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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the dc and I shouldn't have to be restricted by being on call, just because dp is?

166 replies

ClaudiaGooselover · 06/07/2014 09:20

As part of dps job he's on call 5 nights per week. He very rarely gets called out but has to be 5 mins from work (I.e. At home) just in case. Often the dc will ask to walk our dogs or go to the park after tea and dps answer is 'we can't because I'm on call.' They are getting increasingly fed up with this and want to go without him. I have always said to them that he misses them when he's at work and so would like to see them in the evening, but they've said they're not fussed as they see him plenty on days off and if they stay home he doesn't play with them anyway. Which is true.

Another instance regarding being on call that irks me is weekends. I'm 7 months pregnant and dp often works weekends. With our 2.5 yr old he didn't get up once during the night. The older dc have busy weeks and are inclined to sleep in at weekends which would be great for me to catch up on a couple of hours of sleep if I've been up with baby. However if his on call alarm, or even normal alarm goes off it takes minutes for him to turn them off - leaving the whole house awake for me to deal with.

There is accommodation linked to his work that he can stay in when on call and he often stays there after being out on call as he wants to eat/chat with colleagues etc. It is more common for him to be called out at weekends. I think it'd be more considerate if he chose to stay over there for an entire weekend night so the dc and I could get a decent sleep and a lie in.

Yes, I knew him being on call was part of his job and accepted it means I can never be off call for the kids on those days. But I don't think it shouldmean the dc and I are so restricted/affected. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Runlegsrun · 06/07/2014 22:23

Just do what you want to do in the evenings. If he sulks, tell him he doesn't even play with the kids or bath/change babies and when he starts doing those things, you will happily stay in more often.

Runlegsrun · 06/07/2014 22:25

Also you must insist he sleeps at the station. It's really selfish to wake the whole house up.

Can you move the alarm next to you so you can turn it off. If he fails to get up after hearing it, it's his problem as the whole house cannot be woken for him.

glasgowstevenagain · 06/07/2014 22:37

I would suggest moving so he has to be on call in the firehouse and then he does jot disturb the house

Original poster
ClaudiaGooselover · 06/07/2014 22:46

He's whole time, so it's his career rather than a sideline though he volunteers for extra at retained stations. He can't do bath time without harassing the dc every 2 seconds with 'there's no time to play, I must wash you in case my alarm goes off' so they end up miserable and ask that he doesn't do it again.

OP posts:
harverina · 06/07/2014 22:50

I can't quite understand this - surely the point of being on call is that you can go about your usual business but be available if you are called in? So, when your dh is on call I can see no reason why he can't contribute fully in the house and go to the park. If your dh is genuinely tied to the house when he is on call then he has to have a serious talk with his bosses because he might aswell be paid to go into work if it's impacting his home life so much. I appreciate that he needs to be available to get the the station to respond to emergencies but surely there has to be a balance?

Having said all that, if he does genuinely have to stay at home while he is on call, there is no reason why you and the kids need to be at home too. Yanbu about this at all. Don't pander to him. If he misses you all so much then he should stop volunteering for the extra on call and should look to reduce the nights he is on call. He shouldn't expect his children and wife to be staying at home amusing him. While you take out the kids he could be making himself useful doing housework, doing DIY etc! This is what my dh would do.

PinkSquash · 06/07/2014 22:51

Tell him to station cat when he's on retained. Most other retained FFs do full jobs and are still on call firefighters.

Call him on it. It's not right and I wouldn't have my DH doing that. How does the rest of the retained watch work? Is he still in development for the retained and that's why he's twitchy?

PinkSquash · 06/07/2014 22:53

BTW, How often does his alerter actually go off?

Original poster
ClaudiaGooselover · 06/07/2014 22:59

He's not retained pink, it's his full time job.

OP posts:
PinkSquash · 06/07/2014 23:03

Why's he on call then? Is it day crew+?

PinkSquash · 06/07/2014 23:07

Sorry, I'm bloody nosy Blush Is he fairly new in service? His keeness for work makes him like the single FFs, he can participate in family life though, obviously with some restrictions.

harverina · 06/07/2014 23:07

I can't quite understand this - surely the point of being on call is that you can go about your usual business but be available if you are called in? So, when your dh is on call I can see no reason why he can't contribute fully in the house and go to the park. If your dh is genuinely tied to the house when he is on call then he has to have a serious talk with his bosses because he might aswell be paid to go into work if it's impacting his home life so much. I appreciate that he needs to be available to get the the station to respond to emergencies but surely there has to be a balance?

Having said all that, if he does genuinely have to stay at home while he is on call, there is no reason why you and the kids need to be at home too. Yanbu about this at all. Don't pander to him. If he misses you all so much then he should stop volunteering for the extra on call and should look to reduce the nights he is on call. He shouldn't expect his children and wife to be staying at home amusing him. While you take out the kids he could be making himself useful doing housework, doing DIY etc! This is what my dh would do.

