the time.
There were some parents or gps who attended and other families didn't.

BeatriceBean · 13/07/2014 23:22

Whats a class rep?

we had organised settling in sessions but that's organised by the school.

Doingakatereddy · 13/07/2014 23:22

I agree it's annoying, but buckle up - it's the norm.

Send the nanny by all means, it is useful to meet other mums IMO just to put faces to names for play dates etc. but if nanny will do play dates then prob best they get to know her (sorry if that sounds mean)

BeatriceBean · 13/07/2014 23:26

Only just saw thenanny bit. If your nanny will be doing the pic ups and drop offs and interaction with the other parents then yes- makes sense.

NormHonal · 13/07/2014 23:27

Oh, I've done the class rep thing and firstly, it is a thankless task. You can't do right for doing wrong. I'm not saying that they've done the right thing in this instance, but at least they have done something. Something being better than nothing, right? Just send the nanny, really, that will be fine.

Secondly, when would have been a good time? Because indeed, you can't please everyone so the class reps may as well please themselves in the first instance.

Thirdly...having been there, done that, I can say that I did include DHs/fathers in emails but never once, ever, heard from a father or had a father (out of 60 children) turn up at a social event. Over a whole year. Not one, ever.

RevoltingPeasant · 13/07/2014 23:28

Cannot believe anyone is saying YABU!

They could easily do this on a Saturday, ensuring working parents could attend, and excluding half the parents pretty much rams home the point.

Shock at it's not the school's fault if OP works.... Maybe the school could acknowledge the realities of the parents' lives a little? Not everyone can afford for one parent to be at home.

lornemalvo · 13/07/2014 23:32

Our school forms ask for a 'main contact'. I put me. Are you sure you didn't?

They can't really hold the picnic at night. I would take annual leave. If you cannot just ask the nanny. Is she not employed to do this type of thing?

EndoplasmicReticulum · 13/07/2014 23:36

Oh yes, school assumes you don't work. Or have the sort of job where you can get out to attend school events. PTA meetings are all at 9.30 am after dropping the kids off, in the local cafe.

My husband does the picking up and dropping off at school, as his job is far more flexible than mine. He wouldn't have gone to a welcome picnic with all the mums, he is antisocial.

I was very lucky when my children started school that my parents were retired and nearby, so they could attend all the assemblies and other events that I can't get to. They've now moved away but my children are now old enough to understand that there won't necessarily be someone there to watch them.

iK8 · 13/07/2014 23:37

YANBU to be annoyed. It should have gone to everyone.

However it may be that the timing is for a good reason. Do you have half day settling in sessions? If so this may be organised for straight after that when many people will pick up having booked time off specifically for that period - often this includes a significant number of dads. I know not everyone can attend stuff but often a significant proportion can during that particularly settling week.

In the circumstance a polite note explaining you can't attend due to work but your nanny X will be coming instead. I would also add that they seem to have only emailed half the parents by mistake and that they should send it to everyone so nobody misses out.

Then offer to organise a night out in the pub for everyone if you want to meet other parents at a convenient time.

Snowflakepie · 13/07/2014 23:43

I work weekends and evenings. Daytime works for me. We aren't all 9-5 anymore.

It's shit, yes, but that's life with kids. Send the nanny, DH, whoever. Grow a spine and get involved. Maybe if faces other than the SAHMs were there they might be able to organise other activities. As it is, those who are involved suit themselves.

Go, don't go, send someone else. Whatever. It seems a bit unnecessary to be complaining when it's a nice activity, but people have lives away from school too.

MrsFogi · 13/07/2014 23:46

Ah yes it always seems to be set up like that. I have generally simply emailed all early each term to see if anyone fancies going to the pub one evening - you won't get everyone but in general I've always found 5-10 people are up for it and the working mums are usually delighted to find something happening out of school hours. I do it once a term (do it in a friendly way so as not to put the class reps' backs up!). I wouldn't start eating into your annual leave for coffee mornings etc as you'll need that for school plays.

JassyRadlett · 13/07/2014 23:48

Grow a spine and get involved.

Where the hell did that come from, given that OP is irritated partly because things are organised around a long-dead stereotype if what every mother should be, making it harder for her to get inv

Icimoi · 13/07/2014 23:48

It's always irritated me that schools regularly seem to assume either that mothers don't work or that we can easily take leave. I've regularly come home from work to find a demand that we send the dc in the next day with some vital piece of equipment or clothing when it's just impossible. And don't get me started on parents' evenings that start at 4 pm.

JassyRadlett · 13/07/2014 23:48

...involved?

Christ, I hate MN on the iPhone.

RevoltingPeasant · 13/07/2014 23:48

Hmm okay the point about 9-5 is fair enough. But still shocked at emailing mums only. Wtf, does that mean that a widowed dad, say, just doesn't get told about this stuff?

Agree you should email pointing out that they inexplicably forgot half the parents.

JassyRadlett · 13/07/2014 23:51

It's probably too early to know whether 'we only do things during the day on weekdays' is a pattern or whether they'll show more flexibility as the year goes on.

Our nursery parent reps have set up a few family events at weekends - obviously, given the demographic. They were very well-attended, I can't imagine working parents will suddenly stop being interested in what their kids are doing and meeting other parents when their kids turn 5..,