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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my friend hadn't told me this ... and not know what to do about it?!

102 replies

MrsMopOnTop · 07/07/2014 23:11

Tried writing this several times but it keeps ending up too long >.<

Basically - a good friend has admitted that she has rekindled an old casual relationship with a younger man - behind her partners back. Younger man doesn't know she has a partner or a baby. Partner doesn't know she's carrying on.

She has told me this in confidence but I cannot support this behaviour! I understand she isn't happy but this younger man seems quite smitten with her and she is using him. And then her relationship isn't brilliant - they basically got pregnant right away and have tried to stick together - but surely her partner deserves more respect regardless.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to uproot the baby (he's 13mos) by bringing this to his dads attention and upsetting the home situation.

But I don't want to not say anything and in essence - be enabling her. I am tempting to tell the younger man what is going on and hope he sees sense - but is it my place to do that!?

I'd really appreciate some advice here. I don't want to do nothing - I can't support this - but I'm not sure on the right course of action. I'm not bothered about my friends feelings in this if that helps at all - I think she has made her bed and has to lie in it as harsh as that may sound.

OP posts:
Koothrapanties · 07/07/2014 23:18

I'm sorry, I know you said you don't want to do nothing, but it is absolutely none of your business and i think you should stay out of it. That doesn't mean you are supporting it, you are just not getting involved. It's not your place at all.

wowfudge · 07/07/2014 23:19

Anyone you tell will shoot the messenger. If you are not bothered about her feelings because you cannot support her behaviour then tell her.

Seriously, tell her she needs to have a long, hard look at herself and sort things out. Offer to be there for her when she does, but tell her you do not condone her behaviour and will not get involved in her lies.

RabbitSaysWoof · 07/07/2014 23:20

I wouldn't get involved.
Your only link to this mess is your friend who you now don't like.
Phase her out if she means so little to you now.

LeoandBoosmum · 07/07/2014 23:20

Not to sound self-righteous but she'd no longer be my friend. I'd personally cut ties.

ComradePlexiglass · 07/07/2014 23:20

Do nothing. Sorry, must be frustrating but definitely keep out of it. Not your business to sort this one out.

greeneggsandjam · 07/07/2014 23:22

I would talk to her again and make her see sense. How long des she think she can carry it all on for? She has to realise that it would be quite impossible for it to last long term. If she choses to ignore you then I would also chose to ignore her. A this point in time I wouldn't speak to the others involved but give her a chance to figure out what she wants in life either way.

JustSquirted · 07/07/2014 23:22

If you don't want to do nothing, then what you can do is cut all contact with your friend.

MamaPain · 07/07/2014 23:24

If you still want to be friends with her then I think you should just tell her that although she is your friend you can't support this behaviour and that you don' want her to discuss it with you in future.

If you don't want to be friends with her just stop contact and if she asks tell her why.

Otherwise don't get involved, it will cause you trouble and worry for a problem that is not your own. Also it depends how good friend you are. If you are very close then you could lose your good friend unnecessarily.

IamRechargingthankYou · 07/07/2014 23:26

You must tell your friend straight - you don't agree with what she is doing and that she is directly harming her child and her child's dad's life. She is also harming her boyfriend, herself and of course you. She must decide what she wants to do - leave her unhappy relationship and start anew, without moving in with new bloke, and will have your support. Or you WILL tell new bloke and if he doesn't care then you WILL tell her current partner. End of...or she might tell you something you don't know...be wary some people have a 'poor me' attitude. She might become one of your best friends ever or she might just be someone you used to know.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 07/07/2014 23:27

I had a friend who did something along those lines, bit different circumstances but similar in that I really couldn't approve of it and was worried about the consequences for other people involved.

We had a conversation about it and I let her know (in a fairly calm way) that I didn't approve and mentioned some of the possible consequences, and then I did distance myself a bit, I really couldn't support her while that was still happening. I don't know whether what I said made any difference or not, but eventually she herself made the decision to get out of that situation, I was very pleased for her and for the others involved and it didn't affect our friendship after that.

CJMommy · 07/07/2014 23:27

It's not your place to tell either bloke.

Tell your friend how you feel, be honest with her. If the friendship is good and solid then she will respect your views and you will remain a source of advice and support regardless of whether you condone her behaviour or not.

Or, if you really feel like you cannot remain friends then, again, be honest with her.

rpitchfo · 07/07/2014 23:27

The damage has already been done. She probably wants the secret to come out otherwise she wouldn't have told anyone. I'd leave it, won't stay a secret for long anyway.

