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Original poster

To wish my friend hadn't told me this ... and not know what to do about it?!

102 replies

MrsMopOnTop · 07/07/2014 23:11

Tried writing this several times but it keeps ending up too long >.<

Basically - a good friend has admitted that she has rekindled an old casual relationship with a younger man - behind her partners back. Younger man doesn't know she has a partner or a baby. Partner doesn't know she's carrying on.

She has told me this in confidence but I cannot support this behaviour! I understand she isn't happy but this younger man seems quite smitten with her and she is using him. And then her relationship isn't brilliant - they basically got pregnant right away and have tried to stick together - but surely her partner deserves more respect regardless.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to uproot the baby (he's 13mos) by bringing this to his dads attention and upsetting the home situation.

But I don't want to not say anything and in essence - be enabling her. I am tempting to tell the younger man what is going on and hope he sees sense - but is it my place to do that!?

I'd really appreciate some advice here. I don't want to do nothing - I can't support this - but I'm not sure on the right course of action. I'm not bothered about my friends feelings in this if that helps at all - I think she has made her bed and has to lie in it as harsh as that may sound.

OP posts:
Sillylass79 · 08/07/2014 10:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 10:40

Flossy's hit the nail on the head, and this goes to other posters on here

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 10:42

Opinionated - very apt name for you! Some 'friend' you must be Hmm Imagine if your very best friend came to you one day, and admitted a secret like this? Would you then just disown her?!

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 10:45

Some 'friend' you must be Imagine if your very best friend came to you one day, and admitted a secret like this? Would you then just disown her?!

I certainly wouldn't want her talking to me about it. For me it would be a deal breaker. Cheating is wrong.

fluffyraggies · 08/07/2014 10:45

If her morals and behavior, in your eyes, are bad enough for you to be struggling to continue the friendship - then end it.

It's not for you to 'sort it out' (or to make idle threats about not being able to keep your mouth shut).

She's not abusing kids or anything. She's having an affair not breaking the law. You have no moral obligations to protect anyone here. They're all adults. Doing nothing isn't 'supporting the behavior'.

fourforksache · 08/07/2014 10:47

say nowt, try not to judge, be a friend.

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 10:49

The secret will come out anyway. I hope that your friend is prepared for the fallout and the devastation that it will cause.

She is lying to the 'new' partner and her partner and will probably end up losing them both.

Affairs are never a good idea. If you are unhappy, finish one relationship before starting another.

Your friend must know it's wrong as she has lied to new man.

Downamongtherednecks · 08/07/2014 10:51

I would feel just like you, OP. Cheating is wrong, and your friend is behaving immorally. I think you ARE being a good friend by telling her that this is going to blow up in her face. I wouldn't get involved though, with any of the parties. How dare she force this confidence on you!

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 10:53

I love the way all the little 'angels' on here say "if you're unhappy, just leave..."! Yeah, like life is that simple! Hmm

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 10:55

I love the way all the little 'angels' on here say "if you're unhappy, just leave..."! Yeah, like life is that simple!

I have seen the devastation that affairs cause and that is wrong!

The OPs friend is lying to everyone. There is only one way this is going to end.

7Days · 08/07/2014 10:56

It's not fair to call people little angels like that, ScouseBird
Affairs are shit and cause devestation. People should do the right thing, even if it's hard.
Everyone has their own boundaries, affairs to me are beyond the pale. I'm sure you have your own lines not be crossed too.

wantsleepnow · 08/07/2014 10:59

If you are a friend to her (at least before she told you about this affair), then please try to make her actually think about the consequences of her actions. What does she want to happen?

It may all seem fun to her now but what if her partner finds out and they split up? Does she want to lose him? She needs to remember that this may well also mean losing significant chunks of time with her DD whose dad will presumably want good contact with his daughter too.

Once her partner finds out about all this, it's too late to go back to how things were before. Is this other man really honestly worth it? This is seriously life-changing stuff and could affect her (and the others involved, including her daughter) for years and years.

If she's not prepared to listen to you, at least you've tried and I agree with PPs that it's not up to you to tell either man. You just have to hope she'll do what's right and that nobody gets too hurt by all this.

Flossyfloof · 08/07/2014 11:01

I would be able to tell my good friends anything without fear of them judging me and vice versa. It seems that the OP and her friend have such different values - it seems odd to me that the friend has chosen to confide in her, she seems to have massively misjudged the friendship.
I find it bizarre that so many people seem to think that they are the morals police and that only their values and morals count and that they should take action when they see or hear about anything that doesn't match their views. Have all of these people never done anything wrong within their marriages? (I am not married btw, but when I was I never cheated - I did sometimes behave inappropriately though, which, in hindsight should have made me consider how unhappy I was in the marriage).

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 11:03

Flossy here here!

RiverTam · 08/07/2014 11:05

well, YANBU to wish she hadn't told you.

But as she has - well, if she was a good friend, one you can be honest with and not tiptoe around, I would say that I don't think it's a great idea but that I'm here for her, but I would not be best pleased if I ever got put in the position of lying for her.

I have friends where we can be pretty robust with each other, doesn't have to affect our friendship but we can lay it on the line.

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 11:05

I'd be interested in knowing how many actual friends you moralistic bunch have?! Hmm

A friend does not have to share the same values, but be there for their friend, offer advice, and support Envy

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 11:06

I wouldn't say anything but I would distance myself from the friend.

It's not about being the moral police it's about seeing what devastation affairs cause including the fallout for daughter and her partner. If the OPs friend didn't think it was wrong then how come she has not told new man about the existence of her daughter and partner!?

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 11:06

I'd be interested in knowing how many actual friends you moralistic bunch have?!

Quite a few thank you!

fourforksache · 08/07/2014 11:06

friends aren't there to fix their friends' messes, you have to listen, say your piece, then let your friends make their own choices. infidelity is not something I agree with but I wouldn't get involved, it's up to the friend to work out her life.

7Days · 08/07/2014 11:08

The point is Flossie everyone is entitled to their own views and boundaries.

I don't think there is anyone I would support through anything. Most people are the same. Some things just change your view of people, and you don't have to support against your own instinct.

And we are not talking about a 'mistake' here, this woman is knowingly risking 4 people's happiness for her own satisfaction.
You do have to look at someone's actions to see who they are.

Sillylass79 · 08/07/2014 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 11:08

Earth, ok, so if your very best friend admitted to cheating on their partner, would you cut that friend out of your life?

cingolimama · 08/07/2014 11:09

Actually, affairs don't always cause devastation. I think a lot of you haven't lived enough, and are incredibly judgemental.

Push comes to shove, it's probably better if people don't have affairs. But human beings are fallible. If two consenting adults find each other's company exciting and are discreet about it, who are any of us to wag our fingers at them?

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 11:11

and to add to cingolimama's post there, most people do not enter into affairs to purposely hurt other people, or themselves, they're not that simple and in fact, are psychological

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 11:12

If two consenting adults find each other's company exciting and are discreet about it, who are any of us to wag our fingers at them?

The new man doesn't even know he is having an affair because the OPs friend hasn't even told him that she has a baby and a partner.