To be annoyed by the assumption that mothers don't work?

[SuiGeneris]

Just received first email from the class reps (DS starts reception in Sept): pre-start picnic for the children to get to know each other. What a good idea I thought. Until I saw the time: lunchtime on a Tuesday. Email addressed to mothers only even though the school circulated contact details for both parents. Closes with suggestion that those who cannot make it can meet at a coffee morning later on.

I can make neither- work is an hour away and I am out 7-6. Will DS be condemned to social isolation? Could DH attend (busy in this particular case but works nearer)? Could I send our nanny?

But, more to the point, AIBU to be annoyed at the assumption that mothers don't work? They didn't even cc the fathers!

Interesting selection of opinions.

A few clarifications are I think in order

1. am not complaining about the picnic taking place at lunchtime, just at it being a lunchtime on a Tuesday. Surely a Saturday or Sunday was feasible and would have allowed all to participate?

2. the event is not organised by the school therefore does not have to take place in school time.

3. we will send our nanny and pop along for 15 minutes if schedules allow.

4. sending other family not an option as the nearest are over 2 hours away and frail. The healthy ones would need to jump on a plane, which is a bit excessive for a picnic.

5. I am not complaining and am not concerned about my social interaction with parents, whom I can meet at school events later on. I am concerned about DS turning up at school having missed an event most of his new classmates have been to and am concerned about him missing out if our nanny does not manage to socialise with the mothers etc.

6. not everyone has flexitime or can work part-time. My and DH's jobs simply do not exist as part-time and we are required to work all hours that are required to get the job done.

7. that in this day and age one should assume that only mothers are involved in the children's care and that they are available for events in the middle of the working week is simply depressing. DH and I are 50/50 parents, in similar jobs and with similar interests, top of which is our children's well being. Surely we cannot be unique?

jaynebxlgreat idea re getting DH to answer. I will do.

A Saturday or Sunday would be feasible but it would involve volunteers giving up their family time and possibly having to find childcare in order to run an event entirely for other people's benefit, I suspect volunteers would have been a bit thin on the ground. Also they may not be able to use the school grounds, toilets etc at a weekend, which adds another layer of complication. At the pre-start picnic at my DCs school (which is organised by the school, not the PTA) the teachers and teaching assistants attend too, so that the parents and children can meet them informally, that would be unlikely to happen at a weekend too. So unless it is just a case of them sending out a time and the name of the local park to meet up in with no input from the school or PTA on the day then it would be harder at the weekend.

You won't be the only family where both parents work full time during the week, your DS will probably never realise he hasn't been to this event because there will be so much else going on once he finally starts school. I know it feels as though they are missing out, but I don't think it will make any difference in the grand scheme of things.

I genuinely don't think your DS will be even remotely disadvantaged by not going. The children are 4 years old, they don't form lasting friendships after running round a park together for two hours. Half of them won't even remember each other on the first day of term.

My boy went to preschool with a lot of his classmates but his favourite friends are children he hadn't met until the day they started school.

Did this come from me?? Seriously I sent text message out yesterday to parents of children starting school with my dd in September. I picked a time & date that I could do - I knew full well that not everyone would be able to attend, but if i picked an alternative then my dd wouldn't have been able to go!

Only difference with me is that I specified that I only contacted people I had numbers for & to pass the message on to the person bringing the child if person I messaged wasn't able to come.

You simply can't please everyone.

Why would you think that having something on a Sat or Sun would allow everyone to participate? The world does not stop on the weekend, some people actually work then too. You know, those people who sell you things in shops and bring you your food in cafés, deliver your post and see your children if they are ill on the weekend. It is impossible to find a time to suit everyone. If you struggle with this then you will struggle for the whole of your children's primary school. There are going to be lots of things held during term time during the day.

To reply to OP's points

• As many people would not be able to get to a Saturday picnic as to a Tuesday picnic

• your DS will not miss out by having missed one picnic, chances are half the children won't even remember it when they start at school

• it's true not everyone has flexitime or can work part time but equally not everyone has a Monday-Friday 9-5 (+commute) type job. Certainly at my DC's school, the number of families with 2 parents who work full time during the day is considerably less than the number of families where one parent works evenings or weekends or both parents work shifts round each other.

Many parents will also have other children to consider (or are siblings allowed?)- at least if you normally work, you can be sure that childcare for your other children is already in place!

As I see it if you work FT or fixed or long days p/t you've got three choices when your DCs start in primary school.

1. Opt for either or both of you working around the school calendar, go to most of the events, do your own pickups etc.
2. Carry on with your normal work hours and use after school club, CM or nanny and accept that you won't be going to most of the events.
3. Try and do both and get really stressed about it all.

I did 3 for the first year then realised that it was completely wrong for me and opted for 1. Within a year or two of starting school I found that most of the other families were doing 1 as well. The sexist part is that it's nearly always the mothers doing all the running around, but there are a lot of fathers doing drop-offs at least some of the time, working from home one day a week so they can go to school events etc too. I realise that isn't an option for everyone, but you've got 7 years of this, more if you have more than one DC, carrying on with 3 is not in anyone's best interests.

I think it is more likely that they just put in the first email for each child - although I am sure that they won't mind adding your dh to the list. I am surprised that the school circulate the email addresses to everyone. Parent reps here have to collect them independently due to data protection.