Original poster
MrsMopOnTop · 07/07/2014 23:33

Thank you everybody.

I have told her, when she told me about it, that I think she is wrong and that this will all blow up in her face eventually.

We have been friends for 10 years and have helped each other through a lot. I think if she had expressed some sort of guilt or remorse toward her partner - or a want to change the situation - then I would be much less judgemental and would be resolutely on her side and trying to help her decide on a course of action.

But she's acting like a child - she's loving the thrill of it and the cake-and-eat-it scenario and I can't condone her trampling all over the other parties feelings.

I think telling her not to mention it to me again is a good plan and lessening contact if she does bring it up again - you're all right. If I said something it would get turned around on me.

OP posts:
sykadelic · 08/07/2014 00:51

I simply wouldn't keep it a secret. I wouldn't gossip, but I wouldn't lie to hide it and I'd tell her that.

I couldn't be friends with someone who thinks this is okay. I agree with you that if she'd be concerned and wanted help getting out, that's one thing, but gloating about it. No. Disgusting behaviour. She's putting her partner at risk.

UncleT · 08/07/2014 01:14

You do nothing except, if an opinion is requested, tell her what you think of her behaviour. That's it.

SquigglySquid · 08/07/2014 04:49

Stay out of it.

This doesn't affect you directly, and it's not really your business.

Your friend confided in you, keep her trust.

Really, she's looking for someone else to blame for her relationship blowing up. If you tell either person, the responsibility for the relationship going tits up is on you, not her because it will always come back to "If MrsMop never said anything everything would still be fine". Let her take responsibility for her own problems so that when it does blow up, she has no one but herself to blame.

Jengnr · 08/07/2014 05:32

If you're not bothered about your friend's feelings you're not a friend and she can do without you.

She might be making a mistake and doing something you don't approve of but not caring about her feelings after ten years of friendship and being willing to break her confidence and throw this hand grenade into four people's lives just so that you can feel righteous and smug doesn't exactly cover you in glory either.

Her actions are her responsibility and if she gets found out (and she will, I'm sure) that's one thing. It's quite another for you to tell people on her behalf. If you don't want to be friends with her (and it sounds like you don't) then don't be friends with her anymore. Just remember that everyone makes mistakes - if you turned to someone you trusted and they sold you down the river instead of helping or supporting you how would you feel?

Flossyfloof · 08/07/2014 08:53

You sound incredibly judgemental and self-righteous. Mind your own business. You sound like a not very nice friend.

DoJo · 08/07/2014 09:21

I'd be concerned about the risk of sexually transmitted diseases if she is sleeping with more than one person and (presumably at least with her partner) not using barrier contraception. All the 'shoot the messenger' warnings don't really compare to possibly risking someone's health as far as I'm concerned.

growl3th · 08/07/2014 09:42

And if it was the other way round and her husband was having an affair with a younger woman would everyone still be saying stay out of it?

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 10:12

And if it was the other way round and her husband was having an affair with a younger woman would everyone still be saying stay out of it?

This ^ I see more and more double standards on MN at times.

7Days · 08/07/2014 10:19

Well presumably the husband wouldn't be confessing all in his wife's friends kitchen over coffee?

So, not the same thing in terms of friendship and confidences.

Personally I would distance myself from my friend. They would be a different person to me, it would ruin my view of them, and with the best will in the world I wouldn't be able to relax around them.

But, no, I wouldn't tell.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/07/2014 10:28

She's your friend.
She has told you in confidence.
It's not up to you to interfere.

And if it was the other way round and her husband was having an affair with a younger woman would everyone still be saying stay out of it?
In this situation, it would be the man telling his best mate and asking him not to confide. And he probably wouldn't.
His best friend would no doubt keep the secret. He might feel like he had to tell his best mate's wife about it but it's high unlikely!
How often do you hear that a husbands best mate has told the wife or the OW about his mates behaviour?

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 10:33

If this is your 'friend', then you should be supporting her, not berating her, no matter what your morals may be on the situation.

Personally, it's none of your business. I've been where your friend has been, and had the exact so-called 'friend' who turned very vindictive towards me, in fact threatened to blow my world apart with her big, interfering gob! Stay out of it, and if she is a good friend, be there for here. By all means be honest and explain to her that you don't condone the behaviour, etc but the book should stop there with you - it's not your life.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 10:35

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.