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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

194 replies

Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 22:13

Split up with the ex 3 or so months ago.
She gave birth to our daughter 3 weeks and 1 day ago.
Nobody on my side friends and family have met my daughter yet.
She at first said she wasn't up to going out but now she's fine.
I've asked can the baby come to mine next Wednesday when she will be 4 weeks old to finally meet everyone on my side.
She said no,
I asked why and she can't answer.
She has no plans. I fact she could probably do amy day next week. I just randomly picked Wednesday.
I think she being really difficult.
She has been out a lot now with the baby.
I think it's it's so sad how nobody on my side has yet to meet my little girl :o( I want to show her off to everyone but I can't.

I'm not asking her to leave me alone with the baby. She can be there too! Nobody is going to be off with her and make it awkward, everyone that comes will talk to her.

Thanks guys

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 22:58

We split up at around 7.5 months. My mum and dad didn't bother with her. Before we split, my ex expected texts etx from my mum asking how she was doing.

Me and the ex fell out big time at Christmas which led to my mum taking a back seat and not getting involved

OP posts:
MrsAtticus · 03/07/2014 22:59

OP I do feel sorry for you, it must be hard. However, 3 weeks isn't a long time after giving birth, and her behavior might well change with time. I found that in the first few weeks after giving birth I had a lot of strange emotions, and it is hard to give consideration to other people at that time (even the father of your child) as the whole thing is so all-consuming.
You obviously need to get this sorted but I would be optimistic that things could change for the better in time.

YouTheCat · 03/07/2014 22:59

But they weren't involved before and showed no interest even before you split.

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 03/07/2014 23:00

How did you rise to her erratic behaviour?

Original poster
Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:00

Youthecat - every request I've made to see the baby, do things with the baby I've had rejected!
Going to the ex's dads and step mums house is really awkward and unwelcoming. I asked if I'm to continue going round can we at least go in another room on our own. She said no

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/07/2014 23:02

Tbh it doesn't sound like she wants to be on her own with you.

But we have no idea of knowing whether that is reasonable of her or not.

Original poster
Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:03

My parents were fine with the ex up until the fallout at Christmas when they took a back seat.
Brokencirclebreakdown - say for example she would accuse me of something due to hormones. It would turn into an argument. Or she for example would have a go at me because I went for a car ride with a friend for an hour after being in the house literally all day cleaning.

OP posts:
yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 03/07/2014 23:04

Can you go with her for a walk with the baby, and stop mentioning other people seeing the baby, just enjoy the time.

Original poster
Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:06

Yellowsnownoteatwillyou - yes we are due to go out tomorrow for a walk with the baby. I just thought I'd try asking now about friends and family seeing asked have been getting on we'll and baby is now 3 weeks old

OP posts:
Loletta · 03/07/2014 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 03/07/2014 23:07

When you say argument, do you mean you shouted at her, got aggressive for example? Just trying to understand why she might not want to be in the same room as you alone?

Loletta · 03/07/2014 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 03/07/2014 23:07

Don't ask, just enjoy the walk. Show her she can trust you.

Galvanized · 03/07/2014 23:08

You posted a detailed thread about this not long ago which was deleted as you put too much identifiable information.

You got lots of great helpful replies there explaining how a first time mum feels physically and emotionally with a newborn. Exhausting feeding and waking/sleeping patterns. This all still applies at 3 weeks! It's such early days. Let her recover. Let her call the shots. She needs to be with the baby, she can't predict when she'll need to feed or nap for weeks yet!

Original poster
Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:09

Loletta - sorry if I'm being confusing. As I've said I've been up since 5am and worked a 12 hour shift and I'm shattered lol not surprised if I'm not making much sense. Sorry.

She's never stopped me from seeing the baby but has been awkward when I have made requests plus I'm allowed to see the baby at her dad's house which is very awkward and unwelcoming,

My friends and family arnt allowed to see the baby

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/07/2014 23:14

Unless you are willing to give her time and space to settle into motherhood, and also to compromise, then you aren't going to get anywhere.

Successful relationships are about compromising. Loving, successful relationships are about compromising because you care about your dp's welfare and respect them.

You sound like you could do with learning a bit about babies. Give your dp the chance to see that you are making an effort.

Loletta · 03/07/2014 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 03/07/2014 23:15

It's not awkward to refuse to face 8-10 of your ex's family/friends/neighbours in one go on their territory with a newborn imo. Having a new baby is a very vulnerable time for many women, I think you should back off a bit with the requests for big gatherings

Galvanized · 03/07/2014 23:17

There is no need for extended family and friends to see a newborn baby you are not living with. There will be so much time in the future when the kid is a toddler for example. You're a dad for life now, these first few weeks are so short in the grand scheme of things.

BrokenCircleBreakdown · 03/07/2014 23:17

and what loletta and youthecat said

Original poster
Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:17

Brokencirclebreakdown - I wasn't aggressive no. We both shouted. She just likes having people there for backup and to fight her battles.

Galvanized I'm requesting I pick the ex and baby up, bring them to my house and later take them home whilst people who she already knows comes to meet the baby. As I've mentioned she has recently been very active and taken the baby out a lot. She has recovered we'll. as I also mentioned we registered the birth of the baby last week at the town hall which is 10 minutes walk from my home. I wanted to walk the baby to mine and she said no as the baby is too young to be out and about despite her being out and about in town already.

If the baby needs changing fine, bring nappies. Needs feeding the brings. Bottle. I have a. Any rocker here and car seat and supplies. The baby won't go hungry and have a dirty nappy for hours.

I've asked why the baby can't come to mine on Wednesday and she can't answer me so it comes across as she is being awkward which is upsetting.

I have no other option than to go at her pace. I can't force her to bring the baby to mine, it's just feels like my friends and family won't meet my daughter for a very long time :(

OP posts:
MostWicked · 03/07/2014 23:19

Be a little more patient and take things a little more slowly.
8-10 people is WAY too much. Start with 2 and keep the time short. Build from there but slowly. Give her time to get used to this. Becoming a mother has an overwhelming effect on a woman, it's in her interest to keep you involved, but it will take a bit of time.

YouTheCat · 03/07/2014 23:20

It'll be an even longer time if you don't start being reasonable. Give the poor woman some space.

Original poster
Cowapjn · 03/07/2014 23:20

I'll run the 2/3 people for an hour by her but as I've said I pretty much know her answer will be no.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 03/07/2014 23:22

Give it a few more weeks.

I don't understand the rush.