To ask my son to move out?

[ConfusedDotty]

This is a huge decision for me, wasn't sure whether to put it here or the WWYD board. It's gonna be a long one.

My DP and me live with my DS who is 20 in a rented house. My DS is 20 and does not work, go to college and is not actively seeking a job of any kind. This has been a bone of contention for a while now. DS plays on his PC till early hours of the morning and gets out of bed late afternoon.

I have asked and pleaded with DS to do something with his life, this has never happened. He contributes nothing to the household.

This is the crux. Me and DP have been offered somewhere amazing to live. It's a beautiful place and the rent is £300 cheaper than what we pay now, but it's only a one bedroomed place, so no room for my DS.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to go and live with either his sister or his father?

I may not have given you enough information to go on, so feel free to ask me anything more.

[Serendipity30]

Er, he should move out pronto I am the oldest of five siblings, i moves out at 18, my other brother 22 has moved out and currently lives and works abroad although he has a learning disability. My younger brother 21 just finished uni, graduating next week and is moving into a shared house at the beginning of August. This is despite experiencing mental health problems in his second year at uni. He has also just found a job after searching throughout his final year at uni. The point is OP's son is not even trying to do anything. If he was at uni or working he would be able to contribute something instead but has decided to sit back and let his mother fund him while at home. It is not easy to find work and accommodation but it is not impossible, you have to be bothered first. I moved out at 18 lived with others, then got my own flat and have never moved back in.OP you have to help him to help himself by giving him notice to find alternative accommodation. Do not find it for him as it defeats the purpose. 20 is not too young, at 18 you are an adult, able to drink, drive, have sex, vote, get married, have a job, have a bank account, travel independently etc. so whats the issue.

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks. The Internet is still off here.

[Gen35]

Good dotty I hope you set expectations with him that a move is in the offing soonish though, and you expect him to have proper life plans in place soon, as you expect he will not be moving with you. Keep the internet off! I do think it's as bad as any other addiction for some people. Good luck!

[Realitybitesyourbum]

You say he doesn't need any income but that's because you are paying everything for him! How is he meant to learn that the internet, food, electricity, water, phone etc costs money if you never charge him for it? Tell him he has three months and then you will be charging him £20 a week board. If he doesn't pay, he must move out and find someone else who will support him. Does he not have any ambition? Does he really think he can continue like that all his life?

Why all this gentle talk? You need to give him a rocket up his arse!

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks once again.

The internet went off on Tuesday, and since then we have seen quite a change in him.

He is up at 7/8am, still not great but far far better than 6pm and now has a normal bedtime.

I spoke with him yesterday, explained he needs to do something now, the biggest tool I have is withholding the internet, silly as it sounds, but it's true, so he listened.

He is going to the Job Centre next week. He hasn't got a clue what he wants to do but now is realising he needs to do something.

As with regard to the move, we are not going ahead with it, not because of DS, but thinking about it, it's not practical to have just one bedroom, even though it's location was idyllic. We will wait till property is sold and buy in the future. I am glad talk of the move came up as it's forced things to a head.

Thanks you all for all your advice, I will repoart back with any updates.

[SquigglySquid]

The only time my brother lived with our parents is when he was in a job that wasn't making enough for him to live on his own, and was actively looking for a better job.

Your son needs to be looking for work, or doing something to help contribute.

I'd kick him out, give him notice. He's a grown man, he won't starve or go homeless.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Hope you're getting on okay, Dotty ... I believe you said it was today you were going to have the talk??

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks night owl. That's exactly what I don't want either for him or me and DP.

[IAmANightOwl]

I think you should definitely tell him it's time to move out, live his life and start paying his own way. My brother is 40 and still living at home! My Mum doesn't entertain the idea of him ever moving out as she loves having him there but my Dad wishes he would leave as he feels there is three in his marriage. My brother seems highly insecure and not able to cope outside in the real world, despite the fact that he is university educated but as there isn't much call for his type of work where we live, he often just sits around in his room, reading (he never goes out, has no friends, has never had a girlfriend but for some reason my Mum doesn't think it's odd!) It winds my Dad up something chronic but my Mum won't hear a bad word said and he is convinced that sometimes my brother pays nothing for his keep Unfortunately I can't ever see him moving out, which I feel is bad for my parents as they are past retirement age and not wealthy enough to keep sustaining him like this indefinitely! Do something now whilst he is still young enough to make that change, don't wait another 20 years as you could live to regret it.

[Hedgehogsrule]

Is he talking to you?
If not, do you think it would help to get him a few sessions of counselling?

