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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my friend hadn't told me this ... and not know what to do about it?!

102 replies

MrsMopOnTop · 07/07/2014 23:11

Tried writing this several times but it keeps ending up too long >.<

Basically - a good friend has admitted that she has rekindled an old casual relationship with a younger man - behind her partners back. Younger man doesn't know she has a partner or a baby. Partner doesn't know she's carrying on.

She has told me this in confidence but I cannot support this behaviour! I understand she isn't happy but this younger man seems quite smitten with her and she is using him. And then her relationship isn't brilliant - they basically got pregnant right away and have tried to stick together - but surely her partner deserves more respect regardless.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to uproot the baby (he's 13mos) by bringing this to his dads attention and upsetting the home situation.

But I don't want to not say anything and in essence - be enabling her. I am tempting to tell the younger man what is going on and hope he sees sense - but is it my place to do that!?

I'd really appreciate some advice here. I don't want to do nothing - I can't support this - but I'm not sure on the right course of action. I'm not bothered about my friends feelings in this if that helps at all - I think she has made her bed and has to lie in it as harsh as that may sound.

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 08/07/2014 11:13

You sound incredibly judgemental and self-righteous

LOLOL. I would happily be judgemental and self-righteous about someone shagging a person behind their partner's back. I wouldn't tell anyone but I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could treat a loved one like that. If they treat their partner with such contempt, there's not much hope for a friendship.

7Days · 08/07/2014 11:14

disagree cingo and it's not because I haven't lived enough

(bit patronising, that)

No of course people don't enter into affairs in order to hurt people, they do it because they are essentially selfish and don't care about the hurt they will cause. You can dress it up all you like, but that's the root.

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 11:15

Owl, Wow, are you also sat polishing your halo thete ð??? ha ha! Hmm

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 11:15

Earth, ok, so if your very best friend admitted to cheating on their partner, would you cut that friend out of your life?

I would most probably take a step back for a while yes.

As I have said, I have seen the devestation ration that affairs can cause

wantsleepnow · 08/07/2014 11:16

Affairs don't always cause devastation - but this one might do. I do think that the best thing OP can do is to try to make her friend think carefully about the possible effects of her behaviour. I doubt the friend has carefully thought through all the possible implications of continuing this and she really needs to decide if it's worth it.

If the friend doesn't listen, I personally wouldn't cut ties but I wouldn't think badly of the OP if she did.

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 11:16

7days, I completely disagree, selfishness is not the case.

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 11:17

Earth - as have I, yet I have not become judgemental due to what I have seen / experienced

7Days · 08/07/2014 11:18

well who are you thinking about if not yourself??? it's hardly an act of altruism

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 11:19

â?¢ Some affairs are psychologically healthy. An affair can help leverage you out of a de-structive or deadened relationship that's beyond the point of renewal. The positive feelings of affirmation and restored vitality generated by an affair can activate the courage to leave a marriage when doing so is healthiest decision for both yourself and your partner. I've seen both men and women become psychologically healthier through an affair. It springboarded them into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself, here, and not rationalize yourself into hav-ing the affair while postponing necessary action.

(Psychology Today)

specialsubject · 08/07/2014 11:20

she's a cheat and a liar to her supposed partner, and to the other bloke. If she isn't happy in her relationship she needs to take the right action, which is to end it.

don't take any action, leave it to blow up in her face, which it will.

she's shown her colours.

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 11:20

Earth - as have I, yet I have not become judgemental due to what I have seen / experienced

I am not judgemental however there are lines in certain things for me that should not be crossed and for me cheating is one of them.

7Days · 08/07/2014 11:23

that's still thinking of yourself though

A decent, if not 'dream' partner doesn't deserve that pain.

Sillylass79 · 08/07/2014 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 12:43

Scouse yes I would disown them. I would disown a family member for doing this, there's no excuse at all. People can try and justify it all they like but as far as I'm concerned there is absolutely no excuse for it. If you despise someone enough to be able to cheat on them you should end the relationship.

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 12:50

Opinionated, I assume you're speaking from bitter experience? Jeez, not even goung to ask what you think of murderers then?! Hmm

VenusDeWillendorf · 08/07/2014 12:51

I'd stay out of it.

It's none of your business, and however you feel about it, it's her life and you don't know what she's feeling. She may have plans for the younger man to father the next baby, and then where will you be if you interfere?

If you don't want to listen to the intrigues, then tell her so, and if it turns your stomach, then reduce contact for a while, and let her know why.

But stay out of it.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 12:57

Scouse actually I'd say cheaters are worse than murderers. Some murders happen in self defence so there can be exceptions to that.

fourforksache · 08/07/2014 13:00

haha, gone off the deep end there, opinionatedbugger, you sound unbalanced now.

IrianofWay · 08/07/2014 13:01

I don;t think it's your place to tell anyone anything. In future when she starts to talk about it gently steer the conversation away or if neccessary tell her that you don't want to talk about it. No reason you should be privy to something that upsets you. She has made a choice you don't like, it's her choice to do so but it's also your choice not to have to condone or encourage her.

BTW affairs are cruel and painful things IMO whatever the justification. You can try and be as morally relative as you like but in the end they hurt people who usually don't deserve to be hurt. Been on the receiving end and I honestly think if my H hated me worse than poison (he doesn't ) he couldn't have chosen a more effective way of damaging me.

MirandaGoshawk · 08/07/2014 13:04

OP - Yep, stay out of it. You've told her you disapprove but it's not your place to interfere. How on earth is she going to keep a baby secret for long? It will come out.

Flossyfloof · 08/07/2014 13:04

Having said what I have said, I don't think I would be prepared to lie for a friend who was having an affair. I don't think that the OP's friend is asking for this, though.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 13:05

I may be unbalanced four but I was asked and that is my honest opinion. I'm not trying to start a fight on mumsnet, unfortunately that's how a lot of these threads tend to go. Affairs are immoral and that's the way I see it.

gamerchick · 08/07/2014 13:07

Stay out of it but tell her you don't want her to confide anything in you about it. You'll turn I to her dumping ground otherwise.

fourforksache · 08/07/2014 13:09

opinionated, fine, state your opinion but don't let hyperbole run away with you, it discredits reasonable discussion.

#stilllaughing.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 13:13

Scouse asked what I thought of murderers and I simply stated that sometimes things happen and you need to defend yourself. Don't see how that's hyperbole but each to their own, we all know why people defend it. #cheaters