I organise events around what works for me - I work when ds in nursery and Saturdays, so after nursery is perfect for me. Evenings are a problem for single parents. We generally have a mixture of different times/ venues and I am sure you will in due course. Just ask the nanny to take him - that is the bonus of having a nanny, though I am not sure what you mean about schedules allowing it. Surely she will take him if you ask her to.

I am also fairly certain that they will be biting your hand off when you volunteer to take over for yr 1.

I find it a bit odd that given all the comments on the thread regarding the different kinds of working patterns and the op's own outrage at her circumstances not being accommodated she has ignored all that and is just seeing things from her own perspective by suggesting a Saturday or Sunday

I also think it is a terrible idea to get your dh who wasn't on the original email to contact the poor volunteer who has organised this and yes, has made a bit of a cock up by just inviting the mothers, but equally is learning as they go and has no support or guidance. Maybe the last time they came into contact with a primary school was when they went to one in the 70s and that's why they've done this? Who knows?

Don't get dh to email. It's passive aggressive and unnecessary. Either politely email back to point out what should be (but clearly isn't) blindingly obvious or email back pretending you think it's just an innocent mistake.

Please remember there is a person at the end of this just doing their best and getting a ticking off email from someone's dh is just needlessly upsetting.

Then we wonder why it's hard to get people to volunteer for the PTA.

If I came on here and stumbled on a thread roundly criticising an event I'd been organising with the purpose of helping other families I'd probably never help with a voluntary organisation again.

When I repped I nearly got lynched for asking for dads' email addresses - one classic was "my husband would be really cross if he started getting these emails". We had a list which went to the main point of contact (mum in most cases but also one dad and a couple of nannies).

The reps will have picked the first email on their list - if you want emails to go to your dh instead just ask them.

A class rep is doing this voluntarily to try and get people together and help out. I have been on a picnic like this years ago when my dc started reception and yes, it was a weekday lunchtime and actually 100% of the attendee parents were women. The rep is just probably trying to get the job done to the best of their ability. You be the rep if you want to dictate, otherwise accept someone's efforts with good grace and go if you want or can. In actual fact, it will make sod all difference to your ds's social standing so you should just forget it if you can't go.

Whatever day and time it is, you can't please everybody. The rep has gone with a good option and you would be VU to make a complaint about it.

It is only one event out of probably many. One person doing this for the first time has screwed up a bit with the mums assumption but she's probably new to this too. Maybe her circle of friends since she had her DC has been all SAHMs so far.

If you encounter resistance to inviting anyone else but mums, or all events organised by school/PTA/random parents are on a midweek lunchtime, you will be entitled to start getting pissed off, but it's too soon to decide if this is going to be the case yet.

I like BranchingOut's suggested reply at 11:29 yesterday. You can make the less enlightened aware that not everyone's circumstances are the same without getting anyone's backs up.

Yanbu this used to drive me bonker. Also the fact that we were form mums, not class parents. Nearly 8y later it is getting better I think. In my eldest dc class I was one of a couple of working mothers. Third dc starts in September and we are now class parents, there are dads who are 50/50 or more with childcare and virtually all the mothers work in some form or another. Society is changing slowly, I think (where I am anyway)

Still class picnics and, to be fair, I don't really see why they can't do things on a nice sunny afternoon if they don't have to be at work. At my DC school many mums take the afternoon off and meet the others at the park later. And the non working mums are generally very good about taking the ones whose mums are working along sometimes.

Generally, you are right though, its all still about the bloody mothers! Holiday childcare is the bane of my life, DP doesn't lose any sleep over it.

Getting dh to reply and ask to go on mailing list isn't pasdive aggressive. It's avoiding any conflict by letting him flag up his own interest.

It is when he wasn't on the original email. It will obviously have been forwarded and discussed and made into a big thing.

Best to just keep it low key and friendly. Particular if he's not actually planning to go either.

No. It will obviously have been forwarded and discussed. Full stop. And that's fine. It would be perfectly normal for it to be forwarded and discussed and for the dad to say I'd like to subscribe to this mailing list too.

Erm, ok. I respectfully disagree :)

At our primary school many, many parents seem to share pick up /drop off between them. Many dads attend 'events' such as sports day.

In fact when I think about it, there are plenty of dads who work part time/compressed hours. At our school there isn't an immediate assumption that that 'mums' will be involved - parents/carers are asked to sign up fur various things.

Our school is unusual perhaps - it do employs a lot if male teachers ie dd2 has only had one female teacher in five years at primary level.

And many public services such as nhs/retail/ police work weekends. I fix fur years.

You can't please everyone

For goodness sake chill, treat yourself, take a day off and go spend some time with your child???? Take the Nanny with you so you can introduce her as she will be the one at schol more often.

Is one day too much to ask? I used to plan in days off to have for important school stuff. Working far away is no excuse in my book. Your child it is for you to go sometimes and be there for them.

Lots of people work weekends OP. Especially women. So you are still be unreasonable about the tuesday lunchtime.

YABU to assume that Saturday would be a better day. Many parents work outside 9-5 nowadays. It really needs to be when most people can make it and that is likely to be mid week due to people's weekend commitments.

YANBU to think that they should have included the fathers in the list, however, I have never ever seen a father at a day time event. It is always nanny's, SAHM, part time, flexi-time mums that attend. Often some mum's or nanny's will help out and take an extra child of the parents who work full time or have older/younger siblings that need to be somewhere else.

If I was in your shoes I would take a few hours out of work if at all possible because it's a great chance to meet the other parents.