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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think the dc and I shouldn't have to be restricted by being on call, just because dp is?

166 replies

ClaudiaGooselover · 06/07/2014 09:20

As part of dps job he's on call 5 nights per week. He very rarely gets called out but has to be 5 mins from work (I.e. At home) just in case. Often the dc will ask to walk our dogs or go to the park after tea and dps answer is 'we can't because I'm on call.' They are getting increasingly fed up with this and want to go without him. I have always said to them that he misses them when he's at work and so would like to see them in the evening, but they've said they're not fussed as they see him plenty on days off and if they stay home he doesn't play with them anyway. Which is true.

Another instance regarding being on call that irks me is weekends. I'm 7 months pregnant and dp often works weekends. With our 2.5 yr old he didn't get up once during the night. The older dc have busy weeks and are inclined to sleep in at weekends which would be great for me to catch up on a couple of hours of sleep if I've been up with baby. However if his on call alarm, or even normal alarm goes off it takes minutes for him to turn them off - leaving the whole house awake for me to deal with.

There is accommodation linked to his work that he can stay in when on call and he often stays there after being out on call as he wants to eat/chat with colleagues etc. It is more common for him to be called out at weekends. I think it'd be more considerate if he chose to stay over there for an entire weekend night so the dc and I could get a decent sleep and a lie in.

Yes, I knew him being on call was part of his job and accepted it means I can never be off call for the kids on those days. But I don't think it shouldmean the dc and I are so restricted/affected. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 06/07/2014 09:46

YANBU about him dictating re the activities.

Like you, he also understood the consequences of his working pattern on his life.

Ask him what it is about having all of you and the DC restricted to that pattern is attractive to him.

I'm not sure about the weekend sleep thing, although it does sound like it might be nice for him to stay in the provided accommodation once in a while.

He does sound like he could do with pulling his finger out a bit more when he's at home. And he could certainly stop with the smart alec remarks about mummy playing all the time.

3littlefrogs · 06/07/2014 09:48

The on call alarm at night is more of a problem if you don't have a spare room. could you get a sofa bed for the living room and he could sleep there on his nights on call?

5 nights a week is ridiculous. I hope he is getting very well paid. Surely it isn't every week?

DH does a whole week on call every month, so we get 3 weeks not on call.

DoJo · 06/07/2014 09:48

His job sounds like it's incompatible with 'normal' family life, but the solution to that is not to change the entire family's lives to fit around his work commitments. That's not fair on you or the kids, and the fact he can't see that is a worrying sign of his attitude.
Is he in a field where he would be on call no matter where he worked, or would it be possible to change jobs to one which had a less demanding on-call schedule? Does he really make the most of the times when he isn't on call and go out with the kids as much as possible? Does he plan fun activities which he can do with the kids at home for the days when he is on call? With a bit of effort he could have the best of both worlds by coming up with ideas of things that would really engage the kids for some of the time at home, so that he would have plenty of quality time with them and not feel like he was missing out if they wanted to go out at other times?

magpiegin · 06/07/2014 09:49

How far is the park from work? Surely he could go to the park or at least walk the dogs? Is it his choice to be on call so often? In my work people are only on call a few times a month.

If I were you I would look at what things (parks, cafés etc) are quite close to his work and suggest that he does that. Sounds like he is just being martyr thought.

RoganJosh · 06/07/2014 09:49

How does he explain not being able to do bath and bed when he's on call? I don't see the logic there.

rollonthesummer · 06/07/2014 09:49

Sounds like he hates his job, it makes him miserable so he is making the rest of you suffer too!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 06/07/2014 09:50

YANBU - his behaviour is just really weird. Has long has this been going on?

CocktailQueen · 06/07/2014 09:50

He sounds like he's using being on call to stop him doing anything with the kids - he can't do their bed and bath routine cos he's on call? What nonsense.

He needs to make his alarm quieter too - no need to wake everyone, that's just selfish.

And yanbu - why should everything revolve around his job and his needs? You and the dc should be able to go out and do things. I can't see why your h can't go to the park etc and do stuff with the kids so long as he stays fairly close to home. Sounds like it's all a big excuse.

Jennifersrabbit · 06/07/2014 09:50

Er, if I'm on call over a weekend I reckon that if DH is being inconvenienced by having to ferry the kids, I can be doing whatever useful stuff I can do while confined to barracks eg washing, batch cooking etc!

And I do bath and bed, just with the proviso that if my mobile goes DH is presented with a cross soapy child and a half read bedtime story!

Deverethemuzzler · 06/07/2014 09:52

I used to believe everything my OH said about his work patterns too.
That he had to leave the house at a certain time
he couldn't take time off etc.

