to stick to my guns re no contact with Mil?

[ithoughtofitfirst]

A couple of weeks ago I posted a thread about giving up on trying to have a relationship with my MIL. long story short she speaks to me like I'm a naughty child, has digs at basically everything I do/say/my parenting skills/my 'dysfunctional' family blah blah BLAH.

My husband thought it was a temporary thing and has, although supportive of my decision, has been slightly hassling me to abandon my strike from fucked up in laws. Which I have no intention of doing. Until further notice. I'm making really good progress rebuilding and healing my wounded self esteem. Why would I voluntarily risk taking 10 steps back only to get no thanks or recognition for doing so.

this morning I got 'my aunt is visiting from Poland. it would be really nice if my mother and her come and see our home with you there'. I would rather throw myself in the river. He can't understand why I can't just grit my teeth for the evening. The woman aggravates my depression, talks down to me in front of my son and husband, slags off my family and rips me to shreds if I try and stick up for myself.

seriously aibu?? Jesus... fuck off already.

[IamSlave]

I am not sure about you leaving the house actually, I do not think its a good idea although it seems like it....

I mean will MIL leave her home so you can your DH can visit FIL? I dont think so.


"it would be really nice if my mother and her come and see our home with you there'"

Yes it would have been nice in a functioning family where MIL was respectful to me, unfortunatly she is not....Aunt is more than welcome here on her own..

[IamSlave]

Let her come, with the aunt, and put your DH on notice that he is to act as witnesses to her awfulness. He will be expected to be 100% honest in the post visit interview

she wont be awful she will be on best behaviour, my DH even gets a kiss of his DM....when visitors are there.

[IamSlave]

I dont understand why the aunt cant visit you and your dh by herself? your home is a separate entity why does mil need to be with her?

[ithoughtofitfirst]

I think if she tried to get here on foot or by bus she would end up in Upper Cwmtwrch. Bless her. Which leaves her with the option of just being dropped off by MIL. Awkward. Or get DH to pick her up on her own. Awkward.

For him I mean. He wouldnt put himself In that position. I couldn't give a fuck how she gets from A to B quite frankly.

[IamSlave]

darling its not YOU who needs to feel akward.

we have done it DH has picked up family members or they have been dropped off....no problems.


all your DH has to say is , I am sorry I thought itsnt happy at the moment, however AUNT i can pick you up and you can pop over OR mil can you drop her off?

in a very casual way, as if its the perfect soloution - WHICH IT IS. we do it.

its not YOU who needs worry about any akwardness.

[Hissy]

The only power you have ever had in any of this is that which you have right now.

Say NO and mean it.

Let her be ashamed in front of her sister who probably knows what she's like already

If you go along with this, you've wasted an opportunity to show her that her treatment of you is unacceptable and not going to be allowed to continue.

[IamSlave]

I agree Hissy OP YOUR NEXT move is crucial

[ithoughtofitfirst]

You're so right. It's my home fgs!

[OurMiracle1106]

I would be very tempted to say your aunt and mum are welcome here but I will not be present whilst they are. I understand it is your home dh as much as it is mine but, you also should understand that I do not wish to be around people who make me feel uncomfortable, or put me down and lower my self esteem.

If he asks "what do I say to them then" say the truth. Tell your mum if she cant accept my gay brother and has nothing nice to say to or about me then I don't wish to have any contact with her

[IamSlave]

Just get your DH to speak to aunt now and make his own arrangments iwth her,,,rather then beoing at mils whim and letting her do the organising

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Oh god! I don't know what to do!

[IamSlave]

Please do not leave your own home! for god sake!

Just tell DH - in light way look MIl and Ithought are having a few issues I am sorry it wont be convenient to host you both however I am happy to pick you up or she can drop you off...

[PicandMinx]

I agree with you OP - "Jesus....fuck off already" is a prefect response to MIL and her Side Bitch. You don't have to entertain them. I don't care that it's your DH's house as well. So what? It's your sanctuary and you shouldn't be made to leave. If he wants to see HIS relatives, them he can go see 'em. Your DS stays with you.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

As the evening is getting on I feel increasingly depressed and horrendous. She makes me feel ill.

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Thanks guys you're all really cheering me up

[IamSlave]

It's your sanctuary and you shouldn't be made to leave.

YY

Look.

I went through all this angst and drama too. A good friend said to me, YOU care about their feelings YOU dont want to upset them..even though its YOU being upset and on the receiveing end of some pretty horrendous behaviour.

He said whilst I was agonising over doing the right thing they were probably not even thinking of me, or doing right thing by me for one second. he was proved very right numrous times over hte years.

YOU can choose whether to sweat over this, your sweating over sticking up for yourself though....you have already made huge steps to freedom...keep going...

You can choose to make a big deal of this, and agonise and swear or choose to make a very simple descion, that is, i am not leaving my home, and mil is not coming here with aunt.

end of....They will have to work round you.

[Roundbales]

Stuff her...don't leave your house for her!

[myroomisatip]

There is absolutely no need for Aunt to see your home, fgs is it a stately home?

If he wants to see his Aunt tell him to take her out to tea!

[findingherfeet]

Now I haven't read what horrors your mil has subjected you to but from the

[Milmingebag]

Tell your husband to go to MIL's house alone to see the Aunt and that she is not welcome at yours.

[findingherfeet]

Sorry from above she looks hideous .... But isn't going no contact with mil going to make life really difficult with hubs? Future family occasions/relations between In laws and your kid/s....?Especially as it sounds like he doesn't really get it, would it not be better to take up his offer of speaking to her and finding a bit of peace? Or am I just soft ?

Personally I'd have them both over and be the.best.hostess.ever so his aunt would be impressed and tell your mil so (and hopefully put her in her place a bit) your husband needs to stand up for you a bit more vocally too and not let her 'comments' go.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

And if she wants to see ds she needs to stop making homophobic remarks because a. His d uncle is gay and b. It's not 1861.

[IamSlave]

so his aunt would be impressed and tell your mil so

I think you will find going down the route of trying impress people like this is one to more heart break and failure.

The aunt, her sister will I am sure already have been filed on ops faults...and knows the issues...usually blood sticks with blood...not much op could say or do will fight the flood she has had from mil already ( the sister).

best to bow out of games like this and just say NO.

Lets say The Aunt was super independant and critical thinker....and not swayed by her sister - the mil, then I am afraid there is more risk of problems with MIL being pissed off sister was praising evil DIL.

dont enter the tangled mess....cut straight though it with a nice clear NO.

[findingherfeet]

Fair enough, probably just the wimp in me. I just know personally that both me and hubs have hard work family members but we sort of just get on with it (together mind) because otherwise it just makes life too hard. Neither of us would take well to the other going 'non contact' though.

However OP your mil sounds like she has been very blatant in her appalling comments and rudeness but again I'd ask where your husband is in sticking up for you? Surely it's for him to tell his mum the offence she has caused and hence why the visit will be difficult.