Am I being unreasonable?

[Cowapjn]

Split up with the ex 3 or so months ago.
She gave birth to our daughter 3 weeks and 1 day ago.
Nobody on my side friends and family have met my daughter yet.
She at first said she wasn't up to going out but now she's fine.
I've asked can the baby come to mine next Wednesday when she will be 4 weeks old to finally meet everyone on my side.
She said no,
I asked why and she can't answer.
She has no plans. I fact she could probably do amy day next week. I just randomly picked Wednesday.
I think she being really difficult.
She has been out a lot now with the baby.
I think it's it's so sad how nobody on my side has yet to meet my little girl :o( I want to show her off to everyone but I can't.

I'm not asking her to leave me alone with the baby. She can be there too! Nobody is going to be off with her and make it awkward, everyone that comes will talk to her.

Thanks guys

Ambushed .... Really? As I've explained my mum and dad would be fine around her. Very welcoming, talk to her ask questions etc and my ex knows this as she bumped into them randomly not long back and they were very friendly towards her.

Diddl - they wont.
As I explained in detail.

No, they won't, but they should!

Goodness knows what has gone on between you two, but really, your parents are choosing not to see their GC because you've complained about your Gf's parents??

And although it might be wrong, I'm sure your GF isn't currently bothered about making things as easy as possible for you & yours.

Are you both young?

You keep reiterating how unreasonable it is for you or your parents to spend time at your child's home because you don't feel welcome, yet you seem totally unable to understand that your Ex probably feels exactly the same way about coming to your mother's - except it won't just be 2 people who don't get along with her, it'll be 10; she also is still recovering from the birth and in the throes of the exhausting newborn stage so really not best placed to be subjected to a hostile crowd. You think your mum and dad will be fine with her- she might not believe that, especially given the evidence so far suggests they cannot even be bothered to open lines of communication with her.

It's still all about you. You seem to be fixated on making your relationship with the baby run on your terms alone. Your Ex and her parents have facilitated contact between you and the baby at the baby's home, and you are annoyed at the presence of the other people who live in the house. They have offered contact with your family, and you refused it because it's at the baby's home rather than your mother's. You are the one preventing your family meeting your baby. You are the one being awkward. If it was actually spending time with the baby that mattered to your parents they'd be moving heaven and earth to see their grandchild- instead they can't even be bothered to leave their own house to see the baby, and expect the post-partum mother to do all the fetching and carrying for them, and for you to continue to badger your Ex with demands until she gives in.

But how does she know that they will be welcoming? They haven't exactly been bothered up to now. That would make me nervous and wary and it is clearly making your ex feel like that.

Why should she leave her comfort zone when you, nor your family are willing to do the same? She is the one doing the lion's share of caring for your dd and getting into a routine so she gets to call the shots for now.

The more you post the more it sounds like your only thoughts are for yourself and how unfair it all is, when your only concern should be that your dd is getting the best possible care and start.

You are supposed to be building bridges here. So no, it won't all be 'your way, your rules' at the moment. Stop being so 'me me me' about it all.

It is TOTALLY normal for a 4 week old baby to not have met all of the extended family/friends/neighbours. You don't seem to be taking this in.

And if your family 'won't' go and visit the baby (when they would presumably be allowed in?) then it's their OWN problem.

You should ALL be making an effort here to put the past behind you and get on for the sake of this baby. None of you seem to be doing this.

It's all about 'I want I want.'

Can't you see this?

And to be frank- given how demanding and unreasonable you sound to a bunch of strangers on the internet, I can see why your Ex's parents might be reluctant to leave you alone with her. They'll want to protect her from agreeing to something she doesn't want to do and isn't best for the baby.

But not very constructive, so:

How about?- speak to your mum, and ask her to come with you on a visit to your ex. Ask your ex: suggest a walk or a neutral place first, and then if thats not possible say you will go round to hers. Short visit, nice present for your daughter (someone upthread suggested 'one month birthday'), lots of love and cuddles, show some concern for ex, try and help practically eg bottle/nappy if the issue arises offer to hold baby for her for a short period if she wants to nap/shower etc. Polite to father and SM. Dont let anything - behaviour or slights real or imagined distract you or your mum from the real aim of the visit which is to see and care for your daughter. Break that ice and it can get easier.

Cowj. I don't think this is helping you. You've already had all the useful advice the internet can give you. From here on in, it's just going to be about you getting frustrated with people and people getting frustrated with you.

FWIW all you other posters who don't seem to understand being unwelcome: my italian father-in-law never liked me. Mostly because I wasn't misogynistic enough for his tastes. It is really, really stressful to share space with someone who just sits there staring at and hating you. Everything you do being judged and found wanting. Any opinion being derided.
I can easily imagine the father of an ex behaving in the same way. I'd do everything I could to avoid breathing the same air as my FIL, I can imagine the op feeling the same way.
We know next to nothing about these people, their backgrounds and behaviours, so let's all stop being so f'ing holier than thou about how he should grin and bear it and how his friends should go round there to share the cold shoulder.

It is TOTALLY normal for a 4 week old baby to not have met all of the extended family/friends/neighbours. You don't seem to be taking this in.

My baby has not yet even met immediate family let alone anybody else.