[Topaz25]

You've done everything you can. You've encouraged him to do something with his life, he insists he isn't depressed and you can't drag him to the doctors. My brother is 20 years old and still lives at home with our mother but he is suffering from mental health problems and actively involved in treatment and he's willing to look for work when he's well enough so it's a different situation. Your son needs to start taking responsibility, either for getting help if he has issues or finding work if he doesn't. Maybe having notice will help him plan and actually move forward with his life, otherwise how long will this go on? You can be supportive without financially supporting him. Talk things through with him and encourage him to see the move as a positive process for both of you.

[ConfusedDotty]

It's bad enough getting him to go to the local Sainsburys let alone the USA.

I just want him to be happy and have an active life in which he can achieve something. Once he gets out there and starts earning I am hoping this will open up his eyes and realise there is actually a real world out there.

Once again thanks to all of you for your advice.

[PixieofCatan]

OP, I read this yesterday thinking that YANBU at all. If he's really desperate for work and a roof over his head then there is always seasonal work to be done and they provide accommodation and a meal a day (usually the latter anyway). Glad to see you'll be talking to him Friday as he needs to know ASAP. I could totally have seen myself in his position if I didn't fall into seasonal work, I was very depressed but couldn't see a way out. No jobs nearby so no money, so stuck with my parents and no way of moving out. I got heavily into PC gaming when I was at home trying to settle down near my family.

Don't sign him up for Camp America. I've done PGL (a UK equivalent) and it requires you to be perky and happy constantly, it's long hours, hard work and pays minimally. Great fun! But difficult and those who weren't interested in being outdoors or with kids didn't get as much out of it.

[Hedgehogsrule]

If he's not managing to get out of bed, expecting him to get a job in the US is on the optimistic side...

[TheHumancatapult]

Should add he is pretty good round home ( due to my disability and his brothers)
But has struggled with work as place went bust but needs some more experiance but also does struggle social wise hence pushing him do this as get him used to being away from home and meet new people

[TheHumancatapult]

what about encouraging him to maybe do something like this if decide cant ask him to move out yet www.campamerica.co.uk/

Just to get him out and socialising and fending for self my 20 year old has registered ready for next year

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I totally get what you're saying about the friendly talks, Dotty

You know him best of course, but can I suggest you might need to be careful about what he'll agree to once he hears about the possible move? I'm just thinking that it might prompt promises which may or may not actually be kept ...

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks puzzled. I know it needs to change and friendly talks are just not working.

Whether we move or not, I need a drastic change.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Just got home from work and he us still in bed

What, at around 6pm??!!!!! If you're sure he's mentally okay then as I said, you really will be doing him a favour long-term by forcing this move

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks everyone.

Just got home from work and he us still in bed!

The modem is being confiscated tonight and I am off on Friday, I will talk to him then. It's so difficult.

[beccajoh]

Move, but don't suggest he lives with his sister or dad. He's an adult so let him sort himself out.

[Meerka]

confused, there can be dangers letting someone stay in his room all day on the net. Got a friend in this situation, highly intelligent, decent young man. He got addicted to a certain computer game and has lost about 4 years of his life, if not more - no wait, it must be 8 or so now.

He is now too unsocialized and too depressed to leave the house or look for jobs or socialise. He's worked in the past, he's not workshy. His weight has gone up dramatically, feeding into the social-fear. It's so sad, wish we could help him more than we already have (enabled him to move to another less job-deprived area but he's too afraid to move now) but there's nothing we can do. He just lives at home off his parents and plays this game, gets forced out to walk the dog, that's it.

Allowing someone 6 months to vegetate can be a good thing, it can give them breathing space. But much longer carries its own risks. It does sound a good idea to make him face that you won't be in that house for that much longer and he'll have to stand on his own two feet.

I speak as someone whose home circumstances were made so uncomfortable that I had to leave at 17 and I'd have given anything to have a home to fall back on. There's a balance, and loving and decent parents like you will always be there if the crunch comes and he genuinely needs help. Atm, it sounds like the help he needs (as opposed to wants!) is to have to live on his own.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

You definitely need to moot it to him now to give him time to get used to the idea and start making his plans. You can present it to him as an opportunity and be supportive etc etc so that he doesn't just think "Mum's booting me out! ". Also, even if you're not sure it's happening yet, surely you know that for his own sense of self-esteem he needs to start being independent, so you might as well tell him now anyway.

[bberry]

You are enabling him to do nothing...

Discuss this with him... If he gets a job and contributes the £300 rent and towards bills would you stay where you are?