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AIBU?

To ask my son to move out?

135 replies

ConfusedDotty · 06/07/2014 19:43

This is a huge decision for me, wasn't sure whether to put it here or the WWYD board. It's gonna be a long one.

My DP and me live with my DS who is 20 in a rented house. My DS is 20 and does not work, go to college and is not actively seeking a job of any kind. This has been a bone of contention for a while now. DS plays on his PC till early hours of the morning and gets out of bed late afternoon.

I have asked and pleaded with DS to do something with his life, this has never happened. He contributes nothing to the household.

This is the crux. Me and DP have been offered somewhere amazing to live. It's a beautiful place and the rent is Â£300 cheaper than what we pay now, but it's only a one bedroomed place, so no room for my DS.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to go and live with either his sister or his father?

I may not have given you enough information to go on, so feel free to ask me anything more.

OP posts:

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glasgowstevenagain · 07/07/2014 12:44

Moving in with my daughter is a bad idea, I realise that now as it would put added pressure on her, I will not pursue that one.

You said she is in a house share, so he would not be moving in with her, he would be taking on his own responsibilities of rent etc etc and with no income......

I would give him his notice that you are moving out and he needs to do something - if that is move in with his dad so be it.

if not he could try to work abroad -

Aussiemum78 · 07/07/2014 12:51

I'm not sure about chucking him out,

But I'd say he has one week to get a job, enrol in a course or sign up to volunteer somewhere. He also will do at least half of the cooking and cleaning.

Even unemployed people, barring illness, have responsibilities.

ConfusedDotty · 07/07/2014 13:06

To answer the renting situation, both DP and myself are property owners, with both mortgages fully paid off. We chose to rent as we want to be in this particular area but are not in a position to sell our properties at thie moment in time.

OP posts:

AgathaF · 07/07/2014 13:11

Does he know that you would like to move to this other property, and how does he feel about it? Has he said how he would support himself if he moved out?

I agree that you can't make him see a Dr to check out the depression. I think men, probably especially some young men, are not great at that sort of thing. Could you talk to him about depression, forward him some stuff to read on the internet about it, perhaps some self-help stuff?

ConfusedDotty · 07/07/2014 13:31

Agatha. I have tried, I have shown him bits on the internet about game addiction and gently questioned him about depression but he actually seems happy enough.

He dosen't know anything about teh move yet, as nothing is definate and it wouldn't happen till the Autumn.

OP posts:

ErnestShufflebottom · 07/07/2014 13:32

Do it. There is a woman in my work in almost the exact same situation as you, only difference is she is single. It's really sad seeing her working full time whilst her son leaches off her. You need to do what is best for. you and he needs to grow up.

Gen35 · 07/07/2014 13:45

Why not tell him your plans ASAP? Then you havelts of time to support him sorting himself out. Even if you don't end up moving, you can't let this carry on for his own sake. I'd get right onto it and support him while making it clear be has a deadline.

glasgowstevenagain · 07/07/2014 13:54

Autumn will be here before he knows it!

He needs time to work and save for a deposit etc etc

AgathaF · 07/07/2014 14:34

I don't think you can hold off telling him about this, even if it isn't completely decided yet. He needs time to sort himself out. If he ends up living with his dad,then he may need to try to find work in a different area too, which will make it even harder for him.

Iflyaway · 08/07/2014 09:39

I agree with telling him now. Autumn is just over 2 months away.

It may shock him into the kick up the ass he needs.

You know, we are not doing our kids any favours by enabling their dependence.
Because we, re not going to be around for ever....

bberry · 08/07/2014 09:53

You are enabling him to do nothing...

Discuss this with him... If he gets a job and contributes the £300 rent and towards bills would you stay where you are?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 08/07/2014 10:09

You definitely need to moot it to him now to give him time to get used to the idea and start making his plans. You can present it to him as an opportunity and be supportive etc etc so that he doesn't just think "Mum's booting me out! ". Also, even if you're not sure it's happening yet, surely you know that for his own sense of self-esteem he needs to start being independent, so you might as well tell him now anyway.

Meerka · 08/07/2014 11:44

confused, there can be dangers letting someone stay in his room all day on the net. Got a friend in this situation, highly intelligent, decent young man. He got addicted to a certain computer game and has lost about 4 years of his life, if not more - no wait, it must be 8 or so now.

