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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by the assumption that mothers don't work?

149 replies

SuiGeneris · 13/07/2014 23:07

Just received first email from the class reps (DS starts reception in Sept): pre-start picnic for the children to get to know each other. What a good idea I thought. Until I saw the time: lunchtime on a Tuesday. Email addressed to mothers only even though the school circulated contact details for both parents. Closes with suggestion that those who cannot make it can meet at a coffee morning later on.

I can make neither- work is an hour away and I am out 7-6. Will DS be condemned to social isolation? Could DH attend (busy in this particular case but works nearer)? Could I send our nanny?

But, more to the point, AIBU to be annoyed at the assumption that mothers don't work? They didn't even cc the fathers!

OP posts:
Snatchoo · 13/07/2014 23:53

YANBU.

I work full time, DH is at home. It took at least four attempts at contacting me before they tried DH when one was ill, even though on the forms I'd put DH down as primary contact.

We also only seem to get maximum 4 days notice of thing happening (they do a termly assembly for parents). I've been able to rearrange and go to all of them, but this has only been down to luck to be honest.

Annoying.

williaminajetfighter · 13/07/2014 23:58

Yup it's annoying and got worse when we switched DD to a private school where more of the moms are SAH.

But I realized that most school activities happen during SCHOOL HOURS not at 7pm when I'm home from work so impossible to accommodate me!

I do try to attend various events on my lunch or by taking annual leave but attending everything would be a real bore and a chore! (This I know because I've had a year of mat leave and have had the time to do all the school stuff..)

Don't let it work you up too much but I would ask that both parents receive communiques from the school.

Mintyy · 14/07/2014 00:01

Yanbu. How was the email worded? "Dear Mums" ? if so that is pretty shocking. In our school we are always addressed as parents and carers. Do the class reps have email addresses for both of you?

There is absolutely no need whatsoever for your ds to attend this pre-starting picnic. It is just a bit of frivolity, don't give it a second thought.

But there's no reason why you shouldn't reply saying you would be grateful if emails from the class rep could be sent to both you and your dh and addressed to you both as well. I am sure you can word that reasonably without getting anyone's back up.

Verystickypaws · 14/07/2014 00:04

If you both work then attending these sorts of things is hard but I don't think it effects a child and their school life long time. They will make their own friends in their own time. It sounds more like a social gathering for the parents benefit. Give it's few hours into the school day and the kids won't care who they met at a picnic. You and you partner will need all you annual leave for the relentless tummy bugs and colds.

I've not had any communications from the school, PTA or other social group directed only at mothers. I would reply, nicely, pointing out that fathers also parent. Both parents may want to go, the dad could be the SAHP, both may work and not be able to make it. I've been to daytime school events where the nanny attends, it's all perfectly normal.

I did spend a couple of years trying to train one school not to call me first if there was a problem at school. I worked in environments where the signal was usually awful. I'd surface to the land of mobile reception to find missed calls and voice mails on my mobile, redirected voice mails from the land line at home. It wouldn't be until to they sounded really pissed would they think to contact my husband, who could work flexibly, with two mobiles with good reception and a work landline. It didn't matter how many times we asked for him to be the first contact.

NCFTTB · 14/07/2014 00:06

Sending your nanny will be fine, if you or your husband are unable to attend.

erin99 · 14/07/2014 00:11

Agree with you on the emails but re organising it during school hours, get used to it I'm afraid. Class assemblies, school assemblies when your child is picked for star learner, maths week activity with your child, literacy week ditto, science week ditto, world book fair thing, school picnic, choir recital. Plus school play and sports day obviously. Multiply all by the number of DC you have. It's the new normal.

Yes you can certainly send DH or your nanny. DH and I split everything to maximise our leave - the only things we both see are the christmas plays. DH would sooner die than do the coffee morning thing but I agree you all should be invited equally.

thecageisfull · 14/07/2014 00:13

They should've emailed everyone but there will not be a time that suits everyone. I would say less than half of my friends work 9-5 Mon-Fri. Evenings and weekends are bad for people who are off work but have other dcs to consider.
Maybe you could reply and ask if anyone wants to meet on a Sat morning and see if anyone takes you up on it because you won't be the only one who works weekdays.

Dc's school will only send text messages to one parent. Their swimming club will only email one parent. It's annoying but I assume that this type of admin is more of a pita than I realise.

Mintyy · 14/07/2014 00:16

When do you propose assemblies should take place erin?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/07/2014 00:29

I agree. I have taken off three days this month to attend the multiple events that appear to be essential for ds settling in. All at short notice, all just in conversation...

Argh! And yes, definite assumption that the mums are available and dads are not.

Verystickypaws · 14/07/2014 00:31

I don't think Erin is saying they should be at any other time tha school hours but it's just the way it is and it's tough when both parernts work. I did I find during the infant years that there were many of these special occasions.

I don't expect sports day to be anytime than between 9 and 3 but we're struggling for one of us to get there this year. It's not even seeing the sports but all the kids have a picnic with their families at lunch time.

Verystickypaws · 14/07/2014 00:32

Ahh typos.

myusernameis · 14/07/2014 00:43

Yanbu. They should definitely contact both parents not just the mums.

