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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed by the assumption that mothers don't work?

149 replies

SuiGeneris · 13/07/2014 23:07

Just received first email from the class reps (DS starts reception in Sept): pre-start picnic for the children to get to know each other. What a good idea I thought. Until I saw the time: lunchtime on a Tuesday. Email addressed to mothers only even though the school circulated contact details for both parents. Closes with suggestion that those who cannot make it can meet at a coffee morning later on.

I can make neither- work is an hour away and I am out 7-6. Will DS be condemned to social isolation? Could DH attend (busy in this particular case but works nearer)? Could I send our nanny?

But, more to the point, AIBU to be annoyed at the assumption that mothers don't work? They didn't even cc the fathers!

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 14/07/2014 07:06

The class reps emailed the mums, not the whole school.

By this I mean it was the reps not the school office who emailed. Just to avoid ambiguity.

NutellaLawson · 14/07/2014 07:12

Same here re the children's centre. And it's not just poor wording, either. I asked about attending but was told no. It's for male carers, dads and grandads only. Grandads ffs, who may not even be working!

Is there anything offered to working mothers? Is there fuck.
Back to the school issue, addressing these social or emergency stuff to mothers only is the same sexist shite as when banks etc address things to the Mr for everything and assume all major decisions have to go through the man.

ElizabethMedora · 14/07/2014 07:21

splendide I wouldn't worry - our school has a real mix of parents & roles, your DH being a sahd wouldn't stand out at all. We have recently switched roles from me being SAHm to DH being SAHD & it hasn't presented any problems at all.

As for the picnic - yes, they should have emailed all parents. But whenever you organise an event it won't suit someone. Email back saying nicely that you can't make that but will take responsibility for organising a weekend event/evening event for those who can't make day times.

cheminotte · 14/07/2014 07:27

The mum organising the picnic will have done it at a time that suits her. What do you want to get out of it? If its for your dc to meet other children send him with the nanny but lots will have been at the same toddler group then pre-school anyway so know each other already, both my dc are much better in 1:1 situations than large groups. If its for you , then organise a trip to the pub in September.

Ds's school asks for contact 1 and contact 2 and presumably contacts in this order.They did once try me, then left a message on landline which we did not pick up, but did not try dp's phone at all.

Chocovore · 14/07/2014 07:33

Nothing stopping you organising a get together. I feel sorry for the Class Rep.

HaPPy8 · 14/07/2014 07:36

Are you sure they don't just have a primary contact and then a second one for emergencies? They probably just emailed the first contact written down for each pupil.

YABU about the time though. What sort of time would you expect a preschool picnic to take place? Of course its going to be at lunchtime.

HibiscusIsland · 14/07/2014 07:39

Either send the nanny or organise a weekend picnic yourself (although that will exclude people who work at weekends of course!)

Beautifulmonster · 14/07/2014 07:45

It is really difficult for working mums to be involved in the life of their dc's school. I would try to send a family member (or the nanny) to everything you are invited to though.

I think you're right that primary schools do not take account of mums who work. I find it amazing that so many mums don't work in my dc's two schools.

JoeyMaynardsghost · 14/07/2014 07:50

Welcome to the world of school politics. You'll get the SAHMs congregating by the gate chatting, the working mums dropping off and running as they've to be at work for 9 and ne'er the twain shall meet.

The PTA advertised for new members, DP and I attended the meeting and volunteered us both as I finished work every day at 2:30pm and DP worked shifts so 3 out of 4 weeks was available every afternoon/evening and they rejected us both as we had other commitments. No appeal process, just NO. We were not the only parents rejected on similar grounds then they sent out a note saying there would be no summer fete or other events as there was no parental interest in the PTA.

RelocatorRelocator · 14/07/2014 07:51

If this has been sent by a PTA member then that is a busy parent doing the organising in their own time, not a paid member of staff.

^ This.

I'm pretty sure it was just sent to one parent contact to reduce the amount of typing required. Just send dh or the nanny, it will be fine.

ElizabethMedora · 14/07/2014 07:58

Joey they rejected you?! I have never heard of a PTA that had a closed membership. That's bizarre.

I will quickly add though that the MN experience of bitchy PTAs and school gate cliques has not been my experience - nor that of friends at other schools - so new starters, please just go in assuming everyone is friendly & pleasant & you will probably find that is the case!

