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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking this is absolutely not the child or parents fault

137 replies

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/07/2014 22:11

I've spoken to my brother today his nearly 3yo daughter is cared for whilst he works by a outstanding registered child minder with quite a few years experience.

He's distraught because today the child minder phoned him requesting he collect the child earlier than usual as she had been being very very naughty, at this point no other information was provided.

It turns out the childminder had been on a day out and the not quite 3 year old was able to escape a apparently fully enclosed area and be missing long enough to escape the venue and be seen by a member of the public in a very very dangerous situation in a adjoining location (think potential to be killed). The total stranger grabbed the child (who was wearing a hi vis vest matching the childminders) and located the childminder and had a good old rant at her threatening to report her to children's services and apparently it shook the child minder up.

The childminder ranted at him about how dreadfully behaved the child is to the point that he was apologising and at no time took any responsibility for her role in the incident. She said she hadn't noticed his daughter was missing.

During the course of the conversation the childminder stated it had shaken her up because a related child had several years ago died in her care it sounded like a preventable incident caused by inappropriate supervision and she didn't want to have his daughter again because she's a disruptive horror and the child's fault the stranger yelled at her.

We are talking about a very little 2 years and 10 month old child. Surely the minder should take responsibility for what happened?

I've suggested he does not use her again and does report but he's now doubting whose responsible.

My brother does know I've posted this

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/07/2014 22:45

I am not implying you are a troll . I am wondering how accurate the account (including the 'accidental death' snippet) is, if you don't know firsthand. But it certainly doesn't sound like the kind of childcare I would want to use

I have no reason at all to disbelieve my brother,he is not prone to histrionics or drama of any type. I have had several conversations with him since he collected his child,I've repeatedly questioned him about what was said and by whom (as I'm so shocked I was struggling to get it clear)

The accidental death IMO is pertinent information as not only did the childminder include it in her "I'm so traumatised by your child's behaviour" rant but one would think something like that would lead to being hyper vigilant about toddlers making a break for freedom.

OP posts:
SquigglySquid · 07/07/2014 22:46

Sorry, but I would judge the parents for leaving their child with a totally unsuitable childminder. It's your CHILD; do your homework. Unless DB is in dire straits, I don't understand this scenario at all

Yes, but if there were no charges, it wouldn't have come up in a background check. It's easy to omit information from your resume and personal file.

That's why she needs to be reported, or a review on a child minder site, or something so the next parent that looks her up sees that she is an irresponsible idiot that shouldn't be trusted with a child.

PedlarsSpanner · 07/07/2014 22:46

Oscar, the parent had no idea until today, no idea that the CM was finding the child's behaviour difficult, no idea that the CM would fail to account for the whereabouts of the children in her care at all times, no idea that a preventable death had occurred outwith her childminding practice, no idea.

phantomnamechanger · 07/07/2014 22:47

And to answer your Q of course YANBU - I'm only surprised that you need to ask. Come on here and express your shock and anger at the events, ask for advice on how to report her etc, fine. But why would you think this was an AIBU? I guess it must be down to having had a shock.

jacks365 · 07/07/2014 22:48

sock hope your niece is ok and not been too upset by it. Get your brother to report to ofsted this woman needs preventing from childminding. Mine is just a bit younger but loves to shout bye bye and run off, she needs watching like a hawk so I never take my eyes off her if she's not secured somehow.

MrsCakesPremonition · 07/07/2014 22:48

The CM was 100% responsible for supervising your DN. In you DB's place I would report her.
However it does sound as though the incident frightened her and raised some terrible memories for her and I'm not sure that she was entirely in possession of herself while she was talking to your DB although the fact she is blaming the child is inexcusable.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/07/2014 22:53

Lots of questions here.

How can you not notice a child wearing a hi vis Jacket is missing from your sight? communicating with another childminder at the venue

How big was the enclosed area? and the venue? unknown described as large

How come the stranger managed to get enough info from a lost not even 3 yo, to be able to locate the adult she was supposed to be with?no information required all mindees and child minder wear matching hi vis vests with the child minders name plastered across the back and front,it was the type of venue where any child near by would obviously be attending the venue

Did this not involve them walking off with the child? That's not ideal - why did they not hand over to a member of staff at the venue? All sounds very odd to me. they physically removed the child from danger took child straight to venue and I assume got to the childminder and verbally ripped her a new one before they got to a staff member, its possible this stranger had also been attending the venue obviously nobody knows that bit

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2014 22:53

Yes I would report, it is not the child's fault, he's a toddler, she should have been supervising. It's worrying a child died in her care from a preventable incident.

Trooperslane · 07/07/2014 22:55

Fucking hell.

That is terrifying.

I'd have my child out of there immediately.

I'm out in a cold swear here

Your poor db x

TucsonGirl · 07/07/2014 22:56

Some people who are childminders just aren't up to the job. I don't know why they want to do the job or for that matter are allowed to do the job.