He is now too unsocialized and too depressed to leave the house or look for jobs or socialise. He's worked in the past, he's not workshy. His weight has gone up dramatically, feeding into the social-fear. It's so sad, wish we could help him more than we already have (enabled him to move to another less job-deprived area but he's too afraid to move now) but there's nothing we can do. He just lives at home off his parents and plays this game, gets forced out to walk the dog, that's it.

Allowing someone 6 months to vegetate can be a good thing, it can give them breathing space. But much longer carries its own risks. It does sound a good idea to make him face that you won't be in that house for that much longer and he'll have to stand on his own two feet.

I speak as someone whose home circumstances were made so uncomfortable that I had to leave at 17 and I'd have given anything to have a home to fall back on. There's a balance, and loving and decent parents like you will always be there if the crunch comes and he genuinely needs help. Atm, it sounds like the help he needs (as opposed to wants!) is to have to live on his own.

beccajoh · 08/07/2014 11:45

Move, but don't suggest he lives with his sister or dad. He's an adult so let him sort himself out.

ConfusedDotty · 08/07/2014 18:19

Thanks everyone.

Just got home from work and he us still in bed!

The modem is being confiscated tonight and I am off on Friday, I will talk to him then. It's so difficult.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/07/2014 18:59

Just got home from work and he us still in bed

What, at around 6pm??!!!!! If you're sure he's mentally okay then as I said, you really will be doing him a favour long-term by forcing this move

ConfusedDotty · 08/07/2014 19:18

Thanks puzzled. I know it needs to change and friendly talks are just not working.

Whether we move or not, I need a drastic change.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/07/2014 19:37

I totally get what you're saying about the friendly talks, Dotty

You know him best of course, but can I suggest you might need to be careful about what he'll agree to once he hears about the possible move? I'm just thinking that it might prompt promises which may or may not actually be kept ...

TheHumancatapult · 08/07/2014 19:38

what about encouraging him to maybe do something like this if decide cant ask him to move out yet www.campamerica.co.uk/

Just to get him out and socialising and fending for self my 20 year old has registered ready for next year

TheHumancatapult · 08/07/2014 19:41

Should add he is pretty good round home ( due to my disability and his brothers)
But has struggled with work as place went bust but needs some more experiance but also does struggle social wise hence pushing him do this as get him used to being away from home and meet new people

Hedgehogsrule · 09/07/2014 09:33

If he's not managing to get out of bed, expecting him to get a job in the US is on the optimistic side...

PixieofCatan · 09/07/2014 09:43

OP, I read this yesterday thinking that YANBU at all. If he's really desperate for work and a roof over his head then there is always seasonal work to be done and they provide accommodation and a meal a day (usually the latter anyway). Glad to see you'll be talking to him Friday as he needs to know ASAP. I could totally have seen myself in his position if I didn't fall into seasonal work, I was very depressed but couldn't see a way out. No jobs nearby so no money, so stuck with my parents and no way of moving out. I got heavily into PC gaming when I was at home trying to settle down near my family.

Don't sign him up for Camp America. I've done PGL (a UK equivalent) and it requires you to be perky and happy constantly, it's long hours, hard work and pays minimally. Great fun! But difficult and those who weren't interested in being outdoors or with kids didn't get as much out of it.

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ConfusedDotty · 09/07/2014 10:04

It's bad enough getting him to go to the local Sainsburys let alone the USA.

I just want him to be happy and have an active life in which he can achieve something. Once he gets out there and starts earning I am hoping this will open up his eyes and realise there is actually a real world out there.

Once again thanks to all of you for your advice.

OP posts:

Topaz25 · 09/07/2014 10:48

You've done everything you can. You've encouraged him to do something with his life, he insists he isn't depressed and you can't drag him to the doctors. My brother is 20 years old and still lives at home with our mother but he is suffering from mental health problems and actively involved in treatment and he's willing to look for work when he's well enough so it's a different situation. Your son needs to start taking responsibility, either for getting help if he has issues or finding work if he doesn't. Maybe having notice will help him plan and actually move forward with his life, otherwise how long will this go on? You can be supportive without financially supporting him. Talk things through with him and encourage him to see the move as a positive process for both of you.

Hedgehogsrule · 09/07/2014 10:53

Is he talking to you?
If not, do you think it would help to get him a few sessions of counselling?

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