I'm not asking the ex to go to my mums. I never even said this so not sure where you got that from inertia my mum and dad along with others would be coming to MY home where my ex recently lived for a long time!

As I have also stated (people must ignore some posts) my ex knows my parents would be fine with her as my mum visited her in hospital amd was fine with her completely. My mum and dad also bumped into my ex and also saw her on another occasion and were completely fine with her on these occasions chatting away etc.

Im not going to be made bad for refusing to enter a house where the people that live there speak to me abruptly, are extremely unwelcoming and ignorent which in turn means I can't relax and enjoy me time with my daughter and my mum and dad will also feel they can't relax and bond with their grandaughter with an an audience of such awful people.
I even visited the ex's sister to see the baby and her sister even said "it's better seeing the baby here isn't it?"
After my first visit to the ex's dads and step mums, my ex text me afterwards acknowledging that it was an awkward atmosphere.

Would you visit somewhere where you are made to feel extremely unwelcome by people who are very ignorent and hostile towards you?
Could you relax and enjoy your time with your grandchild in that environment?
Even when I asked the ex if I am to go round there can it at least be in a different room with the baby so I don't have an audience and I can relax and she said no?

I want my baby at my home with the ex whilst immediate family come around knowing they will talk to the ex a lot and make her feel at ease.

If me ex has such an issue with being at my home with my mum and dad, what's her excuse to meet my friends then at my home who are also her friends and my extended family who she is friends with also? They have no issues with her.

Getting nowhere here.

As I've said, when will my family and friends meet my daughter. Probably at her christening.

I Loooove that video, though!

mitnageek thankyou! Somebody that understands how awkward it is being around people that are very hostile, unwelcoming and very ignorent! And I am and also my family are expected to enjoy time with my baby and bond with her?

When I saw my baby at the ex's sisters it was AMAZING! I really enjoyed my time there and it was the best time I spent with my baby yet!

Loletta, I totally agree and think I may have said so upthread somewhere. Here though I'm not thinking of him so much. I know I'd lie in a bed of nettles chewing glass if it was the only way to see my kids (hard to think of a scenario where it would be, admittedly)
No I'm thinking of the various "if your friends cant be bothered to go round" comments. They just seem to be ignoring what the op's saying about the circumstances.

Sorry, I must have missed the part where you mentioned that you wanted the large gathering at your own house. The rest of my argument still stands.

Cowapjn Do you mind me asking how old you are?

You are still coming across as self-centred- it's all about where you can relax , where you want your baby to be, what your rights are , how much enjoyment you are entitled to have with your baby. You're not getting that you are not the most important person in this scenario- the baby is.

And, to be frank, you appear to be pretty hostile and borderline aggressive in the way you talk about your ex- all this talk of "what's her excuse" makes you sound challenging to reason with. We only have your word that your ex feels completely at ease around your family, we have no idea how she actually feels.

You have the option of visiting your baby in your baby's own home. Your family has that option too. Nobody is stopping you or your family from seeing the baby- you just want the visits to happen in your home rather than the baby's. If the friends are your ex's friends too then I'm sure they know where she lives and can go around and visit by themselves, they don't need to go to yours.

Have you asked her to come to your house without any of your friends/family being there?

And her perhaps bringing someone if she doesn't want to be alone with you?

Your home is not your babies home

Therefore your CHILD will be unsettled and then you want 8/10 people meeting her which meets THEIR needs not the child's needs.

My extended family had to wait 16 weeks as I was 150 miles away from home - I went up North at 6 weeks but I wasn't up to visiting anyone, I said with a friend who looked after me and I slept and fed my baby for 10 days.
Selfish? Who was put out? Grown adults that is all and you know what not one of them minded. They thought it was a bloody marvellous idea.

YOUR parents are refusing the contact offered based on your 'hideous experiences' - that is their choice.

Your ex's parents seem to have done nothing but not offered you a drink and not chatted to you - you are not there for your tea and a social - you are there to see your baby.

Your baby needs a father but you seem to want your ego stroked more.

I think what you are describing are boundaries - you are an ex, not a member of the family and it sounds like you need to respect their boundaries and get some of your own... What you are suggesting for your ex is not appropriate to your situation - getting on is one thing but at this stage what you are planning is too much.

This situation is no longer about you but about your child and if you need to endure some awkwardness to bond with your child then so be it... It is the situation that are in.

grin and bear it - thank fuck the courts don't take that view!

It truly baffles me on here what some people advise!

"grin and bear it"

Let me tell you something. The 2 occasions I went round to the ex's dads and stepmums, I didn't bond with my baby at all! I did not enjoy my time with my baby at all. I couldn't relax with my baby. Why? Because of their ignorent, unwelcoming hostile environment.
In my eyes it was 2 wasted visits and I shall be subjecting myself to any more in their company.

I dont expect tea and crumpets and a fan fare reception! I expect to be comfortable and being there I am not.

Having an audience of people who really dislike you whilst trying to bond with your daughter isn't bonding with your daughter and isn't proper access!
It's access where and when she says which is also supervised!
Anyone would think there's a history of violence, drug taking, me being in jail etc therefore I need supervised visits.

I'd be happy to attend her dads and step. His of at the VERY least we could go in a different room which was denied!

The ex and her sister have both acknowledged to me that going to the ex's dads is not very nice!

And for the record I'm 28.

Shall not*