AIBU to think that 35 is too old...

[teeththief]

...have another baby?

Its obviously personal opinion but its not that you feel or look old at 35 or even 40 but if you have a child at 35 and your child does at same age you will be 70. If you both have children at 40 you will be 80. That is the reason the majority of people in rl would prefer children younger. It cant always be helped though I expect we will have another and Im going to be over 30 but I woulf prefer before 35 and late 30s if I can help it.

Aside from all the 'I had a child at 40 and I'm fine, I feel better than I did at 23, I am in the best shape of my life, it doesn't feel any different having children aged 35 than it did when I was 20' etc etc, do any of you have experience of having had older parents?

My mum was older when she had me and my brother. Itwas really rare in my day. She still acts young and looks young but I purposely started having children early for that reason.

I just think that having children late shouldn't be generalised as something that everyone should go for, because of course everyone's circumstances are different. I know older mothers who are mistaken for their children's grandparents. While that won't bother some, it does upset others a great deal. I just think it's important to weigh it up.

Melissa I think that's a bit of a generalisation. I could argue the opposite because most of people (in RL) I know did not want children before 35 because they wanted an established career and stable financial position (not saying this is what everyone should do or that it takes everyone till their mid to late 30s to achieve this. Each to their own as far as I am concerned).

I certainly wanted to be in a position where I didn't need to rely on DHs earnings to provide my child/children with everything they wanted or needed. I always said I wouldn't have a child unless I could cope financially for everything on my own. So I waited till I was in that position at 37.

Thinking about it I think I only know two people my age who had a chid/children in their 20s.

I think times have changed and a lot of people wait.

"do any of you have experience of having had older parents?"

Me, Miss!!!!!!! Me!!!!!!!!!!

My parents got their first mortgage at 21, dh and I were 18 and 19 so not much difference. They just waited a very long time for children whereas I didnt. My mum says it makes more of a difference as you get older eg grandchildren age than when you are a mum. Everyones opinion is going to be different which is fair enough but it definitely influenced my choices.

Dh's mother was 42 when she had him (he was an 'afterthought' after a 10year gap ) and seeing pictures of her at that age, she was old and v middle-aged in her outlook. She (and DH) struggled through his teenaged years.
Having said that, when I met her in her mid-60s she did not appear much older than 20+ years earlier and when she died last week at 85 looked v good for her age. The dementia otoh was less nice to watch .
But her cognitive decline had only become apparent in the last couple of years. As opposed to my friend's mother who is now living in a specialist dementia unit at the age of 56 . She had my friend when she was 20.

What I am trying to say, there are never any guarantees. We all make our choices and then hope that Life allows us to fulfil them.

Yes, my mum was 39ish (year out maybe) and I can't remember thinking she was old. I am the youngest of three.

I have never once been mistaken for a grandparent!
Some people are 'old' at 20 and some are 'young' at 40- it is attitude of mind.
Anyone would think it uncommon! At my NCT group one new mother was apologising for being a bit old and it turned out she was one of the youngest in the room!
Even more so now that there is student debt and unaffordable mortgages.
I don't see how you can come out of university, get started on a career, get married and afford to have a home and children. My youngest is 23yrs - he had to live with us for a year job hunting- he is now in London and his rent takes most of his earnings. Even if he wanted to have a family he just couldn't possibly! No way! Unlikely before at least 30yrs.

All our parent will (hopefully) get old. It's a fact of life.
Is it worse to care for ageing parents when you are still young or when you yourself are also a pensioner?

My H is only 16 years younger than my mum. If she lives as long as my great grandma, he will be looking after a 94yo when he's 78.

I don't think there's any winners either way.

My mum is 72 and looks after my severely demented gran who 101.
It's v hard on my mother tbh.

do any of you have experience of having had older parents?

Yes and an older grandparent too.
Due to husband in the army and health issues, my gran couldn't have my mum until she was 34.
My mum then had all her kids in her 30s, because she wanted to.

My gran was indeed about 70 when I was born. I remember her taking me hiking, taking me for long day trips out, having all of us grandkids to stay a week at a time and never batting an eyelid. She died in her late 80s, and TBH although sad I was a teenager and could both handle it and knew she'd had a full life. My grandfather died before I was born - at the age of 50. Life can be cruel: had he had my mum younger he still would have died much too young to know me.

My mum had us in her 30s. She seems to have found pregnancy and birth dauntingly easy(!!) and cannot advise me on sickness, exhaustion etc' because she had none. She had savings so she could take a few years (not months) off when we were born a good CV behind her so when we went to school she got a job and I'm always grateful for the comfortable life we had (though we weren't super well off we always had an annual holiday and a nice Xmas). She has always been (and still is) quite on-trend and into music and TV. All my mates as kids loved coming to our house and as a teen and into my 20s she was not seen as a stuffy mum at all, quite the opposite she was "chilled" in the eyes of my mates. I have been on holiday with her to Zante when she was in her 50s and she was the one who stayed in the pub till the end of the night then shook me awake to go on the boat cruise in the morning then the BBQ in the afternoon. She is still going strong now in her mid/late 60s, and her biggest gripe is she sometimes has to wear an ankle support.