Happy36 · 14/07/2014 01:10

You are not being unreasonable. The school should have invited fathers and mothers (even if there is only space for one parent per child at the picnic - should be a choice / best fit according to timetables not automatically mothers) and they should apologise in their e-mail for the timing - I know the event is taking place during normal school hours but your child is not at school yet and therefore it is only courtesy to pre empt that the time may be inconvenient for many people.

slightlyglitterstained · 14/07/2014 01:51

YANBU. I can't imagine anything more unfriendly than saying "oh, and all fathers can fuck off" - whether intentional or not.

Just contacting mothers is such a pig ignorant obnoxious thing in my little part of the 21st century.

passmethewineplease · 14/07/2014 01:52

Hmm on my daughter's registration form they just ask for one email, and use that. Could this be what they do at your dc school instead of them just addressing mothers? Unless it said dear mum's..?

I think whatever time they pick it Will always be unsuitable for someone I guess.

Didactylos · 14/07/2014 02:08

I hate this assumption: we signed DS up to a local afterschool club

and the paperwork stated
we will contact numbers in the following order:
Mothers mobile, Mothers work, Home, Fathers mobile, fathers work, Emergency contact
I asked why this system was standard before pointing out that I am often entirely unable to either receive or answer a mobile call, or leave work rapidly due to my responsibilities while DH has a flexible job, constant phone access and in practice is the one who can rapidly leave work and attend any emergency

Apparently this had never came up before Hmm. So we had to write a big spiel about order of contact in emergency and just cross our fingers it gets noticed and adhered to if theres a problem.
Not a biggie but its the unconscious assumption that its just the womans problem and that her job is secondary round the mans job, that she can easily get time off/ leave work

Didactylos · 14/07/2014 02:09

my goodness, that was barely legible. Sorry Blush

splendide · 14/07/2014 06:23

I'm 7 months pregnant with my first and already stressing about this! DH is going to be a SAHD - is it really so unusual that the school will find it unimaginable? If they call me, they won't get me and if they do by some miracle then I'll be 2 hours away at work and DH will be 2 minutes away at home. It's also really mean and sexist to isolate the dads.

InternetFOREVER · 14/07/2014 06:34

Is this really such a big deal? Presumably the assumption is that parents communicate, and that if a school related email is sent to one parent then it will be discussed between them both if necessary. Certainly in our case (and we both work part time and share childcare) its much safer if the email comes to me than DH! Should the class rep really have to type out an extra 30 emails addresses? It sounds as if the event is for the children, regardless of who brings them, not a "mums only" event. It wouldn't ever cross my mind that receiving such an email is an assumption that mothers don't work!

InternetFOREVER · 14/07/2014 06:36

spendide I really wouldn't worry - due to our working days certain events tend to fall on DH's days, and he's never been the only dad there. In his experience dads get lots of extra praise/ special treatment rather than being isolated!

CrohnicallyExhausted · 14/07/2014 06:37

didactylos that's disgraceful. Surely the paperwork should just leave space for emergency contact numbers and let you put them in the order you want? I'm sure that's what happened on DD's nursery paperwork. And at the school I work at- if I need to phone a parent I try the numbers in the order they are listed (unless the child tells me 'Daddy's at home today' or similar) and only look at the name to see who I am supposed to be speaking to.

And while we're on the subject- I work in a school and so can only take term time leave in exceptional circumstances and with plenty of notice as it has to go through the governors. I don't think a school picnic will count.

VashtaNerada · 14/07/2014 06:43

YANBU. I keep seeing this assumption that mothers don't work cropping up. Our children's centre has a week of activities and one class on Saturday's "for the dads". FFS. I literally don't know any mothers who don't work (although admittedly most of my friends are through work!)

VivaLeBeaver · 14/07/2014 06:58

Yanbu.

I had this for years, thankfully dd is now at secondary school so have gone past all this crap.

I also had the problems of school assuming Id be first contact in case of emergencies. They were very huffy when I told them unless dd was heading for hospital to never ring me and ring dh instead. I made this very clear on the form but they'd still try ringing me and I'd get 5 missed calls before they'd ring dh.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/07/2014 07:00

It is absolutely standard for activities related to children to have one contact email address for all non-urgent information, emergency contacts are an entirely separate matter. If this has been sent by a PTA member then that is a busy parent doing the organising in their own time, not a paid member of staff. It's a school event therefore it's in school hours. You don't have to go. Amongst my DCs friends parents nearly all the mums work but very few work 9-5 weekdays, most have p/t or flexible jobs.

As for school text services, they pay per recipient so I'm not surprised they only send tgem to one parent. At our school you can request official school info be sent to both parents (intended for those families where the parents do not live together) but it is an opt-in, the default assumption is that families speak to one another.

jaynebxl · 14/07/2014 07:05

Yanbu about only contacting mums, that's ridiculous. I'd get dh to email and say don't forget the dads. Sounds more positive like a keen interest if he replies.
Yabu to blame the school. The class reps emailed the mums, not the whole school.
Yabu to blame the reps for doing the meet-up in school time. No time works for everyone and they have at least done something. There will be a lot of people who could make it work either through not working, working part time or being able to use some flexi time. And I'm sure the reps would be more than happy for you to suggest a pub night. You never know, they may have one planned already. And it may well be on a night you do something already. My experience is that having a child at school involves lots of juggling and rearranging.