To ask my son to move out?

[ConfusedDotty]

This is a huge decision for me, wasn't sure whether to put it here or the WWYD board. It's gonna be a long one.

My DP and me live with my DS who is 20 in a rented house. My DS is 20 and does not work, go to college and is not actively seeking a job of any kind. This has been a bone of contention for a while now. DS plays on his PC till early hours of the morning and gets out of bed late afternoon.

I have asked and pleaded with DS to do something with his life, this has never happened. He contributes nothing to the household.

This is the crux. Me and DP have been offered somewhere amazing to live. It's a beautiful place and the rent is £300 cheaper than what we pay now, but it's only a one bedroomed place, so no room for my DS.

Would I be unreasonable to ask him to go and live with either his sister or his father?

I may not have given you enough information to go on, so feel free to ask me anything more.

[littlemisssarcastic]

I think for me, it would depend on whether I honestly thought whether DS would sink or swim on his own.
Do you think he'll cope on his own OP?
Or do you expect he will have to find somewhere else to live, with someone else?
Does he have any life skills? Can he cook, clean, organise himself?
The answers to those questions would affect whether I would downsize right now.

[stephenisjustcoming]

Give him fair warning but don't introduce the idea of a blow-up bed in the lounge 'for emergencies' or else that'll turn into 'my room' in his head!

[littlewhitebag]

Your DS needs to learn how to be an independent adult and doing what you plan will force him to do this. It is not helpful to still think of him as a boy and may be the jolt he needs to get on track with his life and become a man. I suspect he has it much too easy right now.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

How much do you do for him at home? Do you still do his washing and cook all his meals? Does he have any life skills or do you run around after him?

YANBU to want him out. It might be the kick up the bum he needs.

[madmomma]

Do it. He needs you to show him that he's a man now, not a boy. He needs pushing out of the nest IMO. Not easy though, and I don't look forward to beingin that position myself.

[megandbacon]

Hi OP yes I have experience of this DS2aged 21 at the time moved back in with me to save rent money to pay for driving lessons . first couple of months were ok and he was working and paying his way
Then he left his job and signed on and spent the next six months playing playstation and bring lazy
I had a chance to move away from the area so told begin he'd have to find another place to live I gave him about 2 months notice
He found it really hard to be able to rent a place to live as landlords were not interested as he wasn't working
He did eventually find a room as a lodger in a grotty house in a bad area and moved in
He hated it ..... And within 3 weeks found a full time job and has since moved to a really nice house share with friends and is doing well and is really happy
I found it hard to make him go through that but it's done him good

In your position I would move

[Cyclebump]

I have a male cousin now in his thirties who is still doing this to his parents and my aunt deserves so much better. She puts a brave face on it but we know it gets her down and is ruining a lot of her life. Get the new place, he needs to grow up.

[fluffymouse]

I think you would be doing him a favour. He needs to do something with his life, and by facilitating his scrounging you are doing him no favours.

Give him reasonable notice so he can sort his life out.

[AdoraBell]

YANBU at all.

How much longer will he continue with the status quo before finding the motivation to fly the nest and live as an independent adult, do you think?

I have an SIL who still lives with her parents. She's 47 and has a teenager. There is not sign of her moving out anytime soon.

[SolidGoldBrass]

There.is.no.inherent.virtue,in.working.Particularly.in.thecurrent.climate.of,
exploitation.

[Mrsjayy]

Solivdgoldbrass what are you saying

[fluffymouse]

solidgoldbrass what virtue is there in scrounging from your parents?

If the son studies, he would also be doing something useful. At present he is just making himself more unemployable by a big gap on his cv.

[bloodyteenagers]

Why do you allow him to be a lazy sponge?
How long are you willing to support him if you don't make the move?
Why should he move from you to somewhere else to sponge from them?
He needs to look after himself. He's an adult not a child. He should be more than capable of cleaning, cooking etc and he should be doing everything in his power to get a job. Any job.

