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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to think that 35 is too old...

465 replies

teeththief · 10/07/2014 23:38

...have another baby?

OP posts:
Delphiniumsblue · 13/07/2014 06:43

People also have second marriages. Of my friends, the youngest age to have a baby was 24 yrs- but she also had one aged 44yrs.

melissa83 · 13/07/2014 08:20

It does seem that way in London delphiniumsmum. Im down South but a long way from London. It doesnt seem very appealing to live there from what I read on here or see on tv. No one can have children until they are old, or they cant afford them on 2, 3, 4k+, or people have to live with their parents in their 20s, or the housing is really expensive but in a dangerous place. There must be some appeal to living there but I cant see it!

melissa83 · 13/07/2014 08:23

Re affording it. I think it comes from being in a cheaper area but building up whilst the children are young rather than being in the exact right place before you start. Our lives are very different from when we had our first at 23 until now.

TheBookofRuth · 13/07/2014 09:40

The appeal of living in London, well let me see, there's the...

....theatre, music, nightlife, galleries, architecture, food, shopping, jobs, convenience, people, scenery, history, heritage, the melting pot of just about every different culture you can imagine, and the sheer bloody vibrancy of living in a major capital city. I've lived in a lot of different places and travelled a fair bit (another benefit of not having kids in my 20s, I had the time and money to do so); and only place I've been to which equals it in terms of buzz is Manhattan.

I wouldn't give up my 20s and early 30s experience of living and working in London for anything, and I hope my children get to do something similar. If they chose instead to have kids young of course I'd support them and love my grand kids to death, but on some level I'd feel like they'd missed out.

Delphiniumsblue · 13/07/2014 10:04

I suppose it depends on whether you want to have children first and then do it all or vice versa. I couldn't afford it earlier, didn't meet the right person early- but even if I had I would have chosen to do lots of things first.

melissa83 · 13/07/2014 11:59

Ive just done the lot anyway eg lived abroad, worked round the country, studied 2 degrees etc, worked full time, travelled through work and out of it but Ive got dh so have been able to do what I like really.

I used to live and work in the home counties and was in London a lot but still dont see the appeal personally.

CharmQuark · 13/07/2014 12:05

"many women stupidly believe its impossible for them to get pregnant. "

And this in the context of a) constant trotting out of fertility stats based on the last time contraception was unavailable b) nonsense routinely made up and misinterpreted and published by the DM, as explained a post below that post, and loads of anecdotal discussion about the dangers of leaving childbearing too late.

The word 'stupidly' is unreasonable.

The basic facts are well known, the general over view that fertility will decrease with age is not in doubt.

It's bad enough the stuff the press churn out about how women ought to and should live their lives (irrespective of men's apparent perma-lad state - after all they can always net a young woman in their late middle age, can't they?) but the level of judgemental and patronising talk of other women, by women on this thread is dispiriting.

I had my first baby in my 40s - the booking in midwife leaned forwards and in full head-tilt mode said 'and how long did it take you to conceive?' clearly preparing for a long tale of IVF and mcs...she sat up sharpish when I said 'about 15 minutes, I think'. But I am not advocating that any woman who has conception as a priority waits until her late 30s or 40s to do so - I'm not advocating that women do anything other than respond to the circumstances in their own lives and use their intelligence and common sense to make choices based on genuine information, not trumped up patronising headlines.

Women have always conceived and been good mothers over the whole 30 ish years of their fertile life. It is one of women's strengths and opportunities that they have the fertile and childbearing ability to be both mothers and grandmothers at the same age, and this has always been the case. Let's trust and admire each other rather than cast judgey comments on what people 'ought' to do with their lives.

squizita · 13/07/2014 15:25

There must be some appeal to living there but I cant see it!

Hmm Those of us born and raised there for several generations? And might know a bit more than the TV?

A few of my friends' parents come from smaller towns in the SE and their ideas of London appears to be junkies, riots and other 'extremes' oh and for some reason some of the mention people who aren't white and homosexuals too as if these people are in some way anything except normal. Based on that I could stereotype that everyone outside London is a bit credulous and old fashioned but I don't.