It was bollocks. What he meant was 'I want to leave the house at this time because it means I have a leisurely trip to work and get there early enough to have a coffee and a sit down whilst you are rushing around frantically doing the school run'
and
'I can take time off work, of course I can, I just prefer not to because then you get to do all the appointments and stuff that I don't really want to do'

He is a nice bloke really honestly

BranchingOut · 06/07/2014 09:52

Either this is an awful job or he is making it an awful job in the way he is handling it.

Original poster

ClaudiaGooselover · 06/07/2014 09:53

He's a firefighter so he has to be 5 mins from.station, which the park isn't. He loves his job and often volunteers to do extra nights on call, without mentioning it to me first.

OP posts:

Pimpf · 06/07/2014 09:54

I would seriously tell him where to shove it.

What does he do? Is the alarm specifically at home when he's called out or is something he can carry around with him? You've seriously fallen for I'm on call so can't help on on bath and bedtime routine?

So we can all see whats in this for him, what do you get out of this?

Missda · 06/07/2014 09:54

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are going out with DCs when he is on call as you and them will go crazy cooped up inside.
As far as the sulk and saying all you do is play all day. One day when he has a day off bugger off all day and leave him to it... Let's see how he manages.

Jennifersrabbit · 06/07/2014 09:55

I won't ask what he does, but does it earn the family shed loads of money that you would be unable or unwilling to forgo and that neither he nor you could earn any other way?

If not then he's doing this job because he wants to (fine) and you and kids are putting up with a lot to enable him to do it. I think he needs to recognise that in word and deed myself.

If being on call makes him this miserable, perhaps time to look for another job?

Goldmandra · 06/07/2014 09:56

He was sulking when we returned, putting on a baby voice saying 'its not fair that I can't go to the park and just spend my life playing like Mummy'

I'll do bath and bed routines, that should've said. He can't because he's on call

He is sitting on his backside while you do all the childcare and then complaining if you decide to take them out to a nearby park for an hour? In fact, not just complaining but whining and sulking?

OP, you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

He could help with bedtime routines. He could help with bathing. He could read stories. He could turn his alarm off sooner. He could do all sorts of housework. He is choosing not to.

If you start taking the children out more, you may find that there is a miraculous change at work that means he can suddenly come with you.

Tell Ask him to take on a regular part of the bedtime routine and agree that you will be ready to take over if his alarm goes.

Pimpf · 06/07/2014 09:56

Cross posts.

Well tough shit if he can't go to the park, he can damn well do other things. How about when he's not on call. He can take all the children to the park and do bed and bath then, by himself, just like you have to.

Deverethemuzzler · 06/07/2014 09:57

Firefighters are on permanent call out?

Really?

No wonder they have been striking...

MissDuke · 06/07/2014 09:57

You say he loves his job, but does he begrudge having to work so much so you can stay at home with all the children? Only the comment about 'mummy playing' is weird. Have you really tried to talk to him about this? It kinda sounds like he doesn't really understand how hard you work looking after all the dc. You sounds like a very lovely and involved mum, I wonder does he 'get' what that entails. All I can suggest is that you calmly talk it out with him.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 06/07/2014 09:58

He was sulking when we returned, putting on a baby voice saying 'its not fair that I can't go to the park and just spend my life playing like Mummy'

Tell him to grow up. HE's on call. YOU and the DCs are NOT.

He's a firefighter so he has to be 5 mins from.station, which the park isn't. He loves his job and often volunteers to do extra nights on call, without mentioning it to me first.

Is he the only firefighter in the city? Is he Fireman Sam? Do you live in Pontypandy?? Because if not, then I see no reason he needs to be on call that often, first of all. And if he's really that bothered about it, then perhaps he should stop volunteering to do extra nights on call.

And he can't do the bath/bed routines because he is on call?? Seriously, what a lazy twat.

He's a selfish controlling prat.

maxpower · 06/07/2014 09:59

To be frank it sounds like he doesn't want to be part of the family. Sorry.

Goldmandra · 06/07/2014 10:01

He loves his job and often volunteers to do extra nights on call

He is choosing to be on call then sulking if you don't all stay in with him?

Get a copy of his rota and make plans to go out on his nights off. If he then chooses to spend those night on call, give him a cheery wave as you leave and tell him to have a lovely evening doing what he has chosen to do.

Missda · 06/07/2014 10:02

Is he a retained fire fighter and that's why he is on call all the time?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/07/2014 10:02

Of course he loves his job,it allows him to use it as an excuse to ignore the mundane aspects of life and parenting.

My late husband was a firefighter it never stopped him making a practical contribution to our household or children's childhood

Deverethemuzzler · 06/07/2014 10:02

Sorry Op.
I really don't think he is being honest with you about what he has to do and what he is choosing to do.
I also think he is being dishonest about his employment conditions.

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