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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the dc and I shouldn't have to be restricted by being on call, just because dp is?

166 replies

ClaudiaGooselover · 06/07/2014 09:20

As part of dps job he's on call 5 nights per week. He very rarely gets called out but has to be 5 mins from work (I.e. At home) just in case. Often the dc will ask to walk our dogs or go to the park after tea and dps answer is 'we can't because I'm on call.' They are getting increasingly fed up with this and want to go without him. I have always said to them that he misses them when he's at work and so would like to see them in the evening, but they've said they're not fussed as they see him plenty on days off and if they stay home he doesn't play with them anyway. Which is true.

Another instance regarding being on call that irks me is weekends. I'm 7 months pregnant and dp often works weekends. With our 2.5 yr old he didn't get up once during the night. The older dc have busy weeks and are inclined to sleep in at weekends which would be great for me to catch up on a couple of hours of sleep if I've been up with baby. However if his on call alarm, or even normal alarm goes off it takes minutes for him to turn them off - leaving the whole house awake for me to deal with.

There is accommodation linked to his work that he can stay in when on call and he often stays there after being out on call as he wants to eat/chat with colleagues etc. It is more common for him to be called out at weekends. I think it'd be more considerate if he chose to stay over there for an entire weekend night so the dc and I could get a decent sleep and a lie in.

Yes, I knew him being on call was part of his job and accepted it means I can never be off call for the kids on those days. But I don't think it shouldmean the dc and I are so restricted/affected. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Itsfab · 07/07/2014 07:42

Really stupid advice to say to show him this thread. Sounding as he does he is not going to take nicely to people saying such negative, but justified, things about him and it will be the OP and her children who suffer. It is also her place to talk things over and she doesn't need him spying on her.

LoxleyBarrett · 07/07/2014 07:44

DH worked the Day Crewing system many years ago (this is a full time job and very different to retained)- It has it's plus points - more money and for some (but not us) fire brigade housing.

For us it was a stepping stone for a transfer from a southern brigade. The town we ended up in was not one that you do anything in, so for 4 nights out of 8 we were stuck inside. It took DH 4 minutes to drive to station, so we could never be more than 1 minute on foot from the car.

It is a very restricting life and I am thankful that DH is now on a normal shift pattern elsewhere (who know how long for with the new shift systems here!).

The reality is that day-crewing stations are quiet stations so your DH will rarely be called out - This should give him plenty of time to help you out around the house.

Would your DH not consider a transfer to a normal station or would you mot be able to afford the drop in income?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 07/07/2014 07:45

If he gets called whilst he bathing the kids then you take over. FFS! Plenty of families manage it, mine included.

Who the hell does he think he is? It's just an excuse.

ElizabethMedora · 07/07/2014 07:46

Is he new to firefighting & the being on call experience? I'm wondering if he finds it very stressful being on tenterhooks all the time about whether he is going to be called (which must be a high adrenaline situation). My dad used to do on calls from home one weekend a month & he was always very grumpy & didn't like to go far from home, wondering what crisis he might be presented with any minute (doctor). He did manage to actively participate in family life too, I'm not suggesting that your DH shouldn't, but just wondering about what's going on...

Sandthorn · 07/07/2014 07:55

Does he think his children are pretty toys, there to be trotted out for his entertainment, as and when he can be arsed? It's bad enough that he doesn't seem to be parenting at all, but to expect them (and you) to put their lives on hold because of his choice of job. That's really quite creepy. Nip it in the bud, because it isn't going to get any better as your kids get older and A&E entitled to a bit of independence.

If he gets to volunteer for extra shifts because he loves his job so much, when do you get to volunteer for something that's just for you? I think you need to tell him to learn to fit his job around his family, not the other way round, or find a different one. You can't be a facilitator in him limiting his children's lives.

IShallCallYouSquishy · 07/07/2014 08:41

I can understand why you're annoyed but retained firefighters need to be at the station within 5 minutes. They have to be on route to the incident within 7 and if they're not it's looked in to and logged on the incident report.

They also have to do a minimum number of hours (varies depending on contract/whether they are also whole time etc) and most retained firefighters do this by being on call during the night.

A fire engine needs a minimum number of crew on it and if it's "off the run" due to not enough crew, the next appliance could be 20 minutes away depending on how rural you are.

However I'm assuming he is perfectly capable of checking the crewing levels and able to be off call for a couple of hours surely?

I'm parking my bum firmly on the fence here, but knowing how the fire service works I can understand why he feels he has this obligation. Some watch/station managers can be very awkward with their FF's.

PinkSquash · 07/07/2014 08:50

OP said he's not retained IShall so presumably its day crew plus so could sleep on station if he doesn't want to participate in family life- but he wouldn't get food cooked for him on station.

UncleT · 07/07/2014 09:00

What kind of alarm is he using that wakes the entire house up??

glasgowstevenagain · 07/07/2014 09:28

Can someone explain what full time, whole time and day crew mean?

Does he work (an average of ) 37 hours in the fire station and then the on call time is additional to that?

or is the on call time included in the 37?

MB34 · 07/07/2014 09:35

My DH is a full time FF and does half time retained on his days off. He used to do day crewing before this too. He does stuff - goes to the gym, to Tesco, sees his parents (on the edge of 5 mins away but not in rush hour), takes DS out for walks on his own (staying close to the house), does bath and bed every night he's home. He's mostly on call in the day on his days off but it doesn't stop me taking DS other places - I won't let it!