Or maybe we should uproot ourselves to the country/concrete 'new towns' so we can have kids in our mid 20s, because some randoms tell use they think it's wrong otherwise.
Not that it would make any difference if you had a health issue or no partner in your 20s, of course. You'd just end up offending them anyway. Because of course they constantly ignore the fact that the 35 year thing is a red herring: not everyone has a choice based on house prices etc' -no man to help make the baby, or recovering from a health issue so told not to ... these are NOT age related. Far easier to think we're silly older people, spoiling it for everyone by doing something different and taking a risk you wouldn't!! Waah! Shock That's just WRONG though isn't it. People living their lives differently to you.

squizita · 13/07/2014 15:29

Women have always conceived and been good mothers over the whole 30 ish years of their fertile life. It is one of women's strengths and opportunities that they have the fertile and childbearing ability to be both mothers and grandmothers at the same age, and this has always been the case.

EXACTLY.
The recent thing is the standard 2-kid-family where people tend to have them at the start of when they always would have historically, or the end. Back when people had 10 kids it would be start at 20, end at 40 and hardly a period in between no thanks.

Delphiniumsblue · 13/07/2014 17:15

Doing my family history all my ancestors were producing children well after the age of 35yrs. The eldest were married and having children of their own when the parents were still having babies.

squizita · 13/07/2014 17:25

Delphinium Exactly. Long lists of great aunts and uncles with 20-30 years between the 1st and the last! It's a Catholic thing, in my case

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 13/07/2014 21:12

I was one of those stupid older women who believed all the hype about fertility falling off a cliff at 35. That's why 10 years later I played fast and loose with contraception and found myself unexpectedly pg.

Pregnancy was a doddle and I've not been anymore tired than any of the other mothers at school. I do sport with dc, play endless silly games, dress up and generally make a fool of myself. I'm old enough not to give a damn about what other people think of me when I'm up the climbing frame or whatever.

I'm not trying to be dc's best mate - my role is mum. Which means to me being aware of the latest fads, pop groups, fashions etc but remembering how cringeworthy it was when parents tried to be hip, cool & trendy.

Badvoc2 · 13/07/2014 21:31

My mum was born on her eldest sisters 21st birthday.
It wasn't unusual before the advent of contraception.

Robstersgirl · 13/05/2015 14:55

YANBU I'm 35 and 33 weeks. I am too old for this....

Happybodybunny12 · 13/05/2015 14:59

Oldest dc at 23, baby 4 at 36.

Would hate to live in London though Grin

HelenF350 · 13/05/2015 14:59

Yabu. I am 35, almost 36 dc1 is due in 6 weeks.

morethanpotatoprints · 13/05/2015 15:03

I had dd at 38, there are 12/13 years between oldest and her.
best mistake we ever made Grin

What is annoying are the people who presumed she was a result of a second marriage/ partnership and her dad was different to the other 2.
Nothing wrong with this for people for whom it is true, it's the presumption that annoyed me.

Jelliebabe1 · 13/05/2015 16:00

Yep YABU I am 40 and having my first two! (will be 41 when they arrive)

Boredworkingmum020 · 08/07/2015 21:33

Not at all had my son at 36 (got pregnant at 35) and now ttc at 39. There are pluses and minuses with parenthood at any age. People I went to school with are now grandparents. What's right for one isn't right for another.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 08/07/2015 22:10

I had first at 36 and second at 38. 2 easy pregnancies.
35 not too old at all. Go for it!!

Pedestriana · 08/07/2015 22:16

I had my only child at 42. Extremely easy pregnancy, but it did take years to get pregnant.

I've got friends who are grandparents, but I also have friends of a similar age, with similarly aged DCs.

RockinHippy · 11/07/2015 13:43

Absolutely not - unless you don't want to of course.

I had DD naturally at 42, easy pregnancy & a natural birth too.

HelenF35 · 11/07/2015 13:54

I just had ds1 10 days ago, I'm 36 next month. I don't feel too old.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 11/07/2015 14:00

Its not too old for other people, but Im 36 and have 3 DCs and feel too old now, but that's probably more to do with the fact I have 3 DCs rather than my actual age. I certainly wouldn't think someone else was too old to have a child at 35 or older.

DimpleHands · 11/07/2015 14:03

YABU. 35 is not even close to being too old. 45? Maybe.

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