Bearbehind · 07/07/2014 22:57

I don't understand why the childminder would have told your brother the stranger 'ripped her a new one' but then got to the point where he was apologising?

There's clearly a lot of substance to the story and I wouldn't be using her again but second and third hand stories can get distorted.

SquigglySquid · 07/07/2014 22:58

How can you not notice a child wearing a hi vis Jacket is missing from your sight? communicating with another childminder at the venue

So she was basically chatting with a colleague and lost the child. It just gets worse.

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 23:03

I don't understand why the childminder would have told your brother the stranger 'ripped her a new one' but then got to the point where he was apologising?

Because it was probably part of her argument about how awful the DD is, that she caused the CM to get a bollocking off a stranger for something that was clearly not the CMS fault Hmm

I rather suspect she is kicking herself for letting slip about the other childs death when she was ranting.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/07/2014 23:03

victorian

It's not hearsay if it has come from the childminders own mouth. I know what the incident was well obviously the childminders version of it and she would have no reason to make it up. however my brother feels it would identify that this thread is about him if the exact details are posted,he would obviously prefer that not to happen.

She was an adult in charge of the child that died,it was completely preventable (with a bit of safety equipment and/or correct supervision) the child that died was a under 2. Have a little think about what relation you may be prohibited from professionally childminding. She disclosed in the context of ranting about it giving her flash backs to what happened with this child.

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 07/07/2014 23:08

Victorian stop being an inflammatory idiot!

Needs your brother is doing the right thing in nit disclosing too much here and when he calms down andis thinking clearly iI hope he sees he has a duty to protect other kids from this woman and reports to the authorities. I also hope your niece is ok and not too traumatised by her experience.

Thank god there are lovely strangers out there who are prepared to put themselves at risk of investigation for stepping up amd looking after her and returning her to where he needed to be! And good on them for tearing the cm a new one. I think if it had been me I would have refused to return the chikd to her until the authorities had been called mind you!

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/07/2014 23:10

To be clear it was my brother who apologised to the childminder for his child's behaviour because he was so thrown by what what had happened and shocked.

The stranger ripped the childminder a new one (my descriptive words) then marched off still ranting the child minder described this to my brother as her having a go at her threatening to report her.

The stranger did not apologise to the childminder

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 07/07/2014 23:13

Sorry- I misread that bit- it makes much more sense now.

She was clearly negligent and hasn't learnt from whatever tragedy occurred before so I would be taking steps to ensure it couldn't happen to any other child again.

OscarWinningActress · 07/07/2014 23:19

Peddlars and Squiggly, you illustrate my point perfectly. Why would you entrust your child to someone you have 'no idea' about? How could you really trust reviews about an individual childminder on the internet? Any childcare service can roll out the red carpet for inspections. My point is that nobody is going to look after a child like a parent. Some toddlers are very fast, very clever and very active (I had three Grin ). There was no chatting to other grown-ups or sitting down when out with my kids...trying to take several of them out at once was almost a super-human feat requiring military precision and constant vigilance. How do you really know someone is going to look after your child the way you'd look after them yourself? I used to take my children to the park when they were small and see hordes of nannies chatting and goofing around on their phones etc, instead of properly supervising or engaging with the small kids in their care. I just can't understand why you'd go that route unless you absolutely HAD to leave them with someone else. It seems completely backwards to me Confused.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/07/2014 23:22

oscar many people do need to use child care,that is a fact of modern life

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 07/07/2014 23:29

Sock, ignore Oscar. She doesn't approve of any form of paid childcare.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/07/2014 23:35

mine wore reins/were strapped into a pushchair for a reason... super vigilent in the flats garden as they ran off... many a time running after them as they headed towards the access drive to stop them getting anywhere near that. the point is that you have to be super vigilent with even one. it is the adults respnsibility.

I do know some parents that are terrible at looking after their own children though...

I can ony think of one relationship you can not child mind...

Bogeyface · 07/07/2014 23:36

I just can't understand why you'd go that route unless you absolutely HAD to leave them with someone else

Well quite. There are very few people who would do it out of choice. Hmm

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 07/07/2014 23:40

Oscar Do you also disapprove of grandparents looking after grandchildren?

Because I have been the "angry stranger". And it was granny who didn't notice that grandchild had wandered out of the playground, through the park, through the car park and to within 3m of a major road when I grabbed him.

SquigglySquid · 07/07/2014 23:47

OscarWinningActress

Contrary to popular belief, moms don't get imbibed with psychic abilities when it comes to their children. In real life, moms like any other human being only have reviews and credentials to go off of when it comes to hiring someone. They went through all the right channels to make sure they got a qualified and registered child minder.

Also, I think most people that get nannies get them because they either need or want to work. There's nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/07/2014 23:52

I was also pretty sure I was NBU and I will get him to report (if I had enough of her details I would myself).

It's just the shock of hearing it the distress my brother was feeling and to be quite frank lots of people would describe my niece as spirited,even tho I don't find her a problem. So I just wanted to get a consensus as my reaction to the situation was emotional rather than practical

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