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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my friend hadn't told me this ... and not know what to do about it?!

102 replies

MrsMopOnTop · 07/07/2014 23:11

Tried writing this several times but it keeps ending up too long >.<

Basically - a good friend has admitted that she has rekindled an old casual relationship with a younger man - behind her partners back. Younger man doesn't know she has a partner or a baby. Partner doesn't know she's carrying on.

She has told me this in confidence but I cannot support this behaviour! I understand she isn't happy but this younger man seems quite smitten with her and she is using him. And then her relationship isn't brilliant - they basically got pregnant right away and have tried to stick together - but surely her partner deserves more respect regardless.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to uproot the baby (he's 13mos) by bringing this to his dads attention and upsetting the home situation.

But I don't want to not say anything and in essence - be enabling her. I am tempting to tell the younger man what is going on and hope he sees sense - but is it my place to do that!?

I'd really appreciate some advice here. I don't want to do nothing - I can't support this - but I'm not sure on the right course of action. I'm not bothered about my friends feelings in this if that helps at all - I think she has made her bed and has to lie in it as harsh as that may sound.

OP posts:
fourforksache · 08/07/2014 13:18

opinionatedbugger Grin I take that as a not so veiled accusation that I'm adulterous. Nice.

Still coming across unbalanced, chuck in over invested too.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 13:20

Not saying that four, I don't know you so how would I know? What I'm saying is those that defend it most likely have had experience of it or can justify it because a friend or family member has done it.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 08/07/2014 13:21

The thing is, op's friend has involved her, she has made her complicit. I had a friend at uni who cheated on her boyfriend all the time - whenever he came to visit we all had to deal with essentially having to lie to him, and him looking a complete mug.
In the end, I did end up choosing not to be friends based on that - why would I want to be friends with a person doing something I consider to be so morally wrong? I did (and still do) judge her for treating her boyfriend so badly and with such contempt, but especially for making so many people have to be complicit in her choices, and for the pain that her dbf will go through if (when) it all comes out.

fourforksache · 08/07/2014 13:24

Most people here aren't defending infidelity. Many people aren't making a judgement in it one way or another. A lot of people are saying that it's wrong to try to dictate how the friend should live her life.

I'm so glad you backtracked clarified your previous post.

fourforksache · 08/07/2014 13:27

City, that sounds awful.

In this case though, the friend has confided in the op but has not asked her to cover up / lie. I agree, that would be taking advantage.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 13:28

Haha four, there's another thread about trolls perhaps you should give it a good read. I'm not saying dictate how the friend live her life, that's up to friend. I'm saying I couldn't be part of her hurting her partner and child.

DoJo · 08/07/2014 13:32

But what about the moral obligation to let someone know that they might be unwittingly being exposed to sexually transmitted diseases? The rights and wrongs of cheating aside, surely engaging in behaviour which could damage your partner's health is inappropriate, particularly if it could affect the child you have together.

McFlickle · 08/07/2014 13:33

If you are not bothered about her feelings because you cannot support her behaviour then tell her

^^this

It is not your business to speak about it with anyone but her. I would stay well out of it and if you can't condone her behavior then ask her not to speak about it or reduce contact.

fourforksache · 08/07/2014 14:11

opinionated, more insinuations, if you think I'm a troll, report me.

Just in case you weren't aware, not everyone who disagrees with you is a troll.

LoisEinhorn · 08/07/2014 14:16

Shes made it your business by telling you.
And in doing so has not been fair to you and putting you in a difficult position. I couldn't be friends with someone so selfish, I'd probably say end it one way or another or I would tell the younger man.

bakingaddict · 08/07/2014 14:42

I have a friend who is having an affair and while it isn't something that I would do I can separate these actions from her and still enjoy our friendship for the warm, funny person she is.

People have affairs for all kinds of reasons but just because a friend is having an affair it isn't enough reason to stop me from being friends with them and I say that as somebody who has had to deal with the fall-out from my mum's long-term affair. It isn't fun to have your father break-down on learning of the affair but often there are issues within the marriage that makes one party actively embark on an affair. For my friend, it's that she has been in a deeply unhappy marriage for years but neither her or her DH are brave enough to call it a day.