PinkSquash · 06/07/2014 23:08

Also, is the park 5 mins drive from tbe the statkon? If so he can drive in when the pager goes

AcrossthePond55 · 06/07/2014 23:10

All I can say is 'Crap on him!". My DH was on-call one week every 4 and it certainly never impacted his ability to care for our DCs or our home. It didn't really impact our everyday life much either. If his alarm went off during bath time or settling the boys in bed, he'd give me a shout and I'd take over. What's so hard about that? We went to the park, shopping, even the movies. We'd either take 2 cars & if it went off, he'd leave & we'd carry on or we'd leave & drop him off at work.

I really don't understand what he thinks he's accomplishing, other than avoiding household/childcare duties. As far as expecting you to sit in the house staring at each other because he 'can't' do anything that strikes me as a bit controlling.

edamsavestheday · 06/07/2014 23:11

It's quite impressive, in a way, how he's got you in such a tizz over this. He's successfully convinced you that none of you can have an normal family life because of his job. Yet all his colleagues are playing with their kids, doing the washing up, acting like ordinary fathers, husbands, mothers and wives. Honestly, if you went on a forum for firefighters and asked 'do you ever put the kids to bed?' 'do you ever tell the children they've only got 60 seconds to have a bath because Daddy's on call?' they'd laugh their socks off at the way your dh is acting.

Put your foot DOWN and keep it down. He's being a ridiculous prima donna like no other firefighter and it has to stop.

Happydaysatlastforthebody · 06/07/2014 23:12

Jesus he really does think the world revolves around him doesn't he?

Thousands of people are on call in this country. They manage to get out locally and do normal family chores.

He sounds a big headed twat and the baby talk would have me teaching for the meat cleaver.

Big talk time op.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 06/07/2014 23:30

Does he also avoid other time consuming things, like pooing, showering or having sex whilst on call?

DoJo · 07/07/2014 00:02

Sounds like he is convinced that his job elevates him beyond the level of mere mortals and should excuse him from doing anything that he doesn't want to do. How long does he think it will take you to get up the stairs if his alarm goes off when he is bathing the kids? Or any other task really? How does he think other people manage to have a home life without making their entire families miserable by insisting that their time is so much more important and precious because he has an important job.

If he loves working and wants to do extra shifts, then he is choosing that over spending that time with his kids. They shouldn't be making sacrifices to spend time with him to make up for it, especially if he spend the whole time reminding them how important he is and how their needs come second to something that probably won't even happen. It sounds like all that bath time chat is designed to keep you in your places in case you dare ask him to contribute to family life - purely done for effect and not a reflection of the true nature of his job at all.

TheNewStatesman · 07/07/2014 04:25

I don't know about firefighters, but I've known a few airline pilots in my time, and... the thing about predominently male occupations with a somewhat "heroic" reputation, well, some men who do these jobs really do seem to use this as an excuse to act like they are somehow above everyone else and especially women--like, "I have to be indulged, cosseted and endlessly 'understood' by everyone, all the time, otherwise I won't be able to do my INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT JOB!!! properly..."

Most pilots aren't like this, of course, but some are. I suspect that among firefighters, too, there may be a minority for whom the public adulation and the macho nature of the work kinda goes to their head a bit.

aurynne · 07/07/2014 05:07

As soon as I graduate I'm going to be on call 12 days every 14... I have no intention of it affecting the ability of my DH to get out of the house!

That reminds me of men who expect their wives and children to wake up at a silly hour in the morning just because they have to... vindictive and arrogant men.

Runlegsrun · 07/07/2014 05:46

Have you say down and talked to him? Tell him you want the kids to play at bath time because if alarm goes off, you can just take over. Infact you can take over anytime, so there's no excuse not to help out or play with the kids. Tell him he's just using the alarm as a very very weak excuse to opt out family life. He is lazy clearly. He's also selfish for sleeping at home and choosing to allow the alarm to go off for so long that it wakes everyone.

Runlegsrun · 07/07/2014 05:49

Do you know any other firemens wives, can you ring them and ask what their set up is. Do a little survey to gain evidence to get him to change.

What he is doing is not normal.

Runlegsrun · 07/07/2014 05:55

Show him this thread

Runlegsrun · 07/07/2014 06:02

He's definitely manipulative. Fancy not playing/helping/waking the whole house up for you to deal with, whilst trying to blackmail you into being house bound. Ridiculous. He'd be fully involved if he wanted but he has chosen not to be.

BranchingOut · 07/07/2014 06:52

I wonder if he himself handles the 'could go off any time' nature of being on call badly e.g. he is more than averagely jumpy.

I have never been aware that it works this way. Do they also have fire fighters actually on duty at all times or do all situations really wait for people to make their way in from five mins away?

PinkSquash · 07/07/2014 07:30

Branching some stations are whole time, so it's their main occupation, mostly are based on stations, work routines, fire safety visits etc... They can work all sorts of shifts, some are 24/7 stations, others are day crewed only.

Retained/On call firefighters normally work elsewhere as their main content job and have an alerter where they drop everything when it goes off. They have 5 mins to get on station and get out of the fire station.

It can and does work differently dependent on station/role etc. OPs Husband is taking the piss unless he is very new in service and keen to show he can respond quickly. My husband would still bathe the children but would be shouting as he run down the stairs, although I would hear the alerter anyway.

Most stations outside of large towns and cities have on call FFs.

I was thinking about this as I went to bed and I don't know anyone who behaves like this (and would admit it) they'd be ripped into for ignoring family life.

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