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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stick to my guns re no contact with Mil?

87 replies

ithoughtofitfirst · 07/07/2014 15:00

A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread about giving up on trying to have a relationship with my MIL. long story short she speaks to me like I'm a naughty child, has digs at basically everything I do/say/my parenting skills/my 'dysfunctional' family blah blah BLAH.

My husband thought it was a temporary thing and has, although supportive of my decision, has been slightly hassling me to abandon my strike from fucked up in laws. Which I have no intention of doing. Until further notice. I'm making really good progress rebuilding and healing my wounded self esteem. Why would I voluntarily risk taking 10 steps back only to get no thanks or recognition for doing so.

this morning I got 'my aunt is visiting from Poland. it would be really nice if my mother and her come and see our home with you there'. I would rather throw myself in the river. He can't understand why I can't just grit my teeth for the evening. The woman aggravates my depression, talks down to me in front of my son and husband, slags off my family and rips me to shreds if I try and stick up for myself.

seriously aibu?? Jesus... fuck off already.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/07/2014 15:03

Have you tried being really clear with him, "I have made my decision, it's a forever decision and I am healthier and happier as a result".

Nomama · 07/07/2014 15:12

Let her come, with the aunt, and put your DH on notice that he is to act as witnesses to her awfulness. He will be expected to be 100% honest in the post visit interview.

Then tell him, that was it. You saw, you heard. No more! EVER

EarthWindFire · 07/07/2014 15:15

The thing is I guess it is his house too... Maybe go out with your DS and leave him to it?

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2014 15:21

Oh I think I remember your thread, she was awful about you, your gay brother. Your h was not standing up for you, was taking your ds to his mums every weekend and discussing you. Noway stand your ground, she is toxic. Tell him it's a forever thing, if he loved you he would support your decision.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2014 15:22

Or go out for the day, why is she desperate to see you so she can put you down again.

MagicMojito · 07/07/2014 15:22

Be supportive of your dh seeing his mother, you however are under no obligation to have any contact whatsoever :)

Seriously, I have no idea why people go through all the effort of maintaining relationships with people who make them feel like shit.

Squitten · 07/07/2014 15:34

It would be unreasonable to say that he can't see his own mother and aunt in his own home.

No reason in the world why you have to be there though! I'd be off out for the day and be very clear about exactly why.

AMumInScotland · 07/07/2014 15:36

YANBU. He just wants his aunt to see you all playing 'happy families' rather than have the trouble of coming up with a reason for you not being there, other than "My mother's a witch and my wife's no longer prepared to put up with it"

If his aunt is visiting from Poland, presumably she is in town for more than a single evening? He can schedule a time for her to visit to see him and DS and your home when you are out doing something more enjoyable. Like going to the dentist, or doing a massive supermarket shop, or just going to the cinema!

CrapBag · 07/07/2014 15:42

YANBU.

A simple fuck right off what MrsTerryPratchett said.

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 07/07/2014 15:43

I spoke to my dad about it just now when he popped round and said I can take shelter at their house for a few hours. I feel a bit silly but you're right. Everyone's a winner if I make myself scarce for a while. Sort of! Next we will disagree on who gets DS.

I wish I could just be a super thick skinned person who could just shrug it off. Because she's never going to change. But she just reduces me to a depressed zombie struggling to function. For weeks sometimes, depending on the extent of her behaviour :(

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2014 15:52

No you don't have to put yourself through that and your dh should support you. Good glad you have a plan did you tell your dh what did he say.

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 07/07/2014 16:03

I think he basically agrees to it because he wants me to happy. The bastard! No but seriously... he is such an optimist and he's a bit simple when it comes to stuff like this I think he just keeps thinking 'it's been a few weeks... all sorted yeah?!'

Um no.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2014 16:11

Was that you on the thread where your dh would take ds every sat to see his mum, she gates your family because your brother is gay. He should get his head out the clouds and take more notice his his mum is to you!

Nomama · 07/07/2014 16:29

If she is the MIL who does that then you may have all the more reason to try one very last time and DH gets to be the final arbiter .

Thick skin would be lovely but oh, so very draining. Do you think you could use this visit as a last chance saloon for her? If not then do run and hide with your dad. Personally (not being all wise and giving advice I couldn't follow) I'd go and hide with my dad.

But I would be aware that I would only be extending the horror! I'd expect to be told to front it out one last time, with DH knowing what was expected of him.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

hamptoncourt · 07/07/2014 16:32

I would plan something nice for you and DS to do if you know what day it is. I would not willingly place my child in the path of a known vocal homophobe bitch like your MIL - I remember your thread.

And yes, you need to be firm with DH about your boundaries and say it isn't up for discussion.

I wouldn't actually allow MIL in my home at all so I think you are making a big compromise by allowing her there anyway.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/07/2014 16:40

Well done, OP.

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 07/07/2014 16:49

Thanks everyone. I think I will run off to my parents with boy.

My husband is thinking of having a word with her about her behaviour. Jesus. On one hand I think goof for him. On the other I hope he knows what he's doing. Ah well... guess it's nothing to do with me!

OP posts:

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 07/07/2014 16:52

Good* auto correct is making a mug of me today

OP posts:

RahRahRasputin · 07/07/2014 16:53

Could DH's aunt not visit without MIL? She sounds like a nightmare.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/07/2014 16:53

I agree that you should not have to subject yourself or DS to that vile woman, I don't care if she wants to bring the Angel Gabriel to visit you!

I can't recall from the other thread, does she treat you this way in front of DH? If not and if just seeing her won't set you back, you could tell DH that you'll stay but he must stick to you like glue and at the first remark, you will take DS and leave for your parents' house. If you feel that even looking her in the face would set you back or if she slags you off in front of DH, then not only no, but HELL NO you should not subject yourself to that.

As far as who gets DS, I guess it would be nice for Aunty Poland to be able to see him. IIRC he's too young now to understand TVW's (that vile woman) homophobic and negative remarks. If that's the case I guess it would do no harm. Otherwise, off he goes with you.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2014 16:57

No no no op she is vile, you do not have to be subjected to that! Have a lovely day away from her.

Joysmum · 07/07/2014 17:08

Who would it be lovely for if you are there?

You? No!

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 07/07/2014 17:55

I physically can't stand being around her. Just the thought of it makes me feel so anxious. Just remembering a time when I Skyped her sister with her and she told me she could tell I was struggling to shift the baby weight and that my hair was terrible like a bad hair cut she had in the 80s. I dont want to blow my own trumpet but my hair always looks good and I'm a slim size 10. Fucking cheeky bitch.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 07/07/2014 17:59

If you are feeling really evil, you could ask Polish aunty round, exclude MIL, and then put on an Oscar Winning Performance as the nicest DIL anyoneintheworldcouldwishfor.

That is what I would do

Original poster

ithoughtofitfirst · 07/07/2014 18:18

Haha ! I think whatever I did or however I act she would still think I was a twat. They're like the fucking witches of eastwick when they're together or apart.

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