Original poster
MrsMopOnTop · 08/07/2014 16:30

Thank you for the advice. This is why I chose to come here for opinions before acting - it is a big thing knowing how to react!

I LOVE my friend I really do. Like I said in second post we have been good friends for 10 years and we have been through things together that have been much more 'serious' than this before - but none of those scenario's have ever involved me having knowledge of something like this - or involved other peoples feelings/lives.

Having had time to process and deal with the information, I am NOT going to inform either the partner or the younger man. But I have re-iterated to friend that I think it is a bad idea and whilst she is carrying on with this scenario I don't want to hear anything more about it. I've made it clear to her though that once she sees sense and decides on a permanent course of action - whether that be to stop seeing them both, or just one - I will of course support her 100% moving forward.

I personally hope that she calls time on both relationships - in an amicable way with DS father so that they can all get along well in future for his sake - and try to pursue a relationship that she is going to be happy and secure in.

OP posts:
fourforksache · 08/07/2014 16:57

Thanks very sensible, Mrsmop.

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 17:56

A very good decision. [ smile]

Opinionatedbugger · 08/07/2014 17:56

Sorry Smile

NewtRipley · 08/07/2014 18:01

I think that in your position I would cool it with her. I don't mean to sound judgmental of you, but I think if you feel this strongly then maybe the friendship is not as strong as it was. If you can't condone it on moral grounds, which I respect, and that that is over riding your desire to understand and support her, then I would remove myself.

NewtRipley · 08/07/2014 18:02

Sorry, i did not scroll to second page.

Good decision

AlpacaLypse · 08/07/2014 18:10

Only just seen this thread, Mrs Mop I'm so pleased you've chosen this route. Something very very similar happened a few years ago with a friend of mine. She confided in me and another friend, we decided not to tell but also asked her not to put us in any worse a position by telling us any more.

Unfortunately the situation was untenable, this whole thing was being acted out in a small village and it was excruciatingly obvious to other friend and I that she was still carrying on the affair. It made it impossible to carry on seeing the family at weekends etc, which was grossly unfair to the children who were all close friends - but I just couldn't face making friendly conversation with her h while knowing what his wife was up to when he wasn't around.

Sadly the situation continued for many months before she finally left her husband for the other man, by which time my respect for her had dwindled to zero.

At least her and my children are now able to see each other comfortably for the 50% of the time they're with their father.

I've wondered if I should have forced the situation by telling - but I think that would have ended with me falling out completely with both husband and wife, so the children would have completely lost the friendship.

Infinity8 · 08/07/2014 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Downamongtherednecks · 08/07/2014 19:08

yy to infinity

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 19:11

I agree Infinity

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/07/2014 19:20

Most of my friends seem to have given up having affairs, too tired and with small kids, no-one can be bothered. If I cut out anyone who has ever two-timed a boyfriend, cheated, snogged someone on a night out, started a relationship with someone married (at least two of my friend's marriages started this way) I would have no friends. Either your friends are lying to you or you don't have many friends- these things are not that unusual over a 20-30 year period. I wouldn't condone it and I would tell them straight what I thought- but it would take more than a bit of stupidity to finish off a good friendship.

I have never been unfaithful myself, it's not to do with having friends with 'good values'- many of my friends would be there for me whatever and are loyal and nice people but might have made a mistake with a married man a decade ago, they are humans and do silly things, I can live with that myself.

EarthWindFire · 08/07/2014 19:25

I do have many friends thank you. The bit if stupidity as you call it, can turn peoples lives upside down.

ScouseBird8364 · 08/07/2014 20:12

Thenapolean, extremely well put x

Downamongtherednecks · 08/07/2014 20:31

napoleon you seem to view having affairs as a stage that people go through, but then grow out of as "no one can be bothered". What a truly depressing view of your friends and of fidelity in general, it's "just a bit of stupidity". Like earthwind, I have a lot of friends, and afaik none views their relationships like this.