To ask my son to move out?

[ConfusedDotty]

This is a huge decision for me, wasn't sure whether to put it here or the WWYD board. It's gonna be a long one.

My DP and me live with my DS who is 20 in a rented house. My DS is 20 and does not work, go to college and is not actively seeking a job of any kind. This has been a bone of contention for a while now. DS plays on his PC till early hours of the morning and gets out of bed late afternoon.

I have asked and pleaded with DS to do something with his life, this has never happened. He contributes nothing to the household.

This is the crux. Me and DP have been offered somewhere amazing to live. It's a beautiful place and the rent is £300 cheaper than what we pay now, but it's only a one bedroomed place, so no room for my DS.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to go and live with either his sister or his father?

I may not have given you enough information to go on, so feel free to ask me anything more.

[honourinoneeye]

Oriunda, I am, genuinely, pleased for you, although you don't state how old you/your sister were.

My dad did this when I was 17; brother 19. It was hugely unsettling and while on the face of it I coped, the truth is I didn't really.

My brother really didn't cope. It started with a shared house in a nasty part of town and was the start of a descent into depression and MH problems - he killed himself aged 24.

I am not for a moment suggesting that this is the natural course of events for anyone considering chucking a lazy adult child out but I personally think 20 is just too young. It's too easy to trot out the tired "he's an adult" line: my birthday is September 2; I was an "adult" whilst still at school. Becoming an adult is a gradual process and doesn't (and shouldn't) start with being made homeless.

That doesn't mean the OP should accept the DS's behaviour. She shouldn't. But chucking him out is likely to be counter productive and possibly hugely damaging to their relationship.

[MexicanSpringtime]

On the little information you give here, I would be in favor of asking to leave.

My mother made it clear that, as I had dropped out of school, I would have to work and give her a weekly stipend for expenses. It was the making of me.

I am basically a lazy sod and if someone had been happen to keep me, I would never have acheived anything in this world.

[noddyholder]

I agree with honour some swim but many sink in this situation. My mum did this to me and all my siblings. It was a disaster in many ways. My sister and I kept it together and have done ok but have no relationship with her. My brother was addicted to heroin as that's where it led him

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He is a really clever boy who can do lots with his life if he chose to

And there you have it ... if he wasn't able to help himself it would be different, but if he simply doesn' want to then you'll actually be doing him a favour (though I'm sure he won't think so at the time)

Enjoy your lovely new home and on't forget to plan lots of lovely treats for yourselves

[steff13]

What is the timeframe of him having to move? I think you should do what's best for yourself and your husband, but if your son hasn't been made to work and pay rent up until now, he needs some notice so he can get things in order.

[MidniteScribbler]

I think you are being unreasonable to expect his sister to have to step up and take responsibility for him when you aren't willing to. She didn't give birth to him, you did, so it's your job, not hers.

[defineme]

What was he like at school? Why is he not in further education? Did he ever try for jobs? Are you sure he has no mental health issues or special needs? Does he have friends?

[lessthanBeau]

I notice no here has actually mentioned his father as you did in the OP, yes tell him he has to go live with his father now, I am assuming father has room for him and will take him in, if thats right then why shouldnt he live with him for a bit , maybe his father will give him the kick up the backside he needs, just make sure you make it clear to him that you are in no way cutting him off and will still support and help him where you can. He has two parents its time for the other one to take a turn (if he will) if not can you help him get a place and get set up, doing that will also assuage any guilt over the move. good luck enjoy your new place.

[Tabby1963]

It is a good idea, OP.

It will force him to grow up and behave like an adult because he is, in fact, an adult.

Give him a month's notice to organise other living arrangements. Do not sort them out for him, but suggest he visit benefits office for advice.

He will thank you in the long term because at the moment he is being cocooned from living independently and being an adult; he could still be living that lifestyle in ten years, awful for everyone!

My DS moved away to live when he was 17 and we were chatting today when he came down for a visit; he was telling me about his future work/life plans. He is so glad he left and made his own life, it made him focus on his future plans and how to implement them.

Had he stayed at home he may have been like your son, dependant upon his parents for everything, not running a flat, paying bills, budgeting, working and studying, getting himself up for work, shopping and cooking and making plans for his future.

Best of luck to all of you.

[AdoraBell]

I hadn't seen the option of asking him to move in with his sister.

Is that because she wants him to move in, has she told you that OP?

Talking to his father about it is not U reasonable, but expecting a sibling to take him on because she's female - if that's what you were thinking - is highly U. As would be just kicking him out with 5 minutes notice, but that's not what you are proposing.

[noddyholder]

The foece to grow up/ make a man of him/ be the making etc does not always happen If he is a smart boy who could do many things why hasn't he? I think there is more to this and please don't ask his sister. I was test sister and it was a huge responsibility and burden which I took on and still do to this day

[noddyholder]

The not test

[Mrsjayy]

I said let him go to hi s dad I dont actually turfing them out makes them grow up they are just helpless adults elsewhere he needs to sort him self he need s to go and do something to contribute to his life and I dont think he can do it alone he has never had to be responsible for anything I just dont think he should be sponging anymore and certainly not at his sisters what age is his sister she has managed how long have you been pandering your son,

[ConfusedDotty]

Not had chance to read the thread yet but I can see lots of responses. I will check at work and get back. Thanks.

