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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think the dc and I shouldn't have to be restricted by being on call, just because dp is?

166 replies

ClaudiaGooselover · 06/07/2014 09:20

As part of dps job he's on call 5 nights per week. He very rarely gets called out but has to be 5 mins from work (I.e. At home) just in case. Often the dc will ask to walk our dogs or go to the park after tea and dps answer is 'we can't because I'm on call.' They are getting increasingly fed up with this and want to go without him. I have always said to them that he misses them when he's at work and so would like to see them in the evening, but they've said they're not fussed as they see him plenty on days off and if they stay home he doesn't play with them anyway. Which is true.

Another instance regarding being on call that irks me is weekends. I'm 7 months pregnant and dp often works weekends. With our 2.5 yr old he didn't get up once during the night. The older dc have busy weeks and are inclined to sleep in at weekends which would be great for me to catch up on a couple of hours of sleep if I've been up with baby. However if his on call alarm, or even normal alarm goes off it takes minutes for him to turn them off - leaving the whole house awake for me to deal with.

There is accommodation linked to his work that he can stay in when on call and he often stays there after being out on call as he wants to eat/chat with colleagues etc. It is more common for him to be called out at weekends. I think it'd be more considerate if he chose to stay over there for an entire weekend night so the dc and I could get a decent sleep and a lie in.

Yes, I knew him being on call was part of his job and accepted it means I can never be off call for the kids on those days. But I don't think it shouldmean the dc and I are so restricted/affected. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 06/07/2014 11:44

Can't understand why he can't do bath and bed, so long as you are downstairs to take over if needed ?

BuildYourOwnSnowman · 06/07/2014 11:48

Does he do any parenting when he isn't on call or are you actually doing bed and bath every night?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 06/07/2014 11:49

He needs to be more open about when he is actually on call, as I suspect it's not nearly as frequent as he's saying. And regardless of whether or not he is on call, that doesn't mean he cannot participate fully (including chores) with family life at home and nearby around the house. He's just being lazy and controlling.

And I'd be speaking to him about the volunteering for extra on call shifts as well. Basically if he's volunteering to do extra shifts, he's got no business whinging about being on call.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 06/07/2014 11:52

And when he's on call
He rarely gets called. So it would only be one in four times or whatever that he'd have to stop a story part way through?

fifi669 · 06/07/2014 12:11

Firefighters do have to be able to get to the station within 5 minutes. DP was applying and had to state which station was within 5 minutes of his home/work. When he's on call he wouldn't be able to go any distance for this reason. No idea why this means you and the DC can't though.

Does your DH have a 9-5 in addition to this job? Are you a SAHM? I'm wondering if he sees you as getting to spend time with the kids all day, he comes home knackered, can't go out anyway and so wants to cuddle up and watch a DVD or something and so doesn't want them out of the house. I can see where he's coming from in that respect. Doesn't mean you all have to be housebound though! If he's on call 5 nights, maybe you could go to the park 2 nights or something so he still has time (plus evenings off).

No idea why he can't do bath/bed though....

Itsfab · 06/07/2014 13:48

But he doesn't do anything with the children when they DO stay in!

redexpat · 06/07/2014 13:54

My DH is on call one night a week and one weekend a month. Sometimes he will take an extra one for a colleague, or swap due to holidays etc. He would never dream of telling me what I can or can't do with DS. He will sometimes look ahead on the calendar and say I'm on call this time this time and this time, shall we all do something together either before or after.

If your DH wants family time, he simply needs to plan for it, and make time for it.

fifi669 · 06/07/2014 14:06

Is money tight? Is that why he's working so much?

JuniDD · 06/07/2014 14:11

Is this a day-crewed station? Because my understanding of a retained at night is that the first five who arrive get on the truck and the rest go home if they miss it.

Don't get why he doesn't want the kids to go out in the evenings yet doesn't do anything with/for them when he's at home waiting for the beeper that never goes off. It's not really fair on them and they don't sound as wowed by it as he is.

