to stick to my guns re no contact with Mil?

[ithoughtofitfirst]

A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread about giving up on trying to have a relationship with my MIL. long story short she speaks to me like I'm a naughty child, has digs at basically everything I do/say/my parenting skills/my 'dysfunctional' family blah blah BLAH.

My husband thought it was a temporary thing and has, although supportive of my decision, has been slightly hassling me to abandon my strike from fucked up in laws. Which I have no intention of doing. Until further notice. I'm making really good progress rebuilding and healing my wounded self esteem. Why would I voluntarily risk taking 10 steps back only to get no thanks or recognition for doing so.

this morning I got 'my aunt is visiting from Poland. it would be really nice if my mother and her come and see our home with you there'. I would rather throw myself in the river. He can't understand why I can't just grit my teeth for the evening. The woman aggravates my depression, talks down to me in front of my son and husband, slags off my family and rips me to shreds if I try and stick up for myself.

seriously aibu?? Jesus... fuck off already.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

It is my sanctuary. I moved back home when ds was about 4mo to get some space and perspective and we bought our current home when he was 10mo as a fresh start. Fast forward over a year ds in now 26mo this has been a happy home. The only thing getting in my way of being happy is constant crap I get from MIL and husbands failure to see the impact if has on my mental health and my self esteem.

I have given it some thought and would rather not be driven out for the day/evening when I'm 6 months pregnant and just want to be with my son and have my things around me.

I'm starting to feel really trapped in my life :(

[PicandMinx]

Keep well away from them. I learned a long time ago that you can't keep everyone happy, so just keep yourself happy. Don't get involved in their drama. You can't play their game because you don't know the rules. Don't bother with them. You don't have to impress anyone. Why do you want to waste your time and energy on people that obviously don't like you? If your DH wants to see his family - that's his look out. You have your DS. Your own family. No one else matters. Fuck 'em

[PicandMinx]

OP, one of my DF's favourite expressions was - "just say no - never explain, never apologise". Use it!

[IamSlave]

when I'm 6 months pregnant what! I didnt even realise you are pregnant.

op the hard work comes from being wishy washy and worried. you are the pregnant lady you will take no stress.

your DH is proably afraid of his DM kicking off

Say to him very firmly, there is no way I am leaving this house or having your mother here and I am pregnant. so leave me alone I will not hear another word about it.

[Janethegirl]

I once told my mil to fuck off ( to her face). She didn't speak or visit me for 2 years, best 2 years of my life. Worth a try??

[PicandMinx]

Jane

[Aeroflotgirl]

Good idea jane. I can't believe your dh is not supporting you and your 6?months pregnant. they can meet elsewhere!

[ithoughtofitfirst]

iamslave I definitely just took your advice and played the pregnant card. Shame I can't use it forever more!

aeroflotgirl what do you reckon? Tell them to swivel they cant come here?

janethegirl I've always wanted to do that!! I think it would have much the same outcome haha

[Janethegirl]

It happened during an awkward scenario at one of the Dcs birthday parties and she kept rearranging things etc and I just couldn't keep my gob shut, but I later wished I'd said it years before.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes tell dh tgey can meet elsewhere as you are pregnant and need to rest. It's your home to and your carrying HIS baby, he should be looking after you and making sure your stress free. Too much stress is not good on baby, and remind him that!

[ithoughtofitfirst]

That's hilarious! I bet she looked like you'd just thrown shit in her face.

I think I am pretty decided that's what I'm going to do. Now all I have to do is wait for the guilt to kick in!

[Aeroflotgirl]

No don't feel guilty, he should for expecting to put up with his toxic mother. What planet is he on? Does he realise how horrid she is to you?

[Janethegirl]

Forget the guilt, it's never worth it 1 glass only tho'

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Thanks ladies I feel less guilty today. She's a big girl she will live. The fact that she's not used to dealing with consequences of her behaviour is entirely her problem.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Exactly, she's a grown woman and she should realise consequences of her behaviour.

[eddielizzard]

i would tell your dh to go and see his mum and aunt. no reason for them to come to your home.

[IamSlave]

The fact that she's not used to dealing with consequences of her behaviour is entirely her problem

absolutely. dont take on her feelings, they are not yours, you deal with your own.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think you are doing the right thing. And perhaps forbidding mil the house will be a wake up call to DH that he needs to start being more supportive of you.

This must all be so distressing for you. Please remember that in your condition, right now you are the most important member of your family. And don't be afraid to point that out!

[darkness]

In order for your self esteem not to suffer here you need to be true to your feelings
she has hurt you and you have taken a decision not to let her any more
if she comes around with her sister you are being complicit with her - effectively saying
"you have been vile to me - we both know it but I will pretend in front of others you haven’t.. so she wins - she gets to be vile and no-one knows...thats awful
or
she comes round and you are unable to maintain your normal life in your own home and are forced to leave - possibly taking your child too - she wins - because she gets to be vile to you and can chase you from your own house and its not made public that she has been so awful
or
she asks to come around with a friend - and you say no - you’ve been vile to me - you are not welcome in my house or my life until I choose to make that decision I will not be pushed into making that decision at anyone else’s convenience
I will not "fail to tell " people you have behaved badly to protect you
what I feel is real
if you wish to see dh then he can come to you - please make arrangements with him directly

as soon as you start to pretend anything for her benefit you can kiss goodbye to your self esteem

[darkness]

sorry "come round with her sister" - not a friend -

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Thanks ladies. It's been the hardest decision I've ever made just because 'sticking to it' means every so often I challenge it wondering is it really that bad? But it really is that bad. It's actually worse than anything I experienced in school, uni or in the workplace.

[IamSlave]

if she comes around with her sister you are being complicit with her - effectively saying
"you have been vile to me - we both know it but I will pretend in front of others you haven’t.. so she wins - she gets to be vile and no-one knows...thats awful

v true, like that part ...being complicit

[IamSlave]

as soon as you start to pretend anything for her benefit you can kiss goodbye to your self esteem

I agree. its seems like the hard road to stand up for yourself, I have been down this road, the weight of the family hating me, but you know what....I don't care any more..I do feel better in myself...

[IamSlave]

Excellent post Darkness.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

iamslave it was an excellent post! I think they all have been. They've all helped me loads. I know that feeling of the weight on your conscience like you're spoiling the happy families :(