I have no reservations at all about my children being born to me at this age, as a result.

Delphiniumsblue
Some women's fertility drops off like a cliff at 35. You were lucky, but there are a few unlucky women who go through an early menopause.

There is very little data on how fertilty declines with age. I imagine with better diets and less physical work our fertility will probably last longer.

I have experience of having younger parents.
My DM and DF had three of us by the time they were 25 & 23.

It wasn't a bundle of laughs.
I lost my dad when I was in my early 30s.

DH was the youngest of a huge family. His dad was in his 50s when DH was born.
He lost his dad when he was in his early 30s too.

Life you see, shit happens.

There is a lot of weighing up to do when you decide to have children. Important stuff. Some random thinking you are a grandmother is not important.

Fact is I am old enough to be a grandmother and have been for a while now. Why should I care that someone thinks 'ooh she looks old enough to have had a child and for that child to have had a child'

Really It is a few though. And the whole "35" thing is a dangerous red herring because many women think of it like a deadline and don't watch for signs etc' before or after.
I researched this when very worried about my health preventing me from carrying any more than 1/10 pregnancies to term (thankfully I now have treatment that sorts this out, but then I did not). The general consensus was the very first thing you should do is to look to your maternal genetic heritage. Then there are various other tests which can be done. Reassuringly, I was found to have plenty of time and indeed I conceived within 2 months of my treatment (for a non-fertility related problem: a blood disorder) starting.

For the majority of women, it's all OK up to at least 40 or further.
For a minority it declines (but not always off a cliff) at around 35-38. Of course the fertility before then is relevant: if you're super fertile, it might mean it now takes 3 months, if sub fertile, it's far more of an issue.
For some the issues start early or have always been there... and at least one woman I know with this issue feels angry and frustrated that everyone bands around 35 so she never realised what she needed to look out for. She feels that it misrepresents the issue entirely and women and men should be encouraged to know their bodies and plan accordingly: not dumbly believe it will be 'OK until 35, bad after' because that scares some women and leaves others in blissful ignorance.

44 when I had DS, my only child. He was not planned but I had a problem-free pregnancy and delivery thankfully.
I have never been mistaken for his gran (but live in fear that I will be one day!)

Go for it OP

According to the Daily mail 1 in 20 women suffer an early menopause.

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2012021/1-20-women-hit-early-menopause-Doctors-baffled-rising-numbers-40s-affected.html

Thankfully they are a minority but it must be utterly wretched if you are infertile in your late 30s and want children. 1 in 20 is a small risk, but nevertheless a risk.

I think if the OP wants another child then she should go for it. Plenty of women have healthy children in their late 30s.

Really the Daily Mail is not a good source for medical advice, particularly not for women's health. I know someone who wrote for them. She would be given a brief and trawl study after study, no matter whether discredited or not - and 'paid on the books' doctors to give soundbites. Basically they said what their editors wanted.
But yes it would be something like 1/20 (I was told 1/30 by a specialist) and it's not so much risen as become more apparent as in the past women may have had their 2.4 kids already and would just quietly give up - there was nothing to do. Now, because there is IVF etc' these women are more apparent as they go to their Dr and ask for treatment.

It depends what you read. The last article I read said that there was a huge increase in abortions for the 38- 46 group because they believed all they read about reduced fertility. It may fall off a cliff for some people- but not all by any means. I have two friends who thought they couldn't have children, went for years without contraception and didn't give it a thought and then were highly surprised to get pregnant at 40+

Delphiniumsblue

Data is not the pural of antedote.

There is no doult that SOME women do get pregnant 40+ however it is not guarenteed that a woman can get pregnant at ANY age. Infact the abortion rate for women over the age of 40 is pretty high as many women stupidly believe its impossible for them to get pregnant. The chances of issues with fertility increases with age. The sucess of IVF is less for an older woman.

If someone wants a baby then the sooner that they have the child the better from a biological point of view. It is a struggle to balance establishing a career with having a family and finding a suitable man.

I had DS when I was 44. I just did a quick tally of ten friends I met through baby and toddler groups and four of us had first children aged forty or over, four were between thirty and forty and only two were under thirty (and they were twenty six and twenty eight)

Oops, included me in the ten friends! Oh well, I like myself a lot ha ha!

My parents were 33 and 35 when I was born. I'm 34 now and plan to start my family in the next 2 years.

So, it seems a bit unreasonable to me!

Most of my friends who are the same age as me are only just starting families now, I don't think it's unusual.

My only point is that lots of women get pregnant very easily when they are older. I know far more older mothers than younger ones.
I still don't see how you can afford it young. Even my son who stated work at 16 yrs and doesn't have student debt can't afford it yet and he is now 26yrs and buying a house with his fiancée.
It was the norm when I was young to get married around 21/22 and have a child soon after.The world has changed! If you finish full time education at that age you need to work at least 3 years to establish a career- even if you have the money. It is no wonder that older mothers are now the norm.
You are very lucky if you meet the right man early enough- I dare say many women would like to start early. A friend's DD would like nothing better, but at 38yrs she still hasn't got the right partner.
The odds of meeting the right man, being established in a career and being financially stable in order to have all your children in your 20s seems a bit like the odds of winning the lottery!