[ilovesooty]

If he claims JSA he would have to make an effort to look for work. If he's not claiming he should be, and making a contribution both financially and in terms of chores.

I would simply give him notice that you are downsizing and that he will need to make other arrangements.

I don't think it's appropriate for his sister to have to take responsibility for him.

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

No definitely don't put the responsibility for him onto his sister - he still won't have any incentive to change if someone else is feeding and housing him, and at the end of the day, it's not fair on her to make her responsible.

[ConfusedDotty]

Thanks for all your replies, I will try to answer as much as I can.

He done really well at school considering he was only in English education for his GSCE years after relocating back to the UK. He went onto further education and passed A levels and that's where it went wrong. He stayed on at college and moved to live with his Dad as this was where the best college was for what he wants to do, it's about 50 miles of where I live.

He then decided to come back home to me during the summer break, this was July 2012 and he never went back to college. I have asked him time and time again what he intends to do, I get no response back at all.

Last summer I had a bad accident which resulted in major surgery and lots of time off work, I told him at this point that he must either, go back to study, get a job or failing that he must sign on as I was only getting SSP, DP has a good job, but I see my son as my responsibilty and do not expect DP to 'keep' him, although DP would and would do so gladly. Lots of things were said, but nothing happened.

He can cook for himself, he washes his own clothes and will do chores around the home when asked to. He is a lovely pleasant polite young man so please do not think I am trying to 'kick him out' I will worry about him, but he needs to learn, I have kept him close to me for too long.

He is lacking in social skills purely because he never uses them, he never ventures outside the house unless I ask him to.

I know I have left it far too long and should have been much harder on him in the past.

I do think he has an addiction to the internet and a certain game on there, I have done the switch modem off thing but this just pushes him to reading books in his room instead.

Thanks for listening.

[ConfusedDotty]

I don't intend to make my daughter responsible at all, she has her own house and her housemate has just moved out and she is looking for someone else to share with. I wouldn't just push him to go and live with his sister, and as I said before he is perfectly capable of looking after himself in the cooking, cleaning way.

[Birdsgottafly]

""Has anyone else here been in the same situation and asked them to leave? If so, what was the outcome?""

Seeing as he can move in with his sister, he could have the opportunity to get in his feet.

As a mother of three teens, I don't why you haven't pushed him into sorting his ambition path out sooner.

I have experience of teen hostels and they are full of young men who haven't been given the life skills, the guidance to be in training or work, them at around 19 they are thrown out.

Teen hostels are depressing dumping grounds.

I don't know where you live, but where I am very few 20 year olds could get work/a wage that they could support themselves on.


You can't live on a single persons rate of JSA, I help a couple of teen relatives, feeding them, having them to stay, buying a bus pass etc.

It takes a keep to keep their mental health/self esteem up.

He obviously needs help, in lots of ways, can you all get together and start a proper plan for him?

Explaining that you need to downsize but he won't be left high and dry.

[Birdsgottafly]

Just to add, if we all behaved as MN advised, we would need a teen hostel ( and rehab unit) on every corner.

As well as massive investment in CAHMS.

[essexisnotallitseems]

You need an exit plan for him, starting with him looking for work/college place.

He should also be paying you some kind of rent (which if you don't actually need, you could save for him to provide a deposit when he does move out).

You are actually enabling his behaviour - he is an adult now.

[TucsonGirl]

He needs to start claiming JSA so that the jobcentre will give him a kick up the arse and make him start looking for work.

[MorrisZapp]

I think he'll be fine. Op and her dp and the boy's father will all presumably help and support him along the way. She's not talking about booting him out without a bean.

My mum was happy to see me move out at 18 but I always knew I had a home with her if I ever needed it, plus of course I had the emotional support of a loving family to fall back on (in the days before mobile phones, when people used to queue up outside phone boxes!).

Its heheartbreaking to read here of people who were forced out and disconnected at a young age, but op isn't planning to cut her son off at all. Presumably she will still be his loving, caring mother who is always there to help him or to make his dinner.

I notice that these threads are usually about boys. Ime, girls usually can't wait to leave home and savour independence. For boys perhaps there's less in it for them as they aren't as bothered about privacy.

My brother bounced back home loads of times. I was like yikes, how can you stand living with the olds. But ofcourse when push came to shove it was a refuge for me too when iI needed it.

Roots and wings!

[noddyholder]

I think whatever the reason is he has not done anything since leaving school about work or education and spends hours on PC etc is the reason he could flounder if just cut loose. Why has the OP left him doing this for 2 years without dealing with it? Maybe he needs help and a plan to get things moving.