to think the dc and I shouldn't have to be restricted by being on call, just because dp is?

[ClaudiaGooselover]

As part of dps job he's on call 5 nights per week. He very rarely gets called out but has to be 5 mins from work (I.e. At home) just in case. Often the dc will ask to walk our dogs or go to the park after tea and dps answer is 'we can't because I'm on call.' They are getting increasingly fed up with this and want to go without him. I have always said to them that he misses them when he's at work and so would like to see them in the evening, but they've said they're not fussed as they see him plenty on days off and if they stay home he doesn't play with them anyway. Which is true.

Another instance regarding being on call that irks me is weekends. I'm 7 months pregnant and dp often works weekends. With our 2.5 yr old he didn't get up once during the night. The older dc have busy weeks and are inclined to sleep in at weekends which would be great for me to catch up on a couple of hours of sleep if I've been up with baby. However if his on call alarm, or even normal alarm goes off it takes minutes for him to turn them off - leaving the whole house awake for me to deal with.

There is accommodation linked to his work that he can stay in when on call and he often stays there after being out on call as he wants to eat/chat with colleagues etc. It is more common for him to be called out at weekends. I think it'd be more considerate if he chose to stay over there for an entire weekend night so the dc and I could get a decent sleep and a lie in.

Yes, I knew him being on call was part of his job and accepted it means I can never be off call for the kids on those days. But I don't think it shouldmean the dc and I are so restricted/affected. Am I being unreasonable here?

He sounds like he's using the being on call as the get out of jail free card so he has to do nothing as a husband or father. Being on call and being in his movements is one thing. Controlling what you do and not helping at home is just bullshit.

Sorry, x post. Okay, then that's a damn worthwhile job and id be happy to support a partner in doing it. But not at the price of me and his DC not living our own lives.

You take the burden of being constantly there for DC, he takes the hit of not seeing them as much as he'd like.

And volunteering for extra nights and then grumbling is having your cake and eating it in a big way!

Good luck in your discussions.

Is it true that every firefighter he works with has to be only 5 minutes away? Are they on call as often as him because if that is the case surely they would never go home? I find that rule really hard to believe.

Sounds likes to me that he is choosing to do loads of overtime, they surely can't force him to stay 5 minutes away from work 5 nights a week on top of his normal job every week?

He sounds horrible! I hope you can talk to him soon. About everything.

Yanbu. As long as you are physically present to take over if necessary, of course he can do bed and bath whilst on call.

Is he tidying up/loading dishwasher/ batch cooling at the moment whilst you do bed and bath?

Can you say "right, Mondays and Wednesdays we'll all stay in if you're on call, DVD and popcorn or play in the garden, otherwise we'll go out" ?

I wondered that, magpie.

He and the kids could walk the dog towards the fire station, five mins walk past it, then back home again (then the kids carry on with the walk on their own if that's not enough for the dog, or walk it twice along the same route!

It can't be true. My local fire station is just up the road. No way do all the fire fighters live locally.
On call they must have to stay at the station.
If they were on call 5 days a week that would mean they only went home twice a week.

I have never heard of those sort of conditions. In fact you get people whinging about firefighters having it easy because so many were moonlighting in their down time.

Saying that, I know nothing about the issue.

I would just be amazed if job with such a high public profile had those sort of conditions and no one knew about them.
Surely they would have made the most of telling us when they have been fighting to keep their jobs and stop the stations from being shut down?

And if you didn't live within 5 minutes of the fire station? Would you have to move if you were employed there? Something's not quite right there.

Alice, I assume that if on call, you either have to stay overnight or be within 5 minutes. I assume most others on call stay overnight.

Alice, I assume that if on call, you either have to stay overnight or be within 5 minutes. I assume most others on call stay overnight.

From my experience ^ is correct.

Bill- but the OP says he is on call 5 nights per week. Is it really believable that staff members are staying almost all week and not going home? This is assuming that most are working full time as well as being on call. If they lived more than 5 minutes away they would have to practically live at work.

Oh, I assumed they were either on call at night or there during the day - not both in the same week.

OP are you sure he is on call?

Sorry if this is all a bit of shock for you. It just doesn't sound right to me.

but the OP says he is on call 5 nights per week. Is it really believable that staff members are staying almost all week and not going home? This is assuming that most are working full time as well as being on call. If they lived more than 5 minutes away they would have to practically live at work.

Exactly. You cannot tell me that they literally either live at the fire station or are on call all week AND all weekend. He's not being honest IMO.

Obviously I don't know what his on duty schedule is, but this is unrealistic. I'd be willing to bet if you spoke to other firefighters, their lives and schedules are very very different.

Are you rural OP? Or is your DP a retained firefighter? From what I remember (and this was over 15 years ago), full time firefighters work shifts - either day or night over a set pattern and stay at the station to do so. Retained firefighters are volunteers who are paid a fee to be on call on specific days/nights of the week - and these can be changed in advance by either the firefighter or the station. The only other thing I can think of where he would NEED to be on call 5 nights a week is that you are rural, but because I'm in a city I'm not sure how that would work.

You really need to sit down and talk to him about 'volunteering' for those extra nights because if he is a full time firefighter, I suspect he's being a bit less than truthful. I know in my city firefighters can do overtime voluntarily (not counting when they're actually attending) but not to that extent. Like I said, though, depends on the actual T&Cs of what he actually does.

Does sound like he's using this as an excuse - for what though, I don't know.

He is definitely on call. He and his watch live in fire brigade reduced rent houses 5 mins from station. His tour is 4 nights on call and he volunteers for at least one extra as it's usually money for nothing as they don't get called out.

4 nights on call every week? Really?
Surely there is some European law that doesn't allow that?

Even if he is on call, it is totally unreasonable of him to dictate to you and the DC about when you can and cannot go out.

Why do you think you have to do what he says?

Is he controlling on other ways?

All this business about the alarms would piss me right off too.

so if he does 4 nights on call, does he then have four days off, then 4 days on, 4 days off etc. Am assuming he spends a lot of his days off playing with the kids, doing bedtimes & getting up in the night? No?? Really??

Maybe if they were called out frog but it's once a week mostly, sometimes not at all. They then have four days off plus 60+ days on annual leave. Hence why most firefighters do another job too.

I rarely if ever make a comment like this but OP he s at it!

Both in the on call constantly story and his behaviour when he is at home.

YANBU!

So he isn't on call 5 nights a week, he has his rota'd days off.

DH used to work similar but he wasn't here on his days on for 14/15 hours each day. His days off I came home to tea made, tidy house extra DIY chores done and he'd played with DD all day too.

He is most definitely at it!

I tried to post this about 2 hours ago but I am still cross about it so here goes

"just spend my life playing like Mummy" Says EVERYTHING about what he thinks you do all day.

I just cannot get over the fact that he has been saying he "can't" feed the kids/put them to bed or do anything "chore-like" because he is "on call", that is beyond ridiculous. Let alone that you and the DCs can't leave the house either. And then he dares to give you the whole emotional blackmail of "I can't spend the day playing like mummy", when mummy is the only one doing any "chores". Sorry OP, but your "DH" is really giving me the rage.

Itsfab Snap!