To ask my son to move out?

[ConfusedDotty]

This is a huge decision for me, wasn't sure whether to put it here or the WWYD board. It's gonna be a long one.

My DP and me live with my DS who is 20 in a rented house. My DS is 20 and does not work, go to college and is not actively seeking a job of any kind. This has been a bone of contention for a while now. DS plays on his PC till early hours of the morning and gets out of bed late afternoon.

I have asked and pleaded with DS to do something with his life, this has never happened. He contributes nothing to the household.

This is the crux. Me and DP have been offered somewhere amazing to live. It's a beautiful place and the rent is £300 cheaper than what we pay now, but it's only a one bedroomed place, so no room for my DS.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to go and live with either his sister or his father?

I may not have given you enough information to go on, so feel free to ask me anything more.

[IAmANightOwl]

I think you should definitely tell him it's time to move out, live his life and start paying his own way. My brother is 40 and still living at home! My Mum doesn't entertain the idea of him ever moving out as she loves having him there but my Dad wishes he would leave as he feels there is three in his marriage. My brother seems highly insecure and not able to cope outside in the real world, despite the fact that he is university educated but as there isn't much call for his type of work where we live, he often just sits around in his room, reading (he never goes out, has no friends, has never had a girlfriend but for some reason my Mum doesn't think it's odd!) It winds my Dad up something chronic but my Mum won't hear a bad word said and he is convinced that sometimes my brother pays nothing for his keep Unfortunately I can't ever see him moving out, which I feel is bad for my parents as they are past retirement age and not wealthy enough to keep sustaining him like this indefinitely! Do something now whilst he is still young enough to make that change, don't wait another 20 years as you could live to regret it.

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks night owl. That's exactly what I don't want either for him or me and DP.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Hope you're getting on okay, Dotty ... I believe you said it was today you were going to have the talk??

[SquigglySquid]

The only time my brother lived with our parents is when he was in a job that wasn't making enough for him to live on his own, and was actively looking for a better job.

Your son needs to be looking for work, or doing something to help contribute.

I'd kick him out, give him notice. He's a grown man, he won't starve or go homeless.

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks once again.

The internet went off on Tuesday, and since then we have seen quite a change in him.

He is up at 7/8am, still not great but far far better than 6pm and now has a normal bedtime.

I spoke with him yesterday, explained he needs to do something now, the biggest tool I have is withholding the internet, silly as it sounds, but it's true, so he listened.

He is going to the Job Centre next week. He hasn't got a clue what he wants to do but now is realising he needs to do something.

As with regard to the move, we are not going ahead with it, not because of DS, but thinking about it, it's not practical to have just one bedroom, even though it's location was idyllic. We will wait till property is sold and buy in the future. I am glad talk of the move came up as it's forced things to a head.

Thanks you all for all your advice, I will repoart back with any updates.

[Realitybitesyourbum]

You say he doesn't need any income but that's because you are paying everything for him! How is he meant to learn that the internet, food, electricity, water, phone etc costs money if you never charge him for it? Tell him he has three months and then you will be charging him £20 a week board. If he doesn't pay, he must move out and find someone else who will support him. Does he not have any ambition? Does he really think he can continue like that all his life?

Why all this gentle talk? You need to give him a rocket up his arse!

[Gen35]

Good dotty I hope you set expectations with him that a move is in the offing soonish though, and you expect him to have proper life plans in place soon, as you expect he will not be moving with you. Keep the internet off! I do think it's as bad as any other addiction for some people. Good luck!

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks. The Internet is still off here.

[Serendipity30]

Er, he should move out pronto I am the oldest of five siblings, i moves out at 18, my other brother 22 has moved out and currently lives and works abroad although he has a learning disability. My younger brother 21 just finished uni, graduating next week and is moving into a shared house at the beginning of August. This is despite experiencing mental health problems in his second year at uni. He has also just found a job after searching throughout his final year at uni. The point is OP's son is not even trying to do anything. If he was at uni or working he would be able to contribute something instead but has decided to sit back and let his mother fund him while at home. It is not easy to find work and accommodation but it is not impossible, you have to be bothered first. I moved out at 18 lived with others, then got my own flat and have never moved back in.OP you have to help him to help himself by giving him notice to find alternative accommodation. Do not find it for him as it defeats the purpose. 20 is not too young, at 18 you are an adult, able to drink, drive, have sex, vote, get married, have a job, have a bank account, travel independently etc. so whats the issue.