So I do think your DH is just lazy and using it as an excuse to do nothing. You need to have a serious word.

Also, his alerter is loud but has never woken DS up, as he turns it off within seconds of it going off (even at night) - you need to pull him up on this too. It's not ok for him to leave it a couple of minutes, then for you to deal with the consequences.

differentnameforthis · 07/07/2014 10:07

Sounds to me like someone is using 'on call' to be a lazy fucker, to be honest.

It suits him to be on call because he can get away with doing VERY little at home.

LoxleyBarrett · 07/07/2014 10:32

The alarm DH had was very loud and couldn't be turned off.

Shifts depend on the brigade.

Whole time work 48 hours over 8 days
Day crewing work 4 consecutive 24 shifts and the have 4 off.
Retained is the part time service who usually have another job.
day crewing plus is too complicated to explain.

glasgowstevenagain · 07/07/2014 10:42

Thanks

If the OPs husband is Whole Time as she said, then he does his 4 days on, 12 hours shifts, why does he need to be on call?

Surely he would just be "at work" for the period 10 - 10 for 4 days?

LoxleyBarrett · 07/07/2014 10:52

I assume he is day crewing which is still a full time job - you are on station in the day and at home on call at night.

Or he is whole time - 2 day on station followed by 2 nights on station and then he is working for the retained service when he is off.

The reason I think day crewing as it is the only way you can get fire brigade housing.

glasgowstevenagain · 07/07/2014 11:04

From the OP

ClaudiaGooselover Sun 06-Jul-14 22:46:28
He's whole time, so it's his career rather than a sideline though he volunteers for extra at retained stations.

glasgowstevenagain · 07/07/2014 11:05

If he is whole time and it is his career then maybe he should just do his hours...

Unless his whole watch are being pulled in everywhere

LoxleyBarrett · 07/07/2014 11:13

They can't pull you in for extra shifts. He is employed to do retained by the sounds of it as an extra job and will have to give a certain number of hours cover.

Overtime in the fire service is voluntary.

glasgowstevenagain · 07/07/2014 11:19

So in that case he is at it and is using this as an excuse to be a lazy dad!

My job is so important I cant look away from the beeper!

I still maintain he will only work or be on call 120/365 days a year

PinkSquash · 07/07/2014 11:20

OP said he isn't retained but wholetime, so that's why I thought day crew plus, as there's accommodation he can use. Retained and whole time/retained stations here don't have room for retained/on call FFs to sleep. But DCP would (according to the paper work we got relating to it).

Our local day crewed stations have different retained for nights, as they used to work Mon-Fri or something. They've all gone retained now grumble grumble

PinkSquash · 07/07/2014 11:23

Thinking more about it- in a different section but same area we have wholetime FFs crewing pumps that were once WT but have gone over to retained while the retained are in training. They are normally on station and on standby rather than voluntary OT. So may be something lle that.

He's still an entitled arse though OP

Original poster
ClaudiaGooselover · 07/07/2014 13:38

He works 6.30 am - 5.30 pm then is on alerter the rest of the time. His argument is that if we go to the park or something after tea then he barely gets to see the dc that day.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 07/07/2014 14:00

It isn't actually a law that a parent sees their child every day. Plenty of working parents go out first thing and may not get back till their children are in bed. The point is that you make up for it at weekends.

If he was so eager to see the dc, he'd jump at the chance to help with the bed and bath routine. So next time he moans about missing out on interaction with the dc, point that one out to him.

glasgowstevenagain · 07/07/2014 14:14

Claudia

So he is in work from 0630 till 1730 - then he is on call till when?

0630 the next morning?

How long does this go on for?

4 days ?

How far away is the park!

OT - I think you are doing well to ruin most women's fantasy of a fireman!

AcrossthePond55 · 07/07/2014 14:29

Is he saying he's 'too tired' for the park/other things after work? Or just that he 'has' to stay in the house because of the beeper? If the park is 'too far', even a walk part way with you & DCs is do-able!

If it's the former, he needs to know life goes on. My DH worked similar hours (different work) and really would be knackered at the end of some days if work got hectic. Other days the crew didn't have much to do & he'd come home with plenty of energy. BUT, either way, he would never have insisted that we stay in if the DSs wanted/needed some playtime. Will he also insist they miss evening school programs or sports in the future?

If the latter, I think you just have to insist that life must go on as normal, not be dictated by his beeper. If he wants to join in, fine. If he wants to sit next to his beeper in the house, let him. And as far as 'not seeing' the DCs if you go out, if he would do bathtime/bedtime without rushing them, he'd have plenty of time to 'see them'.

DH's beeper had a volume on it & he became attuned to it & woke up easily to it even on low. If DH's doesn't, I'd be prodding him the second I heard it at weekends. Or I'd turn it off myself (to keep the DCs from waking) and keep prodding. It may disturb my sleep to be sure he's up and going, but at least the DCs would still be asleep. If I couldn't fall back to sleep, at least the house would be quiet (almost as good).

Sorry, I still think he's a bit controlling. Or possibly immature. And if my DH had made a crack about me 'playing all the time' the fire needing putting out would have been the flames shooting out my eyes in his direction!!

LoxleyBarrett · 07/07/2014 15:18

Being married to a Fireman is not the fantasy people believe it is Glasgow!

I dread DH having to do DCP which is inevitable at some point in the future - we will never see him.