Bunbaker · 14/07/2014 08:06

"And don't get me started on parents' evenings that start at 4 pm."

Why not? I work part time. I take the 4pm slot so that it frees up the later slots for those who are at work.

You are now making the assumption that all parents work full time.

Wordsmith · 14/07/2014 08:18

If you work full time then you'll just have to accept that you'll miss out on a lot of these events. I'm now self-employed but when I worked for someone else the juggling and organisation involved to get to plays, special assemblies and the like - especially at this time of year - was a PITA. One of the reasons I went freelance.

If you have a nanny then she/he will be picking your child up and dropping him off so it probably makes sense for her/him to go along to the picnic.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/07/2014 09:17

I'd far rather go to a parents evening at 4pm than 7pm and yes I do work. Anyway, they do run till 7pm, so it keeps most people happy.

No experience of bitchy PTA and cliques at my DCs school either. Plenty of the working mums have time for 5 mins chat, plenty of the SAHMs dash off to walk the dogs or whatever, we really don't live up to MN cliches.

NotNewButNameChanged · 14/07/2014 09:30

Happy days of the late 70s and early 80s when our infants and primary schools had no teaching assistants or class reps or parents playing politics.

What the hell IS a class rep, anyway? Do they actually serve a useful purpose?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/07/2014 09:34

In our school the class reps act as a link between the PTA committee and the members, so they organise helpers for class stalls at the summer fair, help in the classroom with children making stuff to sell at the Christmas Fair etc and run one cake sale per year per class. They are the person you speak to catch if you want to offer to help with something or have any queries about a PTA event. They don't organise parents meetups etc.

erin99 · 14/07/2014 09:36

Thank you verystickypaws, exactly that. Mintyy of course all these things need to be in school time. But when you're used to nursery, which is much more geared around the fact that you (both) work, it's a culture shift. I thought all those settling sessions were especially inconvenient at the time, but now I have 2 in infant school I realise it's just the way it is throughout infants. Sometimes we just can't make it. And in this case it wouldn't be the end of the world.

splendide no, chances are it'll be fine. Our school would not find it unimaginable. And the OP's example is just one person on the PTA, typing out a long list of email addresses. Of course it doesn't mean dads aren't welcome.

TheBogQueen · 14/07/2014 09:45

It's just one of those things

If you work you have to pick and choose what you can attend

Don't criticise PTA many are SAHM or pt working mothers , some may have commitments at w/e

BlinkingHeck · 14/07/2014 09:48

OP why don't you volunteer to be a class rep as well, so that you can organise something more suitable?

x2boys · 14/07/2014 09:54

But op your guilty of assuming that if mothers do work they work k Mon to Fri nine until five well some of us don't I,m a nurse I work shifts evenings ,early i frequently work weekends so tbh these class reps can't please everyone !

OnlyLovers · 14/07/2014 09:54

It's not 'just one of those things', it's a huge assumption. I found this utterly depressing to read, along with the post about the Saturday class 'for the dads'.

How the fuck are the pupils supposed to learn about equality if their school is run along 1950s lines?

I'd write or talk to the school about it.

Tournesol · 14/07/2014 09:55

It is rubbish, especially the not inviting Dads. There is a SAHD in my son's class and I don't think it is that unusual.

That said I work freelance from home as with 3 kids I am always getting called to go into school for something or other and if I wasn't close by dunno how we would cope.

Mintyy · 14/07/2014 10:06

I'd love the op to come back with some more details about who the email was actually from and how it was addressed.

Splendide please don't say you are seriously "stressing" about this when you haven't even had the baby yet?

Your circumstances could be different by the time he/she gets to 5 years old and, anyway, as has been said several times, if you want your dh to be the main point of contact between your family and school then put him down as Contact #1 on every form you are asked to fill in! Not difficult.

BranchingOut · 14/07/2014 10:12

The email was sent out by an individual, not by 'the school'.

Moreover, an individual doing a rather thankless task voluntarily - so do reply suggesting another date and including fathers in the invitation, but please tread gently!

lljkk · 14/07/2014 10:18

If they held their meet up in evening or weekend day time, many fewer people would turn up. Can't blame them for choosing a time they know to be convenient for most, and certainly convenient for those who have a track record of turning up and helping out.