HayDayQueen · 06/07/2014 14:14

He doesn't miss you, he just doesn't know how to be in the house on his own.

A common problem for some men. DH used to be like that, he never spent time in the house unless I was there (pre DC) and didn't know what to do with himself in the house. When I started giving him a list of jobs to do he quickly found something else to do! Grin

Tell him he can sod off. Your life shouldn't be controlled just by him being on call all the time. If you went out EVERY night then I'd be a bit hmmm, about it, but you don't want to do that.

ScarlettlovesRhett · 06/07/2014 14:21

If he's doing 5 on, 4 off then I don't see his problem tbh (you said the shift is 4 on, 4 off but volunteers for an extra night), he can do stuff on his days off surely?

Also, is he 'on' all day, then 'on call' at night? Is there not a night shift?

I would ignore his bleating and go out to the park etc tbh. Both me and my husband do on call, and I also work night shifts - neither of us bleat about being 'left out' like your husband; we also manage to do stuff round the house/deal with the kids whilst on call, with no drama.

He's taking the piss, I think.

darkness · 06/07/2014 14:36

I can only assume he's a rural retained fire-fighter
so is on contract at around 120 hrs per week in order to make up his salary
this also means he is only required at work for a statutory 3 hrs training a week
plus call outs - which is going to be a small number

so yes he has to be 5 mins away - but hes home nearly all the time and paid for it.
how is he missing you if you leave the house as hes always there!

I agree with haydayqueen - does sound like being a bit of a prisoner in your own home and hes relying on you all to be the entertainment - he needs a hobby - or another job he can do from home - or to start up a business from home so he can take full advantage of the opportunities, rather than being an unwanted anchor stopping everyone else moving.

But there are no excuses for not joining in family life - far less than most men I would think..

Finney2 · 06/07/2014 16:23

My H is also a retained firefighter on a 120-hour week contract. He also runs his own business as his main job.

He does bed and bath every night. He co-slept with our eldest for 3 years. He does as much housework as I do. If we want to go out we go for a walk together within 5 mins of the fire station. That's not a massive radius, but it gets us all out of the house.

Your H sounds like he just CBA doing any housework or doing his share with the kids. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever he can't do his bit while on call.

Finney2 · 06/07/2014 16:24

And also, the money is quite shit (maybe 7k per year ish). Certainly not worth doing it for the money alone. It's a vocation more than anything.

Zucker · 06/07/2014 16:31

He's taking the piss OP and you're enabling him ffs. What would stop him getting the kids ready for bed and if the call came sure that's life and you could take over. Taking. The. Piss.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/07/2014 16:32

I don't know ANYONE who does on call that works their family like this.

It's bloody weird.

sunbathe · 06/07/2014 16:37

I can't get past him leaving his alarm on for minutes so it wakes everybody up.

How attention seeking!

QuintessentiallyQS · 06/07/2014 16:41

So in fact HE sits doing nothing at all, what a pathetic man.

LittleBearPad · 06/07/2014 16:44

He's being massively unreasonable. If he's stuck at home he can do bath etc

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 06/07/2014 17:06

My DH has a job where he does on calls and it has never stopped him doing bath and bed. Or anything really, as long as he can get to his work within the allocated time.

Your DH is using being on call to not parent, and that's not on.

The fact that he thinks you 'play Mummy' says it all.

glasgowstevenagain · 06/07/2014 17:31

So you could only move house within 5 min radius.

Is it the case it is in his contract he must live within 2 miles.

I call bull shit

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 06/07/2014 17:33

Steven, OP has stated that they live in brigade-provided housing.

Presumably if they moved, DP would spend on call nights at the station.

glasgowstevenagain · 06/07/2014 17:36

So he does four 10 am to 10pm then has 4 days off.....

Plus his 60 days leave

So he is only actually on call for approx 120 days a year with 240'days when he can turn his phone off

glasgowstevenagain · 06/07/2014 17:37

Just read the thread apologies.

In that case he can help with family things, go for a walk, etc etc play in garden....

SusannahReid · 06/07/2014 20:41

How does he treat you in general?