[BarbarianMum]

There is no inherent virtue in sponging off other adults if you are one.

OP my parents had this dilemma. They decided they couldn't kick him out and he just needed to grow up some more. He's still there, age 39. Has never held down a job for more than a couple of months. Never had to.

[TheBloodManCometh]

Do not ASK him to leave.
You need to TELL him to leave.

Tell him nicely, tell him.gently if you wish but TELL him - you do not need his approval to move.

[honourinoneeye]

I think YABU - sorry to go against the grain here, but 20 may technically be an adult but it is a very, very young adult.

I seriously doubt that when this lad was 12, 16, even 18 his life's ambitions amounted to "scrounging off my mum." I don't doubt he is DOING that, but he is doing it for a reason and it is ridiculously simplistic to claim it's because the OP has "let him." Any threads on benefit claimants where somebody suggests benefits are a lifestyle choice see their arse royally handed to them on a plate - so why is this different?

It isn't.

Put bluntly, I think your assumption that his sister can "have him" shows, I think, I could be wrong, a lack of regard for both your children.

Am I saying let him fester? No. But you should be encouraging him to move on for him not for you.

[Itsjustmeagain]

I find this issue really hard to understand because all of my children are still small. I moved out when I was 17 (same as you there was no room after my dad remarried) and suddenly being homeless was something that deeply affected me to the point where I have panic attacks 10 years later about the idea of losing my house even though there is little risk of that atm.

Having said that 17 is different to 20 BUT I always say to my dh that we have to get a house big enough to hold many adults since we have 5 children in case they want to live at home into adulthood . I would agree he needs to do something but this might destroy your relationship with him and I hope its something I never do

I promise to come back in 8 years when my daughter get to this age and tell you if I have changed my views .

[SoonToBeSix]

Yabu my dc will always now that their home is still their home whatever age they are. I feel sorry for your ds.

[Corygal]

My first reaction is to say look after the poor wee scrap but then I remember the men I know who never got into the habit of working.

There's a lot of it about, and they tend to miss out on decent girlfriends or be able to raise families, to boot, IME: ie they lose a lot more than a wage through endless hours of playstation.

[honourinoneeye]

I agree Cory but my concern here is the DS's thought process.

It will NOT be:

'Gosh! I was so lucky; my mum did everything! I had better get a job, immediately, or start a college course, as no one will look after me now!"

It will be:

"No one gives a shit, so why should I?"

That's irrational and to an extent unfair but that is how it will go. Show me a young person chucked out of their parents home and it is highly unlikely I'll show you a successful confident type, years on. There are exceptions but as a rule they just hit the self destruct button harder.

Not very helpful but before this point I would be asking WHY doesn't my son want to, well, live a proper and fulfilled life?

[whathaveiforgottentoday]

Yes, definitely go for it (my brother age 44 still lives with my mum and it is a drain on her).

[noddyholder]

Yanbu but I wouldn't do it. If he is doing absolutely nothing he needs guidance not to be thrown out of his home. It does not always work out as people think I am not going to elaborate but the hard life lesson does not always end well

[Oriunda]

DSis and I were given 3 months to leave our family home when our parents decided to divorce and sell up. We found places to live and we've done ok. We've had success in our careers, family lives and are confident.

The son presumably can claim benefits. He'll have backups in his father and sister and am sure OP will not see him destitute. He is also presumably getting plenty of notice. This could be the making of him.

[Catmint]

I don't think you should think about your decision in terms of asking your DS to move out.

It's more about you taking the opportunity to do something worthwhile for you, which will massively improve your life. Just imagine that this change is something you need, and not a choice.

Hopefully, your DS will be really happy for you, and will take steps to sort himself out.

If you don't do this, how will you feel about it in 6 months when nothing has changed? Or a year?

By forcing his hand, you might be doing DS a kindness, sounds as if he needs a catalyst for change, and I'm sure you can support him in other ways, it's not like you're cutting him out of your life!

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

YANBU

Your son needs to learn that he has